school started. my surgery is over but i still have to get the caps put on, which will happen in about a month or two. we went on our senior retreat which was fun, while it lasted. before i got paranoid and lonely and weird and stuff. we're going to rome for christmas, the decision is final now? i think? i'm not sure still. my mom called while we were on the retreat and said that the deciding factor was for me, and i hate making decisions, so i was complaining about having to make the decision, but all of my friends were there and i feel like they all looked at me like i was complaining. but i wasn't complaining about "having" to go to italy or "having" to go to switzerland, both places are amazing adventures and opportunities, it's just i hate it when i'm the deciding factor, especially when it's my last christmas living at home. anyway, they shunned me for the rest of the day, which made me sad. i'm not stuck up.
i wish i could remember everything i have to do. all the forms to send in and the packages to send overseas, the tests to take and when to prep for them, the essays i have to write and when they are due, all of the tests i have coming up and what they're over and just. everything. i'm working my butt off, i really am. 530-1200 those are my hours. and it sucks too. waking up that early, going to seminary, doing homework, going to classes, doing more homework, going to fencing, coming home, going to dinner, and then starting homework.
sigh. my voice was carpeted in the clamor of falling dirt. but my baby girl, you became pretty good looking.


i miss so so so many things.

well, mary is in grad school now, which leaves me the oldest in the house. i swear jordan and zack are regressing rather than progressing in their growth. it is so frustrating. my room is impossible. my fashion has evolved into this sort of crazy screw-you and your boring clothes attitude. it's getting pretty crazy.

i'm rocking out but i'm just making noise.

man, it has been an awful week... margaret went back to college today. we didn't really hang out very much the last couple of days, and no one really seemed to care if i wanted to or not, so... oh well. last night i had an incredibly awkward night at dinner. another family was there and i was crying half the time thank heavens they didn't notice... i felt embarrassed because everyone was bringing up faults about me... from my bathroom sink to my make-up... it was horrible. it made me miss germany and the love i felt there so much that i went into the bathroom and just sobbed. it was horribly embaressing for me personally, just because i wish i could get over it. but you know how it is... when everything seems to go wrong, that's when you miss the utopias you've experienced... i just didn't want to be there. and then today... gosh. i've been babysitting all night, and i call one of my friends to see what's up, and she's like... we're going to accepted... you should come! it's at ten. and i was like... well i haven't seen my friends in days... i've been emotionally unstable and depressed, and i've been working in my room a lot and babysitting A LOT, so my mom should probably be ok with this... i call my mom... she says no. AGAIN? WHAT THE... mom?! what? it didn't make sense at all. and it wasn't even like she sounded like she was sorry... there was no tone of regretfullness in her voice, she just dismissed it. she dismissed all my problems all my feelings with a simple no. and i just don't know how it's ok... i don't see why i need to be punished so much. who knows how much i've missed by not hanging out with my friends. and it's not like next week is easy either... or like i'll see more of them. i'm doing fencing pre-season. getting shots. getting year book photos taken. getting surgery. all of which i'm incredibly nervous about... especially the surgery bit. as we all know.

i just want to re-wind to april and may again... when everyday was filled with secret messages and such love and. GOSH i'm. i'm losing my mind.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
BLOGGER CAN'T HANDLE RUSSIAN FONT.


HAHAHAHAHA: look at all those ????'s

first and foremost:

??? ??????? ???? ??? ???? ???? ? ??? ??? ????? ????????? ?? ?? ????????? ???????? ?? ??????? ???? ???? ????? ?? ??? ????? ????????? ??? ?? ????? ?????? ????? ????????? ???? ???? ?? ???? ???? ???? ???? ?? ??? ??????? ?? ??????? ???? ?? ?????!!!!! ???????? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ???? ??? ????????????? ???? ????

???


hows about a l?ttle ?PÜ?Ç:??ÜÜ; TURKISH????

???? ??? ????? ?????? ??? ?? ? ??? ?? ?? ????... ?? ????? ???? ???? ?????. ????? ?? ???¨¨¨¨

????????????????;?????????!!!!!!!!

ok yeah but anyway, back to business.

mary was all, "ok so i'm going out with my friends and you CAN'T come with... but you can update your blog while i'm gone." and me being the sad, sad soul that i am, i am here... updating.

although i don't have too much to say. school starts in a couple of weeks and i'm so. nervous for the college process to start. talked with ludwig. was a mediocre conversation. not a lot of excitement from either side, really.
i schedule my surgery on monday, which REAAALLLYY freaks me out. i just do NOT want giant nails driven through my body, nor do i want my gums lasered!!!!

what else?? babysitting tomorrow night. do i have anything really intellectual to say? i can't decide. what has been on my mind lately is art. i havent had a passion for it in about a year and i kind of miss it. so that's what's been on my mind lately. oh,,, and also... oxford. oxford has been on my mind a lot lately. i really miss that experience. it was amazing. and i would love to see some of my friends from that program again. it was SO AMAZING.
i wish i could go back. not do it again, just go back with the same group and re-live it.
AHHHH.

i'm mad at me because i keep on making friendships and relationships, etc. that only i care about keeping. and i need to get over that. i also don't know if it's my obsessive imagination or not, if these people are really neglecting me, or if i just really want to hear from them and they just aren't talking or what.
whatever it is, it sucks.

WOOOOOO.
HOOOOOOOO.

ok so i've set my awesome keyboard to a german keyboard setting, which is trippy because the y and z are changed up, as are all of the ü+äö-.,,#'!"§$$%%&&//()=? buttons. it's really awesome. anyway. so yesterday i hung out with antoinette and jason. antoinette and i ate at bucca di beppo, which was awesome and dericious, and then jason joined us, but, as he admitted later, he was cranky. antoinette and i WANTED to rent pteradactyles or however you spell it, but jason didn't want to watch it. so we watched entrapment. which i remember being pretty good.
today i was reunited with my biffy, anna, and we talked about her trip to china and my trip to germany. it seems so far away now, and i really can't be bothered to think about it anymore.
my mutti took me shopping today which was wicked awesome. she bought me very nice things. i haven't gone shopping with her in a while.
i'm on chapter four in my teach yourself german book!!! WOOT.
other than that, there really isnt much else. i wish i had more energy? that's about all...
school starts soon. mixed feelings.

alright, i'm ready for a change. i'm getting my hair cut on the 18th, this is true. i'm also getting that tooth surgery done (shudder) soon. which will change a lot. and... i can just feel it. a good kind of a change. i can feel it in me bones. glad to just be moving on from all that. ugh. all that... stuff.

i don't know why i feel like posting suddenly. why, lately, i have written more and more increasingly. i guess it's because i have a lot on my mind, and if i keep it inside me, it becomes dangerous. as i learned roughly two years ago.
WOW does time move quickly. i remember when i was younger around christmastime, it seemed to drag on. and on. and on. the days moved like years to me and i simply couldn't wait to get my presents from santa. and now, days move like minutes. though summertime is hot and slow and the hazy days all seem to blend together, they somehow all just sort of lump into this one time frame, and it all passes fairly quickly. it's august already, and towards the end of the month i'll be starting my senior year of highschool. i remember almost thirteen years ago when i was walked up to my first kindergarten class, following the red foot steps trail to the front door. though those have been torn down now for newer greater architecture, i still feel nostalgic thinking about it. i just don't know how i got here so quickly. and growing up occurs so fast as well. it seems like in the blink of an eye i went from awkward and incapable to talking with boys to awkward and wanting to be friends with lots of boys. but now i seem to use my awkwardness as a sort of shield and identity. i act awkward, but i rarely am awkward. i find myself uncomfortable in very few instances, and i like it that way because it allows me to be more flexible with life. i tend to meet a lot of very interesting people because i'm simply not afraid to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger.

that aside, i read my sisters blog about her healing process over the past two years. i went back and read a couple of the posts from october of 2001 and was surprised. i forgot how poetic her entries used to be- there was such a burn, there was such a fire in her. to become an author, to do something with her life, to smear her ideas and images all across the world. and somewhere inbetween there and now it died. i know that living at home had a majority to do with it. there is no privacy here, really, and everyone is so incredibely observant and critical. with babystitting and the need to make money, etc. there isn't much time for her to do the things she really loves-- scrapbook, create journals, write, take pictures, etc. i realized that i haven't really had a burn or desire to do photography since. well... since oxford. it just sort of faded once last school year started, and i haven't had the drive again. in a long time. and i miss it. because i feel like i was once really hip. once i really thought of myself as artistic, and i painted and sketched and did ceramics and took so many photos. and now i'm just sort of this lump. summer doesn't help. i'm lazier than ever, i drag myself out of bed in the mornings and collapse into bed at night. in the mornings i have to help my mom cook and stuff, so i'm left with a huge chunk of time just to think. which is normally a good thing, but it seems that lately, that thinking time is just used up to mentally beat myself up. with memories from germany, about my weight, etc. i rode my bike for a while today, and it felt pretty good when i got home. it didn't feel good after i ate a whole bag of cookies tonight, but when i had stretched and done some crunches, i felt good about myself. for a little bit. and then i realized that i have no impulse control, and remembered that it probably wouldn't last.

and for whatever reason, i feel like the odd one out of the family right now. everyone seems to be getting along with eachother, except me. jordans obsessive rituals though, her constant name calling and kissing the dog and all that drive me absolutely insane. not to mention zack off his medication is like. hell on earth. the incessent screaming just drives me up the wall. margaret seems off her rocker to me, and seems to be fluctuating from happy to really snappy very quickly. and mary is about to move and couldn't care less about my emotional well being or wherever this "attitude" is from. and when i was looking at the college website from our school, i realized that there are places all around the world i could go to college in. europe, asia, etc. so i looked into it. i thought of hong kong but realized that would be TOO much of a change, so i focused mostly on europe. i thought about germany for a long while, but then i just saw myself in a couple of years, with few friends and my weekends being taken up with wanting to visit old friends from school, but them having moved on to different places, etc. which would be awful and i'd feel so stupid, so i totally ruled that out. i thought of rome and again with the lonely thing. so i focused primarily on france and england. paris would be a dream, as would london. but for some reason, when i brought this up, everyone started taunting me and posing it like i was doing this just to be close to my friends in germany. which was embarrasing and made me ashamed i even brought it up. all i could focus on was the lightbulb above the table and the fork near my plate and i didn't want them too but the tears started pouring down my face. and there is something to be said about the way mary can see where justice is deserved. and i know i'll miss that. i'll miss having her there to back me up when the family gangs up on me. i don't know what i'll do about that. these next couple of months are going to be horribly stressful for me, and i don't think i'm emotionally ready yet for this huge change. i'm going to a different church now, mary will be in college, i'm applying for college, doing fencing, and SAT prep courses, and i just don't know how well i'll handle it all. to top it all of, ludwig got back from bavaria, and never even wrote me hello, so now i just feel even more stupid and more alone and. blech.
i kind of want to run away for a while, just go somewhere and visit people i haven't seen in such a long time, but i know this is impossible. with the large amounts of appointments and commitments i already have set up, there is no way i can break away for just a little bit. i feel like a hollow easter bunny except without the sweet layering. and it's just an awful feeling and i wish i knew how to stop this sadness but i don't.

well. it has started.
for the most part.

i've started looking into colleges, printing off applications, organizing files, narrowing choices down. i'm looking a LOT into foreign schools, it just feels right somehow, so i'm looking at places in london and paris and i thought about rome but it felt like i would be really depressed there, so i didn't do that. i also thought about germany, but again with the feeling that i would be really depressed their thing. i think i would be happiest in england, but whatever. and of course i'm also looking at schools in america. it's just so nerve racking, because there are SO MANY appointments, deadlines, meetings, flights, etc. that i now i have to plan and prepare for. it's really scary, this is huge for me.
aaaannnnnddd i've been gone from germany for a while. that just-got-back-from-europe shine is starting to wear off and i find myself jealous of friends that are there right now or who are going still. aaaahhhh. i don't know. i just don't know.

i'm also so incredibly surprisingly (or not so) lonely. i miss hanging out with fabian and ludwig. they were so goofy and laid back.
aaaaccckkk. girls have way too much drama. i've just decided not to get caught up in it. it's so stupid, it's just a bunch of hallow shouts and stuff to make yourself feel more important and bigger and better than everyone else. it just seems stupid if you ask me. it's all about attention, and there are so many better ways of getting attention. well.

that's that.

wow

all of my friends packed up and left for san diego today (i am not included in this adventure. it's complicated) i'm surprisingly indifferent and glad i'm not going.
so today i had to go to the dentist office because i'm getting surgery to have my teeth implanted. it was scary. the giant titanium screws that will be drilled into my gums, and later on, the gumline that will be LASERED AWAY sounds really painful and i'm not very excited for this to happen. however, it's happening. and sooner than i expected.

mary and mom are coming home today, i haven't seen my mom in like three weeks, but i only see her for a day and a half before she leaves with my dad for an adult family reunion.

i'm still confused and lonely. it's really confusing. i have so much stuff to do, so many appointments and checking to make sure things don't conflict. and i'm worried about college applications and getting rejected. because i hate rejection, and i fear the looks on my parents faces when they see where i get rejected from.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

18 is kind of a confusing time. because you really aren't a kid anymore, but no one really views you as an adult either. but then i see some 18 year olds, like miss universe, who are like. drop dead gorgeous. and then i see myself and i'm like... gross. what is this? why do you insist upon eating so much and doing so little? i don't know.

what i do know is that i want to make a movie. i want to take pictures. i want to live in europe. i want to build something. i want to make a song. i want to kiss again. i really miss that. that was fun. i want to cook something. i want to explore.
i wonder how differently i must come across to people. i mean, i know what i'm like to me, but what do i look like and how do i come off to other people? do i seem desperate? do i seem needy? too loud? nosey? i don't know. do i come off as adventurous and childlike as i feel? do i come off innocent? or do i come of as sexual? i don't know. it's really weird when i lie down and think about it for long periods of time.

you know what's also weird?

the fact that a week ago at this very hour (only 7 hours ahead in german time) i was lying down in annikas backyard, cuddling between caroline and antoinette and looking up at the most amazing night sky i've ever seen. and i felt so comfortable and so content, and as i said then, it looked like the sky had serane wrap (spelling?) spread over it and someone had sprinkled glowing salt all over it. it was incredible, it really was. it was so vibrant and there were just so many stars. and to think that was just one week ago. how much can change in a week.

you know, that's another thing. so much can change in such a short amount of time. in a minute. in a second. someone can die. someones life can change. marriage. babies. death. jobs. new opportunities. tragedy. it's hard to explain. it's just weird that, while i can go a full day lying around on the couch seemingly doing nothing, thousands of peoples lives are changing. in incredible ways. i mean, just one week ago i was in germany. two weeks ago i was at ludwigs house. we were talking and partying and who knows what else. and now i'm sitting in my house. and there is no breeze outside. and the days seem filled with stiffled boring air that doesn't move or intrigue or inspire. and someties i just lie there, on grass, on a bed, on a couch, staring up at the white ceiling, or the sky, or the window. and just staring. and wondering. and thinking. and going over memory after memory after memory, wanting to relive moments and change others, wanting to see people, and go certain places. wanting to be the person i've always imagined myself being, but couldn't because of the lack of resources and money and time.
time time time. don't even get me started with time. it runs out so quickly and before you know it moments are over. years are over. childhood is over. lives are over.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i've got so much on my mind it's insane.

i'm back in america and i'm so. hallow. i'm so scared about the upcoming schoolyear and all the requirements that come along with it. it's senior year and no one has signed me up for an SAT review and i feel like my parents don't even realize what i still have left to do. i have the SAT and the ACT and i don't want to do either. i'm so scared about college applications and if i'll come across the way i really am and if colleges will accept me and what college i'm going to and all of that.

not to mention the fact that i am so emotionally confused right now. i. have no bike to ride anywhere. it's hot and the people are fake and all dress up too much. everyone is injected with plastic or some synthetic and clothes and make up hide true personalities. teenagers are obsessed with boring things that don't require any thinking or intellect. i have no more ludwig to have deep late night discussions with, i have no cool castles to climb to or parks i can have picnics in. there isn't a train station nearby where i can just get on and visit a city filled with more history than my state is. it's horrible and i just want to go back. not to mention i don't know how long it will be until i see these people again. i would love nothing more than to visit all of my friends in germany in christmastime, when it's snowing and beautiful and even more memorable than the summer but i think my parents would rather me stop talking about my feelings and/ or germany. i just love it so much, i really do, and i keep on getting made fun of for it. my family sees nothing redeeming in the food there, nor do they find anything about the country very fascinating. a couple of days ago i went out and bought a book to teach myself german. i'm on chapter three. progress is mediocre.
that doesn't change the fact that i'm so depressed though. the time difference doesn't help either. whenever lisa, charlotte, fabian, or annika are on, i'm asleep or at lunch or something. and ludwig is in who-knows-where bavaria and i don't know if he'll ever be on the internet again. so all contact seems virtually shut off.
just to add on top of ALL OF THIS... i have nothing left to look forward to this summer, i haven't seen any of my friends since i got back, and they're all leaving for san diego in a couple of days.
i just need a hug from charlotte or ludwig or even FABIAN or annika or lisa but they are all more than 5,800 miles away. and that is MORE THAN AWFUL. and not knowing when i'll see them again makes it even MORE worse, because i've got nothing to look forward to, it's not sure.
so i'm stuck staying my sisters room which is full of moths that don't seem to die, which just leaves me full of fear that i'll inhale/ swallow some while i'm sleeping so i can't seem to fall asleep out of paranoia. i also keep on watching the life aquatic with steve zissou which makes me cry at the end everytime and i'm not sure why, i don't know if it's because he has to overcome the thing that killed his best friend, or because he's lost the boy he viewed as a son or if it's because everyone at the end just sort of touches him out of comfort and i'm jealous that i don't have that sort of comfort right now or what. i don't know what it is for sure but sigur ros mixed with that ending and klaus + the little german boy just doesn't help .

and so here i am, awkward and 18 freaking years old and more confused about life than i ever thought i'd be, and hoping that somehow everything will fix itself even though i know it can't and won't and hoping that all the moths in this room will somehow be obliterated and mourning my loss of germany and wishing that i was just awkwardly sitting in a restaurant with ludwig and fabian on the night of the world cup when everything seemed to glimmer with hope and anticipation and nervousness.

germany 2006

ohhhh man. im in germany right now and i leave tomorrow and no words can describe this trip...

i have changed significantly but in not so obvious ways, and i have done and eaten things i never thought i would have the guts to. i had to say goodbye to ludwig a couple of days ago, and when i was running beside the train crying and blowing kisses towards each other, i realized i dont want to leave this place. i really fell in love with this country and the language and the people and everything. i loved münster so much, it was such a cool city. i dont know if it was the hugely large amount of bikes everywhere or if it was the awesome night scene, but i loved it. ludwigs house was so nice and his family was so awesome, and every morning his mom would make me such delicious müsli with delicious fruit on top and we'd have bread and nutella and it was sooo grood.
i only wish i had said thank you more often. i just sort of got out of the habit and never thanked ludwig for helping me when i felt sick, and i didn't tell his mom thank you enough. and he brought it up in switzerland and i felt aweful when i realized that it was true, that i was ungrateful. i felt aweful and i wish i could go back in time and relive it and fix everything. because that half of the trip was just so surreal and amazing.
no words.

more later.

grace and the dumbfaces.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....


<333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333``

oh... pain.

ok...
sooo....

two days in a row now and i've talked to annika. and it's SO bittersweet. i mean, she's back in germany and i'm so excited to hear from her, and to plan my trip to germany, but i'm also so nervous about what the future holds. when i'll see her again and what will happen.
i'm also really depressed now that ludwig is gone from the US completely now. when he was in boston etc. he was far away, but not too far, and fairly easy to stay in contact with.
i just talked to him yesterday, but i don't know if his plane got in alright and i miss hearing from him. i got used to the nice thoughtful sweet text messages, and they have ceased completely. it's totally depressing me. i. don't know.

don't get me wrong. i couldn't be more excited for germany. however, i'm worried about what happens after that? what happens after two blissful weeks? i won't see these people again in who knows how long. what will happen? what will i miss? i will crave their hugs and their kind words and i will get so upset. the hallways of school won't be the same, and the flood of uniforms at our brother school will be eagerly searched for a tall german who is no longer there.

it's so horrible i can't even describe it. when the phone rings i have to force myself to not rush to it, and when a local area code shows up i get sad. i check any and all sources of communication in the hopes of just hearing from them, knowing that there ok and alive and maybe thinking of me from time to time. there's a strain in my heart and my body aches every night and every morning. it's a complicated feeling to describe, but i think it's heartbreak. and it really hurts.

everything in the city has some sort of memory attached to it. if not directly, it reminds me of something and indirectly has a memory attached to it. every starbucks, the malls, the movies, so many songs, my car, my school, jamba juice, lakes, houses. streets. everything has a certain memory or string of memories with it, and it's aweful. i hate bringing it up so often around my friends because i know their tired of hearing about it, but it's one of the most difficult hurdles i've ever had to jump in my life. i didn't expect the pain and anxiety to last this long or be this intense, but i have surprised myself yet again.

to top it off, i never get to see my friends. if i want to hang out i'm reminded of germany, and if i want to save up for it or not, so i can't even go talk to friends and get consolation from them. i miss seeing them, some of them i haven't seen at all this month.

for all of them, but most specifically ludwig, i have developed a special place in my heart for these people, and a certain connection. me and him were so similar, and it was strange, the feeling that we'd known each other forever. i really did grow to love him dearly, and having him leave is like having a part of my heart ripped out.

annika and i went to florida together and shared a full week of vacation with my family. it's so hard not having her here, hugging me when i need it, or talking or just being crazy. making cards and cooking and doing dumb stuff. when i need to call someone to talk, i pick up my phone and scroll through and pass by names and numbers that will never be activated again.

it is a frustrating and depressing time for me, and i just seem to work and work for nothing. i haven't received a reward for my work in such a long time and i often feel like most of the work i do is overlooked.

there isn't that much else to say. obviously i have a lot in my mind and am very emotional.
i just. i wish they were coming back. and it's so hard on my heart to imagine they won't.

HAVE I MENTIONED YET HOW MUCH I LOVE THREADLESS AND THEIR T-SHIRTS?

http://threadless.com?from=mynameisjulia


buy them from that link.

so i get credit for my street team.

look, i don't really see the point in posting if i've got nothing to talk about (MARY)

so. i slept over at antoinettes house cause i left my keys in her cabana. where the grandparents were sleeping...

so. jesse jazon anto and i went to slyns party. which was a sophmore party. and thus, fairly boring. involved a lot of awkward dancing far away from eachother and fake flirting. frankly i was rather embarressed for the lot of them.

'cept slyn that is.

then there was also the horribly unfavorable game of sorry. which got no where.
so we made hot chocolate and then jesse left and then jason stayed for a while and then he left and then antoinette and i got into cozy clothes and talked about summertime and other funny things and then fell asleep. and woke up FACETOFACE it was so scary.

and liz, antoinette, and i made waffles this morning and then anto and i went to the bible camp orientation thing.
and then i came home.

and we sat around.

and my parents grossed me out.

like what every weekend is like, really.


so now i'm bored and really hungry and so me thinks i'm going to make some pizza.
and. like. sleep.

ELOUAI DOLLS ARE AMAZING.

I HAVEN'T wow. decided which one looks more like ludwig. i mean, i guess this is him, only in asian anime form. the shirt, jeans, and shoes uncannily match his wardrobe though.

I ALMOST made them khaki shorts and a t-shirt, but i didn't.

in other news. umm... i cleaned the kitchen again today.
iiiii.... listened to music a lot.
checked my facebook.
got a really bad migrane and got sick. so i stayed in bed for a while.
today we're celebrating zacks birthday. annnnddd...
that means cake and stuff.
i hope i get to leave the house soon. i'm pretty much bored.

to my grandpa:
cheers. you lived longer than i probably will.

well. mary yelled at me this morning because i WASN'T UPDATING ENOUGH. so here i am.

there really isn't that much to update unfortunately. i will not be revealing details about my personal life (mary). i'm still working a lot to save up money for germany. i'm so freaking excited. like... no words. i get to see my little muesli again.
what else? i've been cleaning a lot. seeing a lot of really bad movies. WHEN WILL SOMETHING GOOD COME OUT?
iii.... have been text messaging a lot? or should i say, sex messaging a lot? heh.

uhh... i got a bad stomach... um... virus? a couple of days ago. my stomach is probably mad at my fatty liver for not eating groodly. yeah, i should probably fix that.

what else? ummmm. i've been. sleeping not much. and. watched lost in translation a couple of days ago which really confused me. emotionally. i feel like i already said that... last post maybe.

my grandpa is dying. i have mixed feelings about the bets that are being placed by family members about when he will die. "i bet he's going to die on tuesday. he's gonna pull this one out."

downloaded some more death in vegas and magnetic fields today. grood shtuff.


i. just want to go to germany now. why must my time there be so short?

aaahhh.

somewhere a clock is ticking. download it. REALLY REALLY GOOD.

mit dir is also good, but its german. german hotness.

I KNOW I KNOW

it's been forever. 'm srry.


i feel horrible, normally me blog is SOOO up-to-date. i just haven't been caring enough. I'M BUSY NOW, OK?

updatez:
1. my room is still a complete wreck. it has been such since... like... before spring break. now that's just emberassing.
2. i'm my moms slave for one month, and then more later on, so that i can go to germany. i'm not complaining, i do feel i need to work for the money. it's legit. i just wish that i were allowed to sleep in on somedays instead of waking up at 8 or 6. during summer. oh well. it's worth it if i get to see annika and muesli again. and lisssa.
3. i offish have a plane ticket, so i'm totally legitly going to germany. w00t.
4. it's also official (official is my word of the day) that.... my sisters are insane. and so is the rest of my family. i mean, i'm cool with that, it's just like. they are totally. insane.
5. omygness.
6. UM MY TOP TEN FOR THE WEEK?

1. angel (acoustic) - jimi hendrix
2. see you soon - coldplay
3. somewhere a clock is ticking - snow patrol
4. put her in your pocket - the white stripes
5. fix you - coldplay
6. ein kompliment - sportsfreunde stiller
7. east of eden - babyshambles
8. music when the lights go out - the libertines
9. be gentle with me - the boy least likely to
10. commissioning a symphony in C - cake


GOOD STUFF.

runner up: macarthurs park by richard harris, and a man, me, then jim by rilo kiley.



sigh. i miss me luuufi. we were such good friends. wtf am i talking about, we still are such good friends.
nervous giggle....
haha...ha.

annika called me yeserday and ludwig called me today. it was bittersweet.
maybe more like. BITTERsweet.

i'm not ready for them to leave.

more pictures?

shoishfgoihsq

tristan + isolde makes me so sad. and i'm happy, but i'm sad. i hate being 18. i hate getting old. but i'm so ready to leave. and i'm afraid i won't get into college, and i won't find anyone who likes me, and i'll spend the rest of my days eating and getting fatter until i die, alone, on the floor, being eaten by wild dogs.
i wish i had the will to clean my room. or do anything other than watching sad romances and eating chocolates and brownies and wishing it were my tormented love on the screen. all of my friends have either had boyfriends or do have boyfriends. i hate being fat.
i wish i were irish. i've got the looks, just not the accent or the heritage.
i don't think i get to visit my friends in germany this summer either.
i hate this.
aye me.

omgfzzzz

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M MOTHER EFFING 18 YEARS OLD.


i haven't decided if i feel different or not. hum.

i'm so confused.
i'll be 18 in a couple of weeks, and i feel like i'm just starting to rebuild my life. it's so complicated, i don't really know where to start. all of my friends are dating, which is awesome for them and i'm so glad that they are happy, but it's awkward and lonely for me.
i talked to my mom/argued with her tonight about how ungiving i am and about how negative she is towards me and i feel like she didn't take in anything i said. i also keep on getting depressed, even though i shouldn't.
i'm also becoming completely irrational. watching sad romantic movies alone. taking a lot of pictures.
college is so scary for me. i dread the application process and getting rejected-- my dad hasn't helped at all. my transcript is not too much to boast about, i wish colleges had a way of knowing me for what i am-- how other students apply for glory and i apply in true interest of their programs. like, when i say i want to go here because i want to learn more about the topic and i find it interesting, i mean it. whereas so many others just want to get in to make their parents happy.
i wish i were better at saying thank you. i'm horrible at showing thanks. i haven't always been like this. pigeon-toed and cold.

so i'm fat...

anyway, it's been a while. i've been horrible lately, with everything. i haven't been updating my journal or blog in a while. probably because i just don't have the energy anymore. school is wearing, and it's difficult to find the balance in my life between school, friends, family, and church. it's really intense, this part of the year. i have exams next week, then spring break (in florida, with annika!) and then i come back to a load of projects and tests and then AP testing. and then ring day and such. it all sounds really easy to get through, like, "oh yeah, if you just push through it you can make it!!!" but there are so many small things-- applications, deadlines, forms, submissions, etc. that you have to remember, and it takes up a lot of my brain space.
on the bright side, i'm turning 18 soon.
yay.



and now to post all the amazing text messages from jason. because my inbox needs to be emptied.


Please tell that to the women on your text messaging list next time. thanks for playing! unce. (i'm pretty sure that i was talking about some hot boy or something.)
confused and warm. just how i like my julias.
i don't hate you, never have. in fact, the only thing i would change about you if i could would be your inclination to think i've ever hated you. turn it up to 350 so i can put the rolls in, thanks!
move that topiary!!!
thanks :) fire it up to hotness! i need a roast at table 27 pronto!
zzzinger!!!! oh man. you just tickled my laughables.
yeah, you probably should have told me that when you think you should have. it might have been funny then. zing. goodnight, dallas (i told him some comeback that i had thought of like, a day too late)
Mrs. Sassstove
nice tony alamo space, stovey!
4 new pairs of patagonia boxers i rule!!!
aziz, light!!!

(i would just like to point out how often he uses !!! exclamation points. oh sorry. i meant 3 exclamation points. love that.)

my mom thinks i'm a robot that can work until the end of time...

alright. so this weekend = four day weekend. that's cool. what's not cool is the following:
1. research paper
2. mom waking me up at 650 monday morning (last day of our mini break) asking me to help her for "a little while" aka all day
3. said mom not letting me hang out with my friends during the whole "mini break"
4. chocolate covered strawberries that aren't for me
5. caroline is my only valentine and i'm sad because i hate valentines day. but i love caroline.
6. i don't want to write the paper
7. i really want to hang out with my friends tonight and i'm worried my mom will be like "no. you're not."

so i'm exhausted. and it's only 1015 which is sick because everyone else is still asleep. and it feels like one. but it's ten. and that is just wrong on so many different levels.

my stripper name is ophelia

get jealous.


also. my room is getting messy again, and this is making me sad.



wah wah.

trouble letting go.

well once i gather my superhero costume i'll be there. annie.
julia. i is bored... why are you sad? caroline.
bored. no family for embarrassment though. if only i could visit you for free. chachi.
awwww julia! well if it makes you feel better im stuck at my ranch with nothing to do but watch football and nothing to eat... and i'll beat colin up for you! caroline. don't remember what she was referring to. maybe he was late again.
no he is an asshole. katie. on her father.
so you were drunk! i suspected that all along. why else would you go after spoons and masticate in marg's ear. drunk, by heavens, drunk! serge. i don't know what he was talking about.
anytime babe. william. on if i ever need help.
you are missing hunks of the day... wass made it special for you. katie.
i need to get presents still... julia, you win. antoinette.
yay for letters! i asked for the internet but i ask for that every year so we'll see... chachi.
school is always a biatch. but are you ok? chachi.
i'm pretty sure i know exactly what thats like. food is just way too awesome. chachi.
go to bed. colin.
sweet i'll check on those on lime wire. ah yay for illegal music piracy... note the time i wrote this. hm no sleep not good. ttyl. ludwig. 1:37am
juliasausage! nick.
i am a legend! you are nothing! nick.
you are a whore and i think you are going to hell. katie. about not being invited to narnia. she was serious too! that's funny to read over again.
none. i am not wearing a belt! however, i cannot say the same about thine mother! nick.
i'm doubting your commitment to sparkle motion! caroline.
woah you shouldn't stay up that late. yeah i am fine any time but tomorrow would be good. L. Ludwig. 2:18am
blake has the longest eyelashes. antoinette.
do you know whose bones are on display here? my bones. your bones. bones' bones. bone bone bone. edisnoom ot emoclew. nick.
BALLSACK! i fly out tomorrow. allie.
waky waky. colin.
oh baxter, you are my little gentleman. i will take you to foggy london town. margaret.
i haven't heard from you in a while, everything ok? btw, i just reread your letter you wrote to me. we should go to nasher sometime soon. colin. finally.
stephen colbert just made my day. margaret.
that dying guy is a jerkq. nick. q.
same... so same. antoinette. on wanting enrique's babies... and body.

homework among other things. research paper is getting hit into high gear. winter formal is on saturday. my room is clean. and i'm lonlier than ever.
:

hallapazoo

ok i'm torn about graduating. let's put it this way-- i love my family to death. i am comfortable here, with them. i love my parents and i love hanging out with them. i'm always afraid that one of my family members will die. vs. i am so sick of high school. i just want to graduate. sometimes i wake up feeling like i really just want to get out of here, get a car, and go to college-- independence. other times i wake up and am like... i never want to leave. i just don't know.
and i don't graduate for another year! but everything is passing by so quickly.

my head hurts and i don't want to go to the endocronologyst or however you spell it. i hate getting my blood taken. especially for tests. who knows what will come up.

thank heavens the rest of the school day is toned down. i so do not feel like doing anything. with the junior research paper coming up. i am so exhausted. i also have to save up a good 120 dollars for all the rest of the wf stuff. AHHH.

in other news, my mom went with me (more like i dragged her along) last night to the mall and i bought my winter formal dress at betsy johnson. it's totally rock n' roll funky kind of 80's dress-- something i never thought my mom would pick out. i thought i would go glam this year but mary says that i could do that anytime.

leaving.

ROOOOAAADD TRIIIIIPPP

So This is the New Year

i know i am horrible at posting.
i'm in missouri and it is roughly 1230 of the new year. this trip was pretty fun, i was supposed to be in dallas for the new year but i guess i didn't make it. it was actually the most depressing new year i've ever had. i sat in the corner (dark because my sisters are sleeping) playing jewel and drinking martinelli. no one was awake. no one's awake. i looked out the window to stare at the "kum and go" gas station sign and look at fireworks fifty miles away. then i listened to "the new year" by death cab. and then i listend to songs by alanthebox.
i have gotten so fat on this trip. all we've done is eat. i've listened to stories, taken pictures, stared at peeling wallpaper, and listened to music. i haven't thought about school, i am numb about missing my friends. it's sort of a weird feeling, like i'm frozen in a time zone thirty years ago only the music isn't as bad. i forgot how indian my grandpa is, it's strange. he is so amazing at telling stories, i'm afraid that he will die and i'll never be able to share that memory with anyone else. so many different things have been said i wish i could've written them all down.
i have decided that i am unidentifiable between my friends and family. my friends have no idea what i'm like with my family or even what my extended family is like. i'm starting to doubt if they really know me at all. i'm just opposites and insides outs and whosits and i have no idea. who even came up with the idea of a self-identity? i think it's stupid.
i realized on this trip that most gay people say "that's gay" because that phrase actually, i found out from one, reverts back to the thirties and became a popular way of saying that something is stupid. it's not even slightly referring to the culture or sub-genre. it's like me saying, "isn't that queer?" i'm not referring to the gay population, i'm referring to something as strange or odd. before you know it, saying "that's queer!" will become an insult. i'm so sick of being overly politically correct. i'm alright with people calling me cracker!!!
i miss the days of waking up and not caring, i'm afraid they're gone forever.
when school starts again, hell starts with it. i'm not nearly rested enough to start either.
i'll be seeing you.