i don't know why i feel like posting suddenly. why, lately, i have written more and more increasingly. i guess it's because i have a lot on my mind, and if i keep it inside me, it becomes dangerous. as i learned roughly two years ago.
WOW does time move quickly. i remember when i was younger around christmastime, it seemed to drag on. and on. and on. the days moved like years to me and i simply couldn't wait to get my presents from santa. and now, days move like minutes. though summertime is hot and slow and the hazy days all seem to blend together, they somehow all just sort of lump into this one time frame, and it all passes fairly quickly. it's august already, and towards the end of the month i'll be starting my senior year of highschool. i remember almost thirteen years ago when i was walked up to my first kindergarten class, following the red foot steps trail to the front door. though those have been torn down now for newer greater architecture, i still feel nostalgic thinking about it. i just don't know how i got here so quickly. and growing up occurs so fast as well. it seems like in the blink of an eye i went from awkward and incapable to talking with boys to awkward and wanting to be friends with lots of boys. but now i seem to use my awkwardness as a sort of shield and identity. i act awkward, but i rarely am awkward. i find myself uncomfortable in very few instances, and i like it that way because it allows me to be more flexible with life. i tend to meet a lot of very interesting people because i'm simply not afraid to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger.

that aside, i read my sisters blog about her healing process over the past two years. i went back and read a couple of the posts from october of 2001 and was surprised. i forgot how poetic her entries used to be- there was such a burn, there was such a fire in her. to become an author, to do something with her life, to smear her ideas and images all across the world. and somewhere inbetween there and now it died. i know that living at home had a majority to do with it. there is no privacy here, really, and everyone is so incredibely observant and critical. with babystitting and the need to make money, etc. there isn't much time for her to do the things she really loves-- scrapbook, create journals, write, take pictures, etc. i realized that i haven't really had a burn or desire to do photography since. well... since oxford. it just sort of faded once last school year started, and i haven't had the drive again. in a long time. and i miss it. because i feel like i was once really hip. once i really thought of myself as artistic, and i painted and sketched and did ceramics and took so many photos. and now i'm just sort of this lump. summer doesn't help. i'm lazier than ever, i drag myself out of bed in the mornings and collapse into bed at night. in the mornings i have to help my mom cook and stuff, so i'm left with a huge chunk of time just to think. which is normally a good thing, but it seems that lately, that thinking time is just used up to mentally beat myself up. with memories from germany, about my weight, etc. i rode my bike for a while today, and it felt pretty good when i got home. it didn't feel good after i ate a whole bag of cookies tonight, but when i had stretched and done some crunches, i felt good about myself. for a little bit. and then i realized that i have no impulse control, and remembered that it probably wouldn't last.

and for whatever reason, i feel like the odd one out of the family right now. everyone seems to be getting along with eachother, except me. jordans obsessive rituals though, her constant name calling and kissing the dog and all that drive me absolutely insane. not to mention zack off his medication is like. hell on earth. the incessent screaming just drives me up the wall. margaret seems off her rocker to me, and seems to be fluctuating from happy to really snappy very quickly. and mary is about to move and couldn't care less about my emotional well being or wherever this "attitude" is from. and when i was looking at the college website from our school, i realized that there are places all around the world i could go to college in. europe, asia, etc. so i looked into it. i thought of hong kong but realized that would be TOO much of a change, so i focused mostly on europe. i thought about germany for a long while, but then i just saw myself in a couple of years, with few friends and my weekends being taken up with wanting to visit old friends from school, but them having moved on to different places, etc. which would be awful and i'd feel so stupid, so i totally ruled that out. i thought of rome and again with the lonely thing. so i focused primarily on france and england. paris would be a dream, as would london. but for some reason, when i brought this up, everyone started taunting me and posing it like i was doing this just to be close to my friends in germany. which was embarrasing and made me ashamed i even brought it up. all i could focus on was the lightbulb above the table and the fork near my plate and i didn't want them too but the tears started pouring down my face. and there is something to be said about the way mary can see where justice is deserved. and i know i'll miss that. i'll miss having her there to back me up when the family gangs up on me. i don't know what i'll do about that. these next couple of months are going to be horribly stressful for me, and i don't think i'm emotionally ready yet for this huge change. i'm going to a different church now, mary will be in college, i'm applying for college, doing fencing, and SAT prep courses, and i just don't know how well i'll handle it all. to top it all of, ludwig got back from bavaria, and never even wrote me hello, so now i just feel even more stupid and more alone and. blech.
i kind of want to run away for a while, just go somewhere and visit people i haven't seen in such a long time, but i know this is impossible. with the large amounts of appointments and commitments i already have set up, there is no way i can break away for just a little bit. i feel like a hollow easter bunny except without the sweet layering. and it's just an awful feeling and i wish i knew how to stop this sadness but i don't.