wow

all of my friends packed up and left for san diego today (i am not included in this adventure. it's complicated) i'm surprisingly indifferent and glad i'm not going.
so today i had to go to the dentist office because i'm getting surgery to have my teeth implanted. it was scary. the giant titanium screws that will be drilled into my gums, and later on, the gumline that will be LASERED AWAY sounds really painful and i'm not very excited for this to happen. however, it's happening. and sooner than i expected.

mary and mom are coming home today, i haven't seen my mom in like three weeks, but i only see her for a day and a half before she leaves with my dad for an adult family reunion.

i'm still confused and lonely. it's really confusing. i have so much stuff to do, so many appointments and checking to make sure things don't conflict. and i'm worried about college applications and getting rejected. because i hate rejection, and i fear the looks on my parents faces when they see where i get rejected from.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

18 is kind of a confusing time. because you really aren't a kid anymore, but no one really views you as an adult either. but then i see some 18 year olds, like miss universe, who are like. drop dead gorgeous. and then i see myself and i'm like... gross. what is this? why do you insist upon eating so much and doing so little? i don't know.

what i do know is that i want to make a movie. i want to take pictures. i want to live in europe. i want to build something. i want to make a song. i want to kiss again. i really miss that. that was fun. i want to cook something. i want to explore.
i wonder how differently i must come across to people. i mean, i know what i'm like to me, but what do i look like and how do i come off to other people? do i seem desperate? do i seem needy? too loud? nosey? i don't know. do i come off as adventurous and childlike as i feel? do i come off innocent? or do i come of as sexual? i don't know. it's really weird when i lie down and think about it for long periods of time.

you know what's also weird?

the fact that a week ago at this very hour (only 7 hours ahead in german time) i was lying down in annikas backyard, cuddling between caroline and antoinette and looking up at the most amazing night sky i've ever seen. and i felt so comfortable and so content, and as i said then, it looked like the sky had serane wrap (spelling?) spread over it and someone had sprinkled glowing salt all over it. it was incredible, it really was. it was so vibrant and there were just so many stars. and to think that was just one week ago. how much can change in a week.

you know, that's another thing. so much can change in such a short amount of time. in a minute. in a second. someone can die. someones life can change. marriage. babies. death. jobs. new opportunities. tragedy. it's hard to explain. it's just weird that, while i can go a full day lying around on the couch seemingly doing nothing, thousands of peoples lives are changing. in incredible ways. i mean, just one week ago i was in germany. two weeks ago i was at ludwigs house. we were talking and partying and who knows what else. and now i'm sitting in my house. and there is no breeze outside. and the days seem filled with stiffled boring air that doesn't move or intrigue or inspire. and someties i just lie there, on grass, on a bed, on a couch, staring up at the white ceiling, or the sky, or the window. and just staring. and wondering. and thinking. and going over memory after memory after memory, wanting to relive moments and change others, wanting to see people, and go certain places. wanting to be the person i've always imagined myself being, but couldn't because of the lack of resources and money and time.
time time time. don't even get me started with time. it runs out so quickly and before you know it moments are over. years are over. childhood is over. lives are over.