MOVING THE BLOG:

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FOR ALL THOSE WHO CARE.

also realized i repeated a bunch of my previous post. i'm such a fail but too exhausted to change it SO DEAL.

holy smokes this has to be brief because my body is dying.
yes, my life is awesome and i am so so happy.

i went to washington d.c. for the fourth of july weekend. mary and i took the bolt down from manhattan. we met my mom at union station (one of my favorite places on earth, i've decided. an amazing old world elegance that i love) and then left to pick my dad up from the airport. we stayed at the ritz-carlton in maclean, virginia.

the hotel was also insanely nice. it was attached to a beautiful mall and the whole interior was chandeliers and dark wood. mmm... felt so nice to be there. the room was beautiful. each day was unique and full of activities. it was so much fun to be with my mom and dad! one night mary and i ordered tons of junk food and stayed in our bathrobes while our parents went out. we watched discovery channel and it was glorious.

that saturday we attended my cousin heather's wedding. she looked beautiful and the whole thing was very fashionable (it was a black tie wedding).

we visited family for the rest of the weekend and i reunited with my two little cousins, ella and sophia, whom i now adore and think about constantly. they were such amazing little bubbles of joy and optimism. it made me realize how important the role of "mother" is to me, something i never realized was so strong in me.

my mom and dad left on monday, before the insanely beautiful fireworks show. my parents set me and mary up in a crazy nice hotel right by the washington monument where we later went to watch the fireworks show with aunts and cousins alike.

after returning to new york, mary and i realized my time here is coming to an end. i panicked! so much left to do. it's been an amazing experience being here. it feels like a thick strip of gauze has been lifted from my eyes. i'm so much happier.

this past weekend we hung out with mary's friend from high school, michael o'brien, and went to lots of cool eateries and bars. we watched british movies (in the loop, super funny) and laughed at each other. there was much grease and fist bumping and joy. on saturday mary and i went to see the insanely amazing alexander mcqueen exhibit at the metropolitan museum. the line was crazy long but sooooo worth it. i had an amazing time. afterwards we dashed onto the train and met michael and his lovely friends met us at battery park. there, we watched henry v performed by a new york theater group. super fun and innovative because we followed the actors. we ran all over the park and then onto the ferry where we went to governor's island and ran all over the place there. all the characters were crazy attractive and the whole thing was very funny.

after that exhausting saturday mary and i ate at fraunces tavern, an old hang out for people in the 1700's. no big deal.

sunday we watched due date and relaxed because we were exhausted.

so now i have a list of things to do a mile long, so many people to meet up with and catch up with and enjoy the company of. i have lots to plan and prepare for, lots of decisions to be made. i still work for diana eng (who just released her new collection of laser cut tees, check 'em out!) so i'm very busy with all that.

today i saw the project runway all-star cast.  they film across the hall from kbl. whaaaat? so cool.

that's it for now. accutane is working. my skin is slowly becoming a vampires skin which is kind of cool.

ok, i am unforgivably behind on this puppy. so much has happened, its completely unreal! i work every day from 10-4, basically doing whatever is asked of me. i work with a company called KBL and they are amazing people, each and every one of them. no one has been mean or rude to me just because i'm an intern. they all include me and are super polite. i love the atmosphere there, its both positive and professional. i was offered and accepted an additional internship with a girl named diana eng. she was on project runway for a while. she combines science and art and i love what she does. i'm doing PR for her and its been a great experience so far.

so i'm definitely keeping busy. hopefully all of this will help me get into a communications major. if not, who knows what i'll do. 

so, i've been working and running all around town. i hung out with my friend courtney, we had a sleepover where we watched beastly. it's fun hanging out with courtney because one on one i'm learning we have way more in common than i ever realized. 

so last week, i slept over at courtney's. it was weird because it was like we were living in high school, but the next morning we got up separately and went to our different jobs. it felt so bizarre! after work, i walked to the bolt bus stop and me and mary left for d.c. i was really excited because i was off to see my mom and dad. i can't remember the last time i was in d.c. for sightseeing but i want to say it was our 6th grade field trip to williamsburg, viriginia and surrounding areas. it was exciting and fun but i left my camera on the bus and was thereby extremely disappointed. my mom picked us up and then we received my dad. for some reason my nerves were on serious end. everyone was tired and nit-picky and focusing so much on my diet i freaked out a little bit and cried for no real reason. i get so tearful when i'm tired. 

our parents were very awesome and got us a room in the ritz carleton. it was so beautiful and old feeling. i would stay in no other hotel in mclean, virginia in the future. it was attached to the galleria mall there, which was full of luxury stores. we went shopping for a while and then, mom and dad left for the wedding rehearsal dinner. mary and i stayed in the hotel room, gorging ourselves on maggianos and cheesecake factory while watching dual survival. it was a very fun night. 

the next day was heather's wedding. i learned a few key things on this day. the first being that i will be a complete nightmare bride. i wish i could say this weren't the case, but i already know what i want my wedding to be like. i've always planned on planning my wedding. and if anything around me seems in disrepair i'll probably freaked. i also learned some cute planning ideas as well as things i want to avoid. i also learned that spanks are very uncomfortable. 

heather's wedding took place on the trump gold course. it was an absolutely beautiful setting. it was fun being surrounded with family, but i was tired, felt super fat, and felt uncomfortable as well. also, since i'm taking accutane, i'm supposed to avoid the sun. i know its because i burn but i also think its because some sort of reaction happens and i feel really sick. so by the time the wedding was over i felt supremely ill. the reception was on a balcony that overlooked the river and forests. it truly was beautiful. heather and billy are a beautiful couple and planned this wedding very well.

mom took me inside because i was feeling ill. we went upstairs to sit in the dining reception area. the chandeliers and windows are what really did it for me. it was unbelievable. the food was delicious and by the end i was so full i thought i would die. then a drunk woman, rather plump, set her thin stiletto on my foot and all was lost. there's still a puncture mark there. rough times. so after that we decided to go home. we were all tired and i felt vaguely out of place, in a way.

the next day we spent at my aunt marlene's house. she cooked dinner for us, which was fun, but the most fun was hanging out with my cousin jenny's kids. they have such an amazing spirit about them. i really did want to steal them and take them with me. we played all night. there were so many times i felt so wonderfully at peace. it was when i had them crawling all over me. the oldest one, ella, curled up on my lap and hugged me for a full hour, pressing her face against my chest. then the younger one, sophia, curled up next to us and i thought i would die. i never realized how much of a mothering side i have to myself but i really do. i just love children. i think they are so pure and beautiful and amazing.

the next day jenny said on the ride home they both told her i would  be a great mom. i really hope that happens for me one day. on monday it was my mom and dad's last day. we visited marlene's once more and then drove into washington d.c. mom and dad got us this really great hotel room right next to the washington monument. we checked in and then said our goodbyes. mary, cousin brooke, and i roamed around the city, visiting the main sites, and then eating potbelly's for lunch. there we ran into our cousins and aunt barbara. we all walked together and i finally got to catch up with jenny on both of our lives. it felt good and i felt like, for the first time in a very very long time, i was exactly where i was supposed to be in my life.

we all curled up on picnic blankets and got ready for the fireworks display. there was live music, chatting, and snacking. i love my family so much! they are so positive and full of good advice. if anyone has issues with their family i would recommend resolving them first and foremost because it can lead to so much misery. the fireworks started at 9pm and i must say, d.c. does an absolutely AMAZING job. it's something everyone must see once in their life. seriously. nothing can top that. we were all "oohing" and "ahhing" over the incredible display in front of us. me and mary both missed my parents dearly. they were so much fun to have around. 

after the insane exodus, mary and i walked back to the hotel. we got ice cream and drinks, watched the true hollywood story on selena gomez, and ordered a cheeseburger from room service. we slept in our heavenly giant bed and then got up to get to union station (which is one of the best places on earth, i swear). the weekend was a great success. i left feeling happy. not necessarily rested, but very very happy, just full of optimism and excitement for the future. everyone in virginia was insanely nice and polite to us, it was wonderful. and the air smelled really good. although the bugs were freakishly huge.

so, success. there is much to complete now, this week, but pretty little liars was on tonight, which is a win. i have a lot of projects to do and things to remember. but soon i'll be going to pittsburg and falling water with mary, and that will be a fun adventure. 

that's all i got. i should rest up for the intense work day tomorrow. siiiiigh. i miss my friends and family but i really do love the east coast so much. 

oh my gosh my brain feels mashed in. my eyes are sore and heavy and there is absolutely no reason for this.
tomorrow i start my new internship. i'm nervous and excited and a little bit wary but i know how important it is to have experience, really any kind of experience, when you leave college and are looking for a job. so hopefully this will be an awesome experience on and off paper.
also, i checked my weight at the beginning of last week and then again this morning. how is losing 11 pounds in one week possible? i mean, i'm sure most of it is water weight but still. i felt pretty shocked and proud of myself. it's been difficult but the past few days have been much easier. the dull ache of hunger doesn't send me into a tizzy anymore. i just realize i need to snack, grab a decaf, or eat a meal. it's no big. saturdays make it easier to break up the week. as long as i survive the rough week, i know i have one day where i can eat like a queen.
new york is, as always, an adventure. i'm getting more self confidence here and with that comes the cat calling. normally its something i'd shy away from or even get nervous about but, it doesn't really bother me anymore. for some reason my hair just really lights the fires of the local puerto ricans here.
saturday was our beach day. mary and i woke up and hurried as we got dressed. we met her friend mary south at a local coffee shop to get breakfast to go. we walked to the metro and after a couple of transfers, we were headed to rockaway beach. the commute was long but definitely worth it. it was fun leaving the city, even if for just a five hour block. we met my cousin brooke there, and mary south had friends trickle in over the hours. we played in the atlantic for a while, bracing the cold and actually getting completely covered in sea water. it was very freeing.
after our bout in the water we walked to the rockaway taco stand. from what i understood, this is kind of a necessity if you visit the beach. the line was long but the tacos were delicious and worth the wait. they didn't have chicken tacos (anto) which was a bummer. while sitting down we heard a few french guys talking. i starting speaking with them in french and asked where they were from (paris) and what they were doing here (working for a short while). it was so interesting talking with them. i had no qualms about language boundaries. even though i'm not fluent in french by any means, i am confident i can get across what i need to. and i did. we spoke in english and in french about summers and what each of us was planning on and experiencing. they told me my accent was very good, which made me beam. always a high compliment to receive.
after the beach had lost its luster we packed up and headed home. by the time we got back i realized i was really quite badly burned on the right side of my body... probably should've prepared myself for that but i wanted to feel the burn of the sun one last time because.... that evening i started accutane. as many people know that is a very powerful acne medication. no, my acne is not that bad but this medication will, hopefully, make it so that i don't break out anymore in the future. so its a little freaky to be taking a medication that has a pregnant lady with a giant line through her belly over every tab but hopefully all will turn out well.
because the diet i'm on is so healthy and well balanced, my body has been dealing with its weird issues much better. i sincerely hope i can keep this pattern of living up through the rest of the summer and into the school year. its hard because it mostly involves cooking at home and i run out of easy/ quick methods of food preparation very quickly. so i need to prepare for that. also, walking all over the place in new york helps a lot, too.
anyway, i have many more adventures ahead of me. i still need to stroll through central park, shop for a dress for my cousin's wedding, explore the area near where i work, the area near mary's apartment. i need to go farther north, maybe to maine, and see the trees and that freezing ocean. i need to find quirky shops and explore this city with as much tenacity as i did in paris.
anyway, that's about it for now. i'm very tired and i need to rest for my big day tomorrow! more to come, as always.

well, it cooled down a few days here in NYC which was a nice gift. it was getting really unbearably hot. this past week was very productive. i got myself an internship (yaaay) with a clothing manufacturing company. it feels good to have a purpose, and to get an experience in a field. i hope it will help me in the future when i'm applying for things.
mary and i went to a show called "sleep no more." it was a very interesting take on one of shakespeare's plays, macbeth. all the non-actors had to wear masks and it took place in an abandoned hotel. you were sort of left to roam the 1st through 5th floors, running into actors and different scenes from the play. some touched you, some stared at you. they fought, knocked things over. they had candy shops and mini streets, a creepy wood, a cemetery.... it was so cool. all the actors were awesome dancers as well and they did some really interesting fight scenes and interpretive dancing. at the end everyone was kind of herded to the first floor where macbeth was hung. no one was allowed to talk and you never knew where you would stumble. it was TOO COOL. you got to search through all the drawers, look through whatever you liked. it was awesome. very mystical. totally up my ally. mary and i met up with some of her friends at the bar there where there was a live big band playing. too awesome! we hung out for a while and then mary and i and mary south split cab fare to brooklyn. such a cool night! i got home covered in fake blood.
oh that day was also busy because i hung out with my friend nick whom i've known since like... 8th grade. he and i went back to brooklyn and hung out. we watched videos and talked about 80's bands, big hats, and how people just aren't nice anymore.
other than that, i've been walking a bunch, reading, roaming, exploring, dieting, the whole shebang. i've been watching/ reading a lot of stuff where there are these amazing friendships. it's a topic i've been thinking about and talking about a lot. because as a kid, and even now, i daydream about the perfect friend. the one who is completely loyal, who puts aside homework and comes over to you when you're having a bad night, who knows all your favorite things, who goes on vacations with you and is with you through all the hard parts of life. mary says thats what a husband is. but so often people are portrayed as having these kinds of friendships. do these actually exist? i'd like to find one. and i really think i used to be that friend, but i've gotten kind of selfish in the last few years. or maybe i've given up. but i'm on a renewed mission to find and make that friendship, because friends are so much more important than people realize. i'd definitely thank friends for getting me out of a lot of rough patches in my life.
and this isn't to say i don't have good friends now. i do. but we're just not at that level yet. you know? and i want to have a friendship at that level.
let me think what else. tonight mary and i watched "forgetting sarah marshall," and i laughed so hard because i related to it so much. saturday is coming which means eat-whatever-you-want-dayyyyy!!! yes.
that's all i got. i'll take more pictures and do more cool things i swear.

quick update of things seen around/ near brooklyn:
it's summertime so all los idiotos are out bustin' open the fire hydrants which are OH WAIT filled with sewer water. whatever. anyway, so unfiltered water is spraying every three blocks all day every day.
the ice cream truck comes around all the time. i am certain this ice cream truck also sells drugs. what kind of ice cream truck is out past 8pm? drug trucks.
started the vampire diaries today OMG can't stop watching.
spotted a mutant cockroach in our house WTF that thing was as big as my big toe NO LIE.
have interviews for internships next week.
started the diet it's so extreme but my pants are already falling off so yay?
did i mention the vampire diaries thing?
today mary and i ate at atlas (a coffee shop around the corner). the girl working there was a complete delight and mary and i had pressed sandwiches and water blech. also i got a decaf with soy and then we wandered through the neighborhoods of brooklyn. such great shops and restaurants! i love this part of new york.
tomorrow we're supposed to go to the beach but it's looking like stormy skies so.... oh and tomorrow is our cheat day so lunch and dinner are splurges so i'm thinking pizza and vampire diaries? OH YEAH.
here's hoping i don't dream about freaking ginormous cockroaches.

well, its my third or so day in new york. the last time i was here was last summer, i want to say july 15-22 but that could just be speculation. it's been an adventure so far. i was picked up by edgar (my parents "driver") from the airport. i dropped my things off and then met my sister mary and my cousin brooke in the city for some indian food from a street car. or whatevs. then i wandered around the area of mary's work.   not full from the indian food, i ate some chipotle while reading. then i went to a starbucks to read where a creeper man who brought his business check books SLASH homeless bags was staring at me from across the table. new yooooooork.
then mary and i walked from 52nd street allllll the way down to 157 houston, which is like i don't know 70 BLOCKS slash a million. i thought i was dead by the end of it. oh yeah, i hadn't slept the night before. so.... we saw the movie the tree of life which i think got bad reviews but was actually a very beautiful and very visual movie. there were definitely areas that could have been edited more, cropped out even, because much of it was repetitive but boy oh boy it was a sight to see. then i ate pickles and read and slept. the next day mary and i had to ourselves, which was yesterday, so we woke up, ate brunch at the lodge (very fun but unfortunately hipster as all things in williamsburg are) and then decided to go see thor. all the lines were screwed up (new york metro really needs to get its act together on the weekends) but we ended up going to the theater in times square (because "there aren't going to be any bed bugs on the seats" -mary). thor is great. i love thor. he is funny and hot.
then she and i walked to one of the very few taco bells in manhattan. then we went home and i read and slept AGAIN.
today we went to church. it was kind of awkward. men were polite to us and a crazy woman sat across from me and stuck knives in her syrup bottle. then mary and i watched archer and america's next top model while eating mac and cheese and brownies. we unpacked most of my things and now... now i am tired and will read and sleep. as you do.

i can't believe its JUNE. i feel like it should be may forever. sure, the tornados around here have been a little scary and totally threw flight schedules off for a long time, but its also been beautiful here. i've gotten to hang out with friends from high school (and i'm really starting to feel like me again!), relax, read, watch desperate housewives, find some great music, shop, etc. i also got to see chace crawford running in plano. not in one of those "i'm pretty sure i saw him ways," like in one of those, "we looped around a million times until parking in such a way that he ran in front of us and am now 100% sure that it was him in town for his sister candice's wedding" kind of... a way...

i'm trying to think of all the fun stuff i've gotten to do that i really should have written down or journaled or blogged about or something, but my memory isn't so good for these things. we DID try and stalk chace crawford that night, unsuccessfully, by going uptown and bar hopping. to no avail. we could not find him. mary took me to a trunk show for some jewelry at her friend bonnie's house and she bought me a really cute necklace. um... i got to see thor and am now in love with thor... and the actor who portrayed him (from melbourne omg i've gone to heaven). i also saw... something borrowed (cute and fluffy) and.... i feel like that's it. i haven't gone to the movies as often as i thought i would. yesterday antoinette, caroline, annie, and i all hung out at anto's (whose mom went ALL out for the mavs party she was having) to watch the game and just laugh and have a good time. after the game we watched titanic II, possibly the worst movie i've ever seen? maybe not, but it is for sure in the top 5. 

hmmm... what other things happened? i read caroline "oh, the places you'll go" out of a bathtub. ate at desperadoes lsat week, and it was YUM. um.... yeah, that's all i can think of.

anyway, in two days i'm flying out to new york city. i'm really sad to be leaving all my friends and family, but i will be staying with my sister mary. we already have plenty of fun activities planned for us. also, courtney might be getting a job in nyc, as will a few other people i knew from high school, so if i get homesick i can always hang out with them. i'll hopefully keep a much more detailed journal while i'm there so i don't forget any of the good bits. it's going to definitely be a challenge. mary is planning on totally detoxing me-- she's putting me on a japanese food diet, we're doing yoga together, i'll be running through central park. we're going to go on weekend trips to fun places and all in all i'm pretty freaking excited. 

ok, i never posted any photos from hawaii so i'll find a few. then, that's it, i have many things to do like pack and read and bond with family. 

mary

brothers. my dad and my uncle dan.

yeah it's been a while. summer is always slower on the updating side because i have 1000 times more of a life. i've hung out with antoinette a lot... watched some movies, lounged at her house, etc. i started watching the series desperate housewives (yeah, i know i'm like 8 years late on that bandwagon). a week ago antoinette and i went to see our friend katie-beth (now katharine) in the dallas theater company's production of CABARET. it was scandalous, of course, and full of drunk lushes, but the singers were quite good and they put on a good show. we got to talk to some survivors from the holocaust era, both around 90 years old or so. afterwards we got to go out for drinks and food and such with some of the cast, and then antoinette, kb, and i all went dancing and bar hopping and whatever else there is to do downtown like meeting a nice 32 year old real estate something or other who buys taco cabana for everyone. that kind of stuff. it was fun!
so now i'm down to the two week mark before i virtually move to new york and try and survive. to be honest, i'm kind of scared. the last big city i lived in was paris and i had a schedule every day, or at least a road map to my future. but my goals for new york are big ones, and i'm obviously very afraid of failure. my mom has expressed many, many times her fear of me dying an early death. as a redhead i basically have every recessive gene from both my parents so any recessive diseases or whatever, I GET. sometimes i just feel like a bag of diseases walking around you know, just waiting to implode, i swear i do.
anyway, in new york, i'm supposed to address all my shortcomings. i'm supposed to make significant life changes, i'm supposed to and want to piece together my sister's happiness again. i want to go on adventures and learn to jog and do yoga regularly. i want to become the social person i once was and regain my personality because sometimes i really do look in the mirror and just don't recognize myself anymore. it's weird how depression can affect you. and how in denial you can be about a significant disease. and how many people don't believe it exists.
i've had so much fun being home. i've been able to hang out with jordan and zach, run errands for my mom (and hopefully lighten her load a little bit). i've gotten to hang out with friends and even got to go to  hawaii, and i've had such a good time. but i'm not sure what i'm even doing with my life anymore. i've just been coasting for sooooo long. next semester, this fall semester, is going to be suuuuch a bummer. MORNING is leaving me, and everyone i know is going on a mission or getting married, seriously, or graduating from college, or whatever but what i'm trying to say is i'm not looking forward to this fall but i want to and that's what's important.
i'll upload photos later. the computer is being dumb.
i'm afraid i'll miss my mom and dad and brother and sister greatly. i know i'll be with another sibling, and that it will be fun, but what can i say. i'm the most spontaneous routined person with excessive creature comforts.

events of this weekend/ week so far:
- us giving my mom the worst mothers day of her life
- watching a swedish vampire movie AND easy a with antoinette in one night
- the cockroach that would not die
- saving a lizard
- planning my trip to new york
- deciding next summer i have to go to greece, croatia, turkey, and possibly italy.

etc. etc. i will write a real post later but i have to get some real sleep

yeah... i haven't updated in a long time.
i finally got home. i made it. life is crazy.
i was able to celebrate my birthday here in dallas. the day of my actual birthday was pretty stressful because we had to move all these medical files from my dad's old workplace. if you've ever had to move medical files let me tell you... they are heavy and cumbersome. afterwards we ate at patrizio's, with margaret, who had just flown in from paris. oh but before we ate there, my mom, me, margaret, and jordan all got pedicures.
then my mom made me a cake and i got some pretty insanely awesome presents.
then mary got in super late and we all went to bed because we had an early morning flight.
our driver the next day was so funny, he was laughing the whole way to the airport and he even sang happy birthday to my grandpa with us all on speakerphone.
the plane ride to hawaii was long, for a few reasons. first of all, the movies sucked. second of all, it's way longer than i expected. and third, they don't serve food on that flight, even though it's 8 hours or so. you have the option of buying food but BLAH, whatever, who wants to pay $500 for a sandwich? no one.
also, my uncle randall and aunt mary joined us on the trip because we had room for like, 12, and they were on the plane, too.
maui was awesome. it was beautiful and the little city we stayed near, lahaina, was so cute. the beach was insanely nice and there were hammocks and pools all over the place. i really liked swimming in the ocean. even though the idea of sharks was terrifying, i really grew accustomed to swimming against the waves. there is something so insane and wonderful about seeing a giant wave looming over you and just jumping with it and letting yourself be dragged under. i also wore goggles and we took pictures with an underwater camera. can't wait for those to be developed.
most days were lazy. we all looked so... vague. our hair was crazy, our skin was always in one of four stages: 1. impossible to sleep on 2. really badly burnt 3. peeling 4. blistered
we drank pepsi we brought over from the mainland, did puzzles, watched random movies on tv, laid by the pool, laid by the ocean, laid in hammocks. some nights or afternoons we would go into the little town that looked like an adorable fishing village, and would grab some food, walk along the pier, and take photos.

obviously borrowed from pacific travel guides.

 it was just cute and colorful. the trees roots never seemed to end, people were chill. they would just all yell mahalo and hang ten. ALL THE TIME. as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

one day we did a roadtrip to hilo, this city on the other side of the island. the drive was pretty long because the road was very small and it wound itself around incredibly thick shrubbery and jutting ocean rocks and such things.

we visited a few other local towns. one night we ordered pizza. most days we just relaxed.

my cousin carolyn flew into town for a few days. she's been living in hawaii for a long time due to a messy divorce and so i haven't seen her in a reaaaaallly long time. so it was funy catching up with her again, too. 

at the end of the week, mary flew back to new york. the rest of us flew to honolulu to see pearl harbour. it was very intense. they show a very emotional video before you get on the ferry to see the USS arizona. after that, the whole thing becomes very real. the ship, essentially a tomb for the some odd 1,000 or so men who died inside the ship, is still leaking oil to this day. i asked the volunteer about it. there were 100 million canisters of oil when the ship sank. roughly 50 million have already bled out. he also mentioned that the ship is rusting, and will, within the next 100 years, fall apart. when that happens, all the oil will spill into the sea. they have ideas of how to control the spillage. we all wanted to know thy they don't just build a sort of plexiglass thing to keep it in, so it doesn't desinigrate and destroy the ocean. but whatevs, what am i, a scientist?

honolulu was very different from maui. very very VERY big and urbanized compared to maui. it was like LA but nicer and with better shrubbery. the mountains in ohau were gorgeous, of course, but the buildings blocked a majority of them. i had a fun time in honolulu but got really emotional towards the end of the trip. not sure why that happened, i think perhaps it was delayed reaction from the personal and emotional semester i had just experienced. i felt like a big failure because all my friends are graduating and here i am, denied from the major of my choice, trying to figure out how much more time it will take me to graduate.

then we all came home. we hung out with margaret for a few days before she had to head back to paris where her dog and boyfriend are waiting for her. the last night she was there, we watched HP7P1 which she hadn't seen before, and then stayed up until 5 am. we found the funniest videos and had a great time laughing and catching up. saying goodbye the next day was hard because it felt just like it used to, and when that finally happened, she had to leave the country.

anyway, now it's just me, mom, dad, jordan, and zach. it's a handful for sure. i really want to help my parents as much as a i can while i'm here. i take jordan and zach to school, pick them up as often as i can. i try to help my mom run errands and stuff. it's hard balancing time knowing antoinette will be going to med school in july and i'll be going to new york through june and july, so really this month of may is the only one we have to hang out together. 

it's been weird not hanging out with morning. i miss her. 

texas is hot. i went to the dermatologist today UGH bad news for me. more medication, this time, a very aggressive one that will force me to make unwanted lifestyle changes.

the other day antoinette and i got mi cocina and then went shopping at northpark. typical dallas day. i got a mother's day present and some other stuff. 

didn't celebrate cinco de failure because plans didn't work out. 

anyway, that's about all i've got. that's a pretty good method of catching up. my brother cut his hair today. me and my parents saw something borrowed which i really enjoyed. the main guy was cute. looked like what tom cruise should have looked like, in a perfect world. 

anyway, i HAVE GOT to sleep. i'm falling asleep standing up. 

i can't wait for the summer, though. i can feel good and important changes coming my way. i feel a re-identification of myself and my former enthusiasm for life. maaaah sleep now. 

home

well, after a difficult but (towards the end) fun semester, i'm almost to it's close.
the other day i celebrated my birthday with Morning and Ryan. man, do they know how to celebrate birthdays. i've never really had anyone go all out like that, at least while i've been in college. i mean, they REALLY put their 100% into it. we ate at india palace and ryan's gift was wrapped in a (clear) rain poncho, that i was forced to wear, and inside was a giant doughnut and a byusa shirt. i also got a card from the both of them, and morning got me a gift card to nordstrom. then the staff brought us plates and we lit the giant doughnut with a candle we found and they sang happy birthday very, very beautifully.
we ate our delicious food and then they brought out mango ice cream with coconut shavings (somehow it sounds better than it actually is), lit the ice cream with another candle, and then the entire restaurant sang happy birthday. very fun. then we went to DI and got some incredible finds, and then we all went to the sculpture studio and i worked on my bronze sculpture, which i finally finished.
so now i'm home. my first few days were rough. i was exhausted, so exhausted, and grumpy, and i still have a few assignments to do. friday will be better because it will be my birthday and then margaret will get in (although that will probably take away some from all the attention i could be getting but whatevs) and then mary gets in, but that's a lot later. so friday we'll open up presents and either mom will bake me a cake or we'll create a sprinkles red velvet cupcake tower or something.
then saturday we are going to maui.
and on friday i'll be getting my hair cut and my nails done.
and hopefully by the end of this week my health will be back to normal.
yesterday it thunderstormed and it was THE BEST. the rain was so strong and warm and the lightening just sounded good. then it started to hail on jordan and i, who were outside playing in it, and i grabbed one and it was the size of a golfball. a huge, spiky golfball. weirdness.
anyway, i better go. i have a french oral via skype today and then maybe i'll see antoinette or something. or maybe i'll see morning. or maybe no one. maybe i'll just take a nap.

FORGET YOU!

HAPPY 1000TH POST, SELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE PEOPLE WHO ARE PRETENTIOUS!!!!!!!!

i go home in two days. oh, didn't know? changed my flight. going home sunday. CAN'T WAIT.
shaking in my booties.
saw kelsey and keith's dog today. CHIP. so precious. he weighs 2 pounds and his razor sharp teeth are the size of grains of sand and he is SO CUTE. will post the photo i took on my phone later.
working on my bronze sculpture tomorrow, hopefully seeing some friends, going to india palace with morning and ryan to celebrate my 23rd birthday (eep) and then, yeah, packing for hawaii/ home.
ran errands today, washed and vacuumed my car, wore sunglasses, called a lot of people, talked about cool surgeries with my dad, visited kelsey, planned my weekend. went to salt lake city, ate chipotle by myself (no tears, no tears). i felt productive and happy and the sun definitely was a major factor in this.
when i get home in texas on sunday it will be around 88 degrees, WOWZA that'll be a change. i can't wait to walk outside and burn my feet on the sidewalk. no sarcasm.
plus i'm having a family reunion next week. we'll all be together! finally!
well, since it's four a.m. i should go.

two days

that's how many days i have left to churn out a ton of stuff as well as how many days of classes i have left. which is CRAZY to think about.
so, on friday i developed this crazy stomach... bug. flu. infestation. takeover. and i couldn't sit upright and food wouldn't stay in my stomach and nothing was helping. and i thought i was dying.
do you know how impossible it is to get school work done when you feel this way? impossible. seeing the bigger picture- just not happening. so i couldn't give my french presentation today with my group (great) and i have so many papers and projects i REALLY want to work on but just can't.
yesterday i was actually craving vegetable stir fry but i couldn't eat it because i can only eat pieces of toast and... soup. which i'm sick of already and it's only monday.
i'm calling stomach cancer.
but on the brighter side, i've got 48 more hours of suffering and stumbling and then i can rest easy because then i'll only have a few exams in the testing center. then i'll be one year old (and a little less wiser, let's be real) and it'll be weird to say 23. i feel like that's a death sentence. but i've also heard 23 being described as a fun year.
i'll never get married.
oh, and then the day i turn 23, i will also be flying home. and i'll get there just in time for lunch at mi cocina. and then the next day i'll be on a plane with all my family and we'll be heading towards maui.
this is like my third grade self's dream.
the trip will be so much fun. i can already feel it. lying on the beach, hanging out in the apartment, going shopping in the local city. biking, climbing palm trees, snorkeling. I'M READY.
now let's just heal this stomach.

finals.

so apparently next week is the last week of school. that really crept up on me. like, seriously, i thought i had two more weeks. but i have four days! this is insanity/ also impossible.
grey's anatomy is taking over my life. in a good way. (i guess morning would say in a bad way).
my room is beyond help. my hair needs a serious cut and my face needs a serious dermatologist.
but today was a thunderstorm. and it felt good. so i went outside and sat on the steps leading to our little red door, and just planted myself under an umbrella. and it rumbled and flashed and smelled so clean.
i don't know what the future holds. i don't know what my major will be or what profession i want to wake up and go to every day for the rest of my life. i don't know if i'll get my act together nutrition wise or if i'll ever date anyone. i don't know if i'll succeed this semester, and i know i'm not giving it all i've got. and that annoys me.

And here tonight while the stars are blacking out
With every hope and dream I've ever had in doubt
I've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away
But the water keeps on falling from my eyes

And heaven knows, heaven knows
I tried to find a cure for the pain
Oh my Lord! To suffer like you do
It would be a lie to run away


well. that's all i've got. i'm tired, obviously. i've got a blood clot somewhere in my body. and this sounds like a really bummed out post, but it's not, its really not. this all should probably just be in my journal but i've already written it so eff it i'm just going to post it and sleep.

god bless april

i cannot wait until this semester is over. this school year has, of course, been rough on me. i'm excited and anxious for this summer. it promises to have a lot of adventure in store!
after a series of tv shows, books, movies, etc. which somehow all seemed to revolve around fat girls.... i've decided to go back to the gym (yay me). after i dropped morning off at the airport on thursday, i went to whole foods in salt lake. i love that place. i stocked up on lots of delicious, fresh, organic fruits and vegetables. i went running today (ouch) ((also counteracted by how much i ate to "reward myself" g hate my life)). also, the weather was so perfectly gorgeous it was unbelievable. i almost crashed my car a million times because all i wanted to do was stick my head out the window and feel the sun on my face.
downloaded this awesome song.
here are things to look forward to:
classes being over in like, two weeks
the fact that i will be in maui in like, three weeks (WHAT?)

the fact that my birthday is in like, three weeks (double what? i don't want to be 23).
also... dum dum dum duuuuuum! (trumpet sounds) i'm 87% sure i'm staying with my sister mary in new york for half of this summer. around two months. that's like a study abroad! what adventure. what fun. what potential. what pizza. let's google search new york summer...

YES

DOUBLE YES

i'll just pretend like i'm serena van der woodsen. mary and i have already discussed doing yoga together, hanging out, maybe me getting an internship. we'll see! new york shall be my oyster and i will suck the living juices out of it until i find that pearl.
that's right. you heard me.
i'll also be home in dallas for around two months, all of may and then august until school starts. it sounds like it should be an AWESOME summer. and then when i get back to utah... anna simon will be there! i just can hardly stand my excitement.
sure, morning will be off with a credit card and the excitement of paris (i'm not bitter!!!!), but i'm determined to be better this coming year. i will! i can feel it in me bones.

a visit from a friend

well this weekend went by insanely fast. antoinette has somehow already come and gone! it was so wonderful. we didn't get everything we wanted accomplished, but we got much of it done. the first night she was there, we had dinner with morning, ryan, cait, justin, jacob m., and sydni. it was a delicious meal (how could it not at india palace?) afterwards, morning, antoinette, and i got dessert at this place. we all ate at laughed and then antoinette and i retired. the next day, (did i mention when she was here i missed virtually all my classes?) we got up and began our roadtrip.
had breakfast at ihop. it was delicious. we literally sang our way to vegas (i had six mixes created for the road trip). there, we ate at el segundo sol or segundo del sol or something like that. we'd had it the last time we were in vegas and it was so. incredibly. delicious.
anyway, by the time we got to los angeles it was pretty late but we went out and did karaoke anyway. i won't go into all the details but the whole trip with her was such a blast, it really was. we got back and spent all monday going out, watching movies, eating delicious meals, and just sleeping.
it was hilarious because i haven't been able to sleep well all semester but with her sleeping in my bed i fell asleep instantly. literally. the next morning she'd be like "you fell asleep SO FAST." after asking her how she knew i was asleep she'd go, "i could hear your sleep breathing." so it was an ongoing joke after that. her presence alone would lull me to sleep, and my sleep breathing would lull her to sleep.
i need to get married.
so she came and today she left. the drive back was surprisingly lonely. i didn't think i'd be that sad with her gone but for some reason it was just difficult. i found myself flirting with waiters and introducing myself to people. i'm just myself when she's around. it's been so long since i felt comfortable in my environment. haven't felt judged or put out or whatever. whatever stupid thing.
so i was left contemplating the things i learned during our time together. i watched eat, pray, love. i know it's gotten it's criticisms and rightly so, but there are aspects to that movie that i really enjoy. for one it gives me travel fever like WHOA. it also makes me think about my relationships with people and how i want to live my life.
and i mean actually live my life, not just talk about how i'm going to live it and then do the same thing every day. so here are some things.
1. i can't just keep escaping. it's ok to have a movie marathon weekend or to lie in bed all day and eat chocolate, but just not every day. it's important to have something to work on, a social environment, so that you get out there and feel the weather and deal with people. because hiding away all the time will get you no where.
2. people don't make who you are, but certain people can bring out who you are. and it's important to remember that when they aren't around. and it's ok to miss people and it's ok to be alone, and it's ok to meet new people and it's ok for friendships to fall apart. it's the natural order of things. that's one thing i like about the movie. you can miss a person, you can love them. and if you miss them a lot, then send them some light and love and then let it go.
3. documenting time together with people is so important! i took tons of videos and pictures when antoinette and i hung out, and i only wish i had done more! going through the videos is so funny. i remember things i would have forgotten and some of the best moments are captured. i was also reminded that you should document your life in an interesting way. different mediums and formats, different films and cameras, stuff like that.
4. it's time for me to start saving up some money to go on a serious adventure. i'm talking jet setting from one exotic locale to the next. some people are afraid of traveling or they're afraid of settling down or something like that. but it's important to do those things you're afraid of, it really is. the unexpected could very well be the best thing that ever happened to you!
5. you should do what makes you happy. even if that means wearing a wolf shirt for four days straight and getting weird looks from people.
that's all i've got for now. here are some photos of our trip.

seriously what is up with my moon/ asian eyes?

the best pals. from japan. run the saloon/ karaoke bar. so wonderful.

this dog is so ashamed of the dress it's forced to be in.

did i mention it was snowing almost the whole road trip there? craziness.

You know what I'm weird about? When an event is coming up and I've been so excited for it I could burst and then when the moment comes where it's about to happen I get incredibly sad. It's like, I'm already preparing for saying goodbye and already miss the company or trip or whatever before it's even happened. Odd, huh? I wouldn't really recommend it, not a very healthy way to live.so yeah, I'm in einstein's (which is playing the jonsi album. Weird, huh?) eating and attempting to study but failing. ive cleaned tons and tons and slept very little and just tried to make everything perfect but I probably failed. I'll still have a midterm to take and an outline to write and stuff while Antoinette is here, which is kind of a bummer.
And tonight she and I will eat with the strangest group... Jacob m., Justin, cair, morning, Ryan, this girl justin likes, and maybe cait's husband. SO strange.
Better try and study.

Reconnecting

My sleep schedule for about three weeks now has been completely decimated. I never know when i'll fall asleep and i never know when i'll get up but whenever those two events occur i am tired and drained and feel disjointed, disconnected, utterly out of it. i sit and stay in my room, in my bed, and i write things or read things, i find new music, i delete old files, i contemplate and grow quiet. but motivation never comes, motivation to go and do and see and be among people and taste new things and try and change.
so last night after pulling the covers up to my chin and staring at that halo light above my head for an hour, after putting on my sleep mix and waiting for thirty minutes for the steady beat to lull me to sleep, i decided enough was enough. i sat up, grabbed my computer, and chose to not sleep.
around five thirty i decided to take an adderall to help keep me awake and focused through the day, to last long enough so that i can finally fall asleep and wake up at a normal time.
and then i decided i needed to drive. if there's one thing i hate about driving around here is that the lights are so plentiful that you can never really turn up the music and cruise because you always have to stop and turn down the music respectfully otherwise whole bodies turn and they stare and stare because you're doing something different and you're disrupting the peace and gosh who do you even think you are?
so i found myself fully dressed for ballet class at 540, driving down open roads, unchanging lights, and darkness. i turned to the thermals, who just make me want to bend over and stomp my foot and scream out words about everything, just raw raw raw. so i did, i turned it up as loud as i could get it and i drove with the windows down and let the cold get to me and just sang my heart out. and it was the best idea i ever had because finally, finally, finally i felt like myself again. it was one of those moments where you see this other part of you, this part of you you haven't felt or seen in so long you forgot it was even there, and all of a sudden it just attaches itself to you, like a glowing puzzle piece, and you don't feel as lost or out of order anymore, life feels good again and you feel like you can conquer the world.
so i went to ballet, and i danced and bent my body and arms and felt ethereal even though i don't have the body of a ballerina, and even through the exhaustion and the baggy eyes i felt light. 
it was great.

Poems

I'm not very vocal about this but i absolutely love poetry. I have lots of books for a college student, and many of them are books of poetry. Collections of various authors, books of neruda and billy collins, nothing too crazy, nothing that deems me super cool and edgy. but it's better than nothing. some of these books have poems that have brought me to tears, made me wonder about myself and the earth and the interactions between people and why and how we can be so flippant about so much beauty around us that it hurts me, it hurts me on a deep level.
so tonight i started poking through frank o'hara poems (thanks beastly). after reading having a coke with you i moved on and started reading more. then i found this poem and i loved it.


Animals
have you forgotten what we were like then
when we were still first rate
and the day came fat with an apple in its mouth

it's no use worrying about Time
but we did have a few tricks up our sleeves
and turned some sharp corners

the whole pasture looked like our meal
we didn't need speedometers
we could manage cocktails out of ice and water

i wouldn't want to be faster
or greener than now if you were with me O you
were the best of all my days

he doesn't often use punctuation and i love that! he has another poem you should look at that i love called a true account of talking to the sun at fire island. it's so great, it just makes you want to live better, you know? and then somehow i stumbled on this poem by Pierre Reverdy and it's called for the moment. i liked that one, too! and then i remembered this very small lecture that i just happened to attend with a friend last semester. a man named brian doyle, who lives in portland, came and talked with us and read to us. and i loved him. i really did, no joke. the way he read his writing is exactly how i read mine out loud to myself, i felt like he was one of those people i could sit at a restaurant and talk to for hours and hours and hours and absolutely never want it to end! what a rare gift. he read a piece i have yet to be able to track down, but i found this little mini-essay he wrote about getting fed up with his son. i'll only put a little bit of it on here:

Yes, he was picking on his brother, and yes, he had picked on his brother all morning, and yes, this was the culmination of many edgy incidents already, and no, he hadn’t paid the slightest attention to warnings and remonstrations and fulminations, and yes, he had been snide and supercilious all day, and yes, he had deliberately done exactly the thing he had specifically been warned not to do, for murky reasons, but still, I roared at him and grabbed him and terrified him and made him cower, and now there is a dark evil wriggle between us that makes me sit here with my hands over my face, ashamed to the bottom of my bones.

I do not know how sins can be forgiven. I grasp the concept, I admire the genius of the idea, I suspect it to be the seed of all real peace, I savor the Tutus and Gandhis who have the mad courage to live by it, but I do not understand how foul can be made fair. What is done cannot be undone, and my moment of rage in the hallway is an indelible scar on his heart and mine, and while my heart is a ragged old bag after nearly half a century of slings and stings, his is still new, eager, open, suggestible, innocent; he has committed only the small sins of a child, the halting first lies, the failed test paper hidden in the closet, the window broken in petulance, the stolen candy bar, the silent witness as a classmate is bullied, the insults flung like bitter knives.

it's just so passionate and beautiful and so full of feeling. i relate to it a lot. the writing style and voice i mean. not really the essay, although i have definitely felt this way before. 

i'm trying to figure out how on earth i'll be able to afford my roadtrip/ time with antoinette. i really can't see the amount of money i presently have helping me get very far. and my parents didn't seem too keen on the idea of giving me more. they seemed to like the idea of the money being taken out of what would be given to me for my birthday. ugh. i hate restrictions! 

anyway, at school, not always, but specifically this school year, i've had plenty of alone time. i used to absolutely detest being alone, i really did, it would put me in a panic. and now, i feel a little stressed if i don't have tons of time with myself. to unwind, look at the websites i want to, listening to whatever sad or moody music i want to, or justin bieber and lady gaga on repeat if i want. i like being able to stare off into space and daydream, constantly daydream, although i guess that's not fully healthy. i should be living more in the moment, and i will soon, very soon, but for now i'm going to get the last of the winter blues out of my system. 

it's that weird time of (school) year where the days are going by so quickly you almost can't keep track of the days, and the tests and expectations start piling up but finals still seem so far away. it's a weird sensation, but it always happens.
but as the day goes by, one day also continues to get closer. (yes my 23rd birthday shudder) but more IMPORTANTLY, the arrival of one Antoinette Day. Ahhhh I cannot wait! We're going to have so much fun i can hardly stand it. And pretty much all the work will have been turned in right before she gets here so i won't even be stressing about school (for the most part). we'll be road tripping, which means spirit journey and hopefully finding amazing wolf shirts or indian jewelry or some such treasure. maybe a trashy shot glass or something, one that harkens back to the kelsey and julia days (an i caught crabs in california shot glass was, indeed, purchased once upon a time).
we will also be having a pit stop in las vegas where perhaps we will eat at the delicious restaurant me, antoinette, tina, and alexa went to in october when i was in vegas last. that mexican food was delicious. we will also be stopping at any/ all "world's largest" monuments. maybe even a ghost town, depends on the time. and then we will get to LA where the beaches and weather are great. we'll go dancing, to beverly hills, santa monica, the works. anto has never been to los angeles (somehow) so it should be a good time. and then we'll hang around provo until she leaves.
my whole family (other than margaret) is in new york right now. bummer.

happy saint patricks day from j dawgs

today i spent seven hours working on two stupid sculptures for my sculpture class. i love the class, i do not love my inability to make actually cool things. hopefully my bronze sculpture will turn out well. that one i intend to gift to my father. i made it with him in mind. 

holy smokes in a little over a month i'll be on a plane to hawaii with my entire family. the thought just blew my mind with excitement.

alright. i'm going to go read vogue and pretend like i'm actually thin enough to look good in the outfits. 

and yes, i know what you're thinking, but the hot dog was cheap-as-free and i can only eat that way until antoinette visits because i'm trying to budget here. priorities, gotta have priorities. 

and YES i ate dinner at home tonight golly. 

i hate sleeping because i know i'll have to wake up and i hate the exhaustion of waking up.
i saw liquid bronze today, right before it was being poured into our sculptures. it looked so incredible, no pictures could do it justice. it was so hypnotizing, no joke, i just stared at it even though i'm pretty sure that's bad for your eyes.
i wish people looked outside their boxes every once and a while.

what a drag it is getting old.
-the rolling stones

today was one of those days where you have this assignment due and you don't want it to happen so badly that you just wish you could whither away or run away or something.
that being: the great french debate. a debate in purely french on the laïcité in france that became a law in 1905. i was for it. so we had to sit in front of the class for, oh, fifteen minutes and go back and forth about why we were right and they were wrong. but oh the relief, the sweet relief you feel when, having finished, you stand up, sit down with shaky legs, and realize you don't have to do that again ever. 
best feeling in the world.
i rewarded myself by doing nothing of importance for the rest of the day. not the best use of my time but my brain turned to mush afterwards. my sleep schedule has been ca-aaa-aaarazy. i've been absolutely incapable of falling asleep at a normal time (i blame netflix) and the past few days would find myself not being able to fall asleep until seven or eight am. on sunday i woke up at 8. PM. the weirdest feeling in the world.
i've been talking to myself more and more lately. a sure sign of my impending insanity. i just wish there were someone i could share all these reflections and feelings with. a natural human response to be sure, but i can't help but think back on the days when boys were attracted to me and asked me out to things, to dinners and dances. and that was at an all girl's school! how crazy is this life. i mean, i'm not stupid, i know i've gained weight in college. i'm not ignorant. i guess i don't seem to have a stellar personality so i can't fall back on that one. because here i don't really have a personality. and if i do, i sure don't like it. it will be interesting to see if people perceive me differently when antoinette comes to visit next week.
can you believe it?! NEXT WEEK. my best friend will be here, in utah, next week. i can hardly contain my excitement. we'll be going to LA for the weekend, and we'll be having so many adventures i can hardly stand it. and then maybe i'll introduce her to my friends. oh wait, what friends, i've either alienated them all, ceased to talk to them because of boy drama (can somebody say jacob and javier?) or they've just moved on into their own lives (melinda, kelsey, anyone who got married). but there's morning. and maybe i'll introduce her to the jacobs just for kicks, and maybe i'll introduce her to my classmates and such.
ugh, all i want to do is DANCE.
here's a photo from my library i found that i had forgotten about. it's from japan. july, 2007.

the deer are sacred and allowed to roam free, so they feel no qualms in presenting themselves to you.
i wish we could all be that way.

Virgin Suicides

What a day. What a week. What a month and what a school year.
Today was quite the day. Not in one of those ways where you did so much and you feel so accomplished. Or where you and your friends went out and you laughed really hard and had hands out the windows and life was good. Not those kinds of days. It was one of those druggy hazy kind of days where nothing feels real and you feel ambient, you feel all the moments happening around you slipping through your fingers and you don't see a point to anything around you, but it doesn't matter. You know, just like, whatever happens it just happens and it doesn't really bother you.
Anyway, so i woke up late today. I've been having a hard time sleeping lately and it's making me bloated and have red eyes so i feel even more like a druggy. Anyway, the point is I woke up late. I'm always sick in winter semester, chronically ill, you know what i mean? So I woke up and went and got a sandwich and ate it in the booth alone. I talked with Jordan, listened mostly, and watched the guy clean the floor and watched multiple obese women come in and order bagels with large amounts of cream cheese. Like, they asked for more than usual. I mean, Einstein's already puts a lot on, I can't imagine wanting any more on my bagel.
So I drive back home determined to get stuff done. After showering and shaving my legs and feeling pretty damn proud of myself, I went to my room in the hopes of getting some shakespeare reading done. Boy did i ever... not. I didn't. It's so thick, you know? I have to be in a shakespeare mood. So i decided to watch Hamlet. Which version? Why the 1948 version of course! With Laurence Olivier! I got about thirty minutes into it and couldn't handle it any longer. I picked up some things in my room. I talked with jordan and antoinette and my mom, all briefly, and then I sort of sat around and listened to music. And then I tried watching a bunch of movies but they didn't really work out.
So I ate Chinese food and decided to watch the Virgin Suicides. I did my research, and it seemed pretty solid, no unnecessary nudity or sexy time or gore or whatever so i said why not. I loved it. I loved so much about it.

it made me feel all dreamy and stuff. you know what i mean? it really made me want to lie all over the place. on the ground, on the grass, in a field. it made me love the mystery of being a girl. it made me not want to try so hard to impress boys (its not like i do anyway, but it made me want to attempt to be alluring). the soundtrack was great. air (the band not the substance) has always made me feel dreamy like that. And i'd always loved the song "playground love" so hearing it in all these dreamy circumstances was so wonderful. When it was over I just felt like ice cream. So i ate this delicious ice cream cone and laid down on my bed and listened to air and just thought about how much i like being a girl and how much i like sprawling and growing.
i like learning, just not in the conventional sense. i like meeting new people but i haven't been that way in a long time. i haven't been normal. going through all these photos (as i transfer them onto my new computer) of my past makes me realize i've become more introverted. i understand some of the reasons why, i won't share them, but some of the reasons are frustrating. like, depression. it sucks. i only have it when i'm here, really, but people think that's kind of phony. i can't help it. people here are either depressing because they're so good or depressing because they're trying so hard to not be good. you know? and it's so depressing to see, it really is.
and another thing this movie reminded me of was kissing. i watched Gone with the Wind about a week ago or so and loved it as i always have. it just never gets old. it's one of those great sweepingly romantic movies. but not romantic in the sense that the couple is so happy together, but romantic in the ideals and the way it's shot.

see? sweepingly romantic.
and this is where kissing comes into play. one of the best lines is in this movie. other than the famous, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn," is the better, "No, I don't think I'll kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how."
Very true, Rhett Butler, very true. Kissing is one of those things i've just always been fascinated with. Even as a kid I could see the difference between on-screen kissing in the forties, the eighties, and the present day. It's so interesting to see how it's changed. Let me see if i can find some examples.

from seattlepi.com

In the forties it was this sort of, face smashing thing, you know? it's like, their lips meet and then they just hold it there, forever, until the shot is over with. For me, at least, it never fulfills that urge you have when you're watching a movie in anticipation for the couple to kiss. It's always kind of a letdown. But it's also a trade-off because movies from this time are also some of my favorites, the forties and fifties, you know, you've got Gentleman Prefer Blondes, An Affair to Remember, Breakfast at Tiffany's (which is pushing it time-wise, i know), etc.

In the 80's you get crap like Ghost, or stuff from like, Risky Business or whatever. Pick any 80's movie you want. You get a lot of head moving. I'm guessing with some of the heavier stuff you'd get some intense tongue but I feel like french kissing really got big in the 90's. In the 80's there's always this head moving back and forth really fast kind of a kiss. I always laugh at these. It looks so goofy.

And then you get.... the french kiss. the ever mysterious and seductive french kiss. this, i'm pretty sure, is the most common kiss in movie's now. especially big in the 90's. personally i think the present method of kissing in movies is perfect. it always builds up well, and the guys always puts his hand around her neck (the best) etc. etc. Anyway, i think i've proved my point. Kissing is a fun past time, and it doesn't happen near often enough. Probably because I'm single but it's just such a shame to not be able to practice something I'm so good at. You know? Not like I'm bragging much here, it's not like i have much else going for me.
anyway, finished watching the Virgin Suicides (what a tangent) and then i decided to watch Dhoom: 2 BECAUSE IT'S ON NETFLIX?!? always a great movie. i love it. rhithik roshan give me a call any daaaaaay.
oh wait, he's married.
“I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty... you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.” -j.d. salinger
so that's all i've got, really. stay mysterious. if you're looking for some kissing tips, i came across this wonderful page that i completely agree with. 
http://www.topyaps.com/tag/french-kiss/

computer thing = finally figured out. after using the last macbook pro and then upgrading to the new one, i'm going to have to say, i'm not sensing much difference. other than the camera being updated and having facetime and all the updated ilife programs, it's not too different. but i'm not complaining. it's shiny and beautiful and i love how it types and having a keyboard light up is the coolest and most convenient thing ever.
so, antoinette arrives in two weeks. i have a HECK of a lot of stuff to do before she gets here. finish our roadtrip playlists, clean my room, pack, oh and then all the tests, make-up papers, a debate in french class, quizzes, etc. etc. etc. i think i might die. oh and all my sculpture assignments being due. EGAAAAA.
so this weekend i must catch up.
what else. jordan got dumped by her boyfriend rhett. i'm calling shenanigans right here! also, mary and mark broke up. that one is more frustrating and confusing. i sort of understand why he did it, its just so hard to see them be on the verge of engagement and then split up. he needs to find himself and all that, but i just can't bear the thought that he won't come back and realize that they are so perfect for each other and that my whole family loves him and he's so optimistic and positive and what she needs. they are intellectual matches for each other and they get along so well. i can't really imagine her with anyone else. so this is something we are all sorting through. mary is unbelievably distraught so i'm trying to decide if i should not get a job this summer so that i can visit her for a month or so or if i should take fall semester off and go live there or what. i'm not sure what to do. i just know that i want to be with her and i can't stand seeing her sad because she always knows what to do and she's always so calm and rational.
hawaii in t-44 days? omg it can't get here fast enough. well, that's all for now. i need my energy tomorrow because i'll be doing a lot of studying and organizing and chiseling and writing of letters etc. etc.

you know what i don't like? writers that are too flowery with their language to the point where it sounds unnatural. if you use big words in everyday situations, use them. but when you bend it to the point where you lose your voice in the hopes of sounding more intelligent, i'm annoyed.
school sucks. but whatever, that's the way it's been since before the dawn of civilization, you know? i'm here and i'm queer. or whatever. i'm ready for march to be over. oh wait it just started. antoinette will be here in.. 18 days? i wish i could be in new york with my family this weekend but i won't be.
i'm becoming a ballet fiend. after my one hour class is over i stay and to another one. i'm contemplating going to the monday/tuesday classes as well, meaning four days a week of ballet, for about one to two hours a a day. ahhh, what a dream! i love how i feel doing it. i love how graceful you feel and in control. and the way your body moves so fluidly. and i love my classmates! we've all gotten close and shared stories and our fears and i feel like i'm a kid in the ballet classes i should have taken long ago but never did. because of fear. which is so stupid, it makes me wonder how different my life would be if i wouldn't let fear get in the way.
i'm returning my computer tomorrow and getting the BRAND NEW macbook pro. it will be beautiful and will work at top speeds and i will name it something very clever and fitting.
i was at starbucks and a man in a trenchcoat near me and morning stared at me the entire time he was sitting there. not in a flattering way. but morning walked in after he left (she'd been on the phone) and was like "dude that guy was flat at staring at you the whole time." i'm aware. creepers always stare at me. not fun ones that are like 22 and in a fraternity, like 40 year old men still living with their mothers with weak jawlines and a fetish for the matrix.
i'm kind of catching up on my work for school but not really. it's impossible to convince myself to do work that has no REAL deadline, just a "turn it in as soon as you can" stamp on it. i'll do my best to convince myself otherwise.
watched blue crush, pumped for hawaii.
is there any other news? not that i can think of.

first of all. anne hathaway, failure host of the oscars, what was that dress that looked like a sea monster threw up some blue metallic tape thing.
second of all, mom and dad said i could go home this semester if i wanted to. since antoinette is coming to visit slash the semester is a little over half way done, i have a hard time convincing myself it's ok to go home. but if they had told me i could four days ago, i'd be withdrawn from my classes and out of here.
i think i found new housing. it's farther away from campus, though, which sucks.
i'm becoming increasingly more and more addicted to ice water with lots and lots of ice. its so good for the soul.
did the rowing machine at the gym. soreness.
want to go home.
bought groceries.
had dinner with morning.
watched gossip girl (wtf what was that ending. SUCH a tease).
took a shower.
hawaii = 55 days.
ugh, maybe i should've taken the parents offer... this semester is just so unsuccessful. i'm tired just thinking of all the things i have to get done. ugh.

what the heck is my life.

i'm going to go out on a limb here and say very few people actually check this blog. so most of what i say is to remind myself of past mistakes, and to track how far i've come. for example, reading entries from, say, 2005, i feel like i've come pretty far, both in social eloquence and in controlling my emotions (at least publicly).
i don't have the hardest life, by any means, but dealing with an overwhelming depression that seeps through me in the winter time is something that makes everything in life ten times more difficult than it should be.
that being said, not only was i denied from my major, but my study abroad was cancelled. after a lot of tears in anger and frustration, i think it's been decided that i won't be going on a study abroad this fall. i'm angry about it, incredibly angry about it, but at least i'll be getting some classes out of the way and i'll be one semester closer to graduating.
i talked to my parents on skype tonight and it was extremely difficult. partially because i could see their faces and i knew they could see how overwhelmingly hideous mine was (tears). it was hard to realize how much i've been internalizing this whole time. my dad just kept pointing out how happy and bubbly i was in high school and wanted to know what happened. to be honest, i think it could be a slew of different things, but in a lot of ways i've been jaded. it's not something i necessarily like about myself. i've developed into somebody who is very shut off, isolated, quick to judge, and non trusting. i don't socialize anymore, i don't go out of my way to introduce myself or drive all over town with a car full of friends looking for something to do. i don't try and get to know people, i don't even attempt to excel in school. who knows. i've been rejected more in college than any other time in my life. i've felt more judged, misunderstood, and mistreated in a lot of ways.
there are some things i like about utah that i know i'll miss. the snow can be pretty, and it's interesting being around so many people who are of the same faith i grew up in. blah blah blah. but i feel stunted here. i'm sure i'll miss some things about college when i graduate but for now... for now i just want to move out. get a job, be with family.
anyway, now i just feel guilty for making my mom so sad.
i just want to go home. 

DECISIONS.

we all have them. well i have some very big ones to make in a very short amount of time. I got into this study abroad in Berlin. then i got an e-mail telling me that the program had been cancelled. Now the lure of travel is starting to hit me hard, but I'm having a really difficult time making this decision. I would love nothing more than to be traveling through Europe this fall, but there are some downsides.

1. my very good friend will be moving close-by, and i would miss spending time with her. (i don't know how long she'll be staying here)

2. my friend angela will be coming back from her mission and the fall semester will be her last one here.

3. it would cost a lot

4. it would mean missing thanksgiving with my family again. 

since the program has been cancelled, i've found out that i could still actually study in berlin, but i wouldn't have a program instructor, and i would really only be friends with people studying in the goethe institute. so i could do that program in germany or there are two other ones. well, three. there's one in norway, in the summer, or there's these international business ones. they go all over the world and they sound amazing. that would be really fun, and it happens in the summer. anyway, not sure what to do with that.

other important things. i got denied from advertising so i've got to apply again/ change my major. but more importantly, my best friend for life, antoinette, is coming to visit me in march. the 24th can not get here soon enough!!!!!

check out prada.com. and then go US. they have a video up that is awesome. both in composition and because they are playing ratatat. they've got my kudos this spring/summer.

how many more days until summer, again?

let's see, i'll be on a flight to hawaii in.... 62 days. and i'll be taking my final exam in 60 days. that's doable, right? because (fingers crossed) antoinette will be visiting in a few weeks which will distract me and then when she's gone, its projects and stuff. then maybe a road trip or something and then it will be last week of classes and then finals. i can do this.
time for a self pump up speech.
so tomorrow i'll clean my room. i'll swallow a million cough drops and hope that my throat clears up and i stop coughing. i'll go to the gym. i'll organize my books and pills so i can feel like my life has some sort of semblance of organization and then i'll catch up on the copious amount of work i've missed.
i've downloaded a bunch of new stuff which always makes me feel pumped. problem is most of it is dance stuff and now i really want to go clubbing. DANG IT. i hate when i get that feeling here. oh well. i'll be home soon enough. and then it will be summertime.

HAWAII

other things to get pumped about for summertime. 

via chicintuation.com. tangerine lipstick will be big this summer.

from elle magazine. what's cooler than a blazer over a swimsuit?

espadrilles. yes. 

if you're a girl and that didn't make you want summer to be right now i don't know what would. bronzer. beaches. dancing. going out with friends. lying out in the sun. popsicles. freckles. ahhhh... summertime. the best time.