ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i've got so much on my mind it's insane.

i'm back in america and i'm so. hallow. i'm so scared about the upcoming schoolyear and all the requirements that come along with it. it's senior year and no one has signed me up for an SAT review and i feel like my parents don't even realize what i still have left to do. i have the SAT and the ACT and i don't want to do either. i'm so scared about college applications and if i'll come across the way i really am and if colleges will accept me and what college i'm going to and all of that.

not to mention the fact that i am so emotionally confused right now. i. have no bike to ride anywhere. it's hot and the people are fake and all dress up too much. everyone is injected with plastic or some synthetic and clothes and make up hide true personalities. teenagers are obsessed with boring things that don't require any thinking or intellect. i have no more ludwig to have deep late night discussions with, i have no cool castles to climb to or parks i can have picnics in. there isn't a train station nearby where i can just get on and visit a city filled with more history than my state is. it's horrible and i just want to go back. not to mention i don't know how long it will be until i see these people again. i would love nothing more than to visit all of my friends in germany in christmastime, when it's snowing and beautiful and even more memorable than the summer but i think my parents would rather me stop talking about my feelings and/ or germany. i just love it so much, i really do, and i keep on getting made fun of for it. my family sees nothing redeeming in the food there, nor do they find anything about the country very fascinating. a couple of days ago i went out and bought a book to teach myself german. i'm on chapter three. progress is mediocre.
that doesn't change the fact that i'm so depressed though. the time difference doesn't help either. whenever lisa, charlotte, fabian, or annika are on, i'm asleep or at lunch or something. and ludwig is in who-knows-where bavaria and i don't know if he'll ever be on the internet again. so all contact seems virtually shut off.
just to add on top of ALL OF THIS... i have nothing left to look forward to this summer, i haven't seen any of my friends since i got back, and they're all leaving for san diego in a couple of days.
i just need a hug from charlotte or ludwig or even FABIAN or annika or lisa but they are all more than 5,800 miles away. and that is MORE THAN AWFUL. and not knowing when i'll see them again makes it even MORE worse, because i've got nothing to look forward to, it's not sure.
so i'm stuck staying my sisters room which is full of moths that don't seem to die, which just leaves me full of fear that i'll inhale/ swallow some while i'm sleeping so i can't seem to fall asleep out of paranoia. i also keep on watching the life aquatic with steve zissou which makes me cry at the end everytime and i'm not sure why, i don't know if it's because he has to overcome the thing that killed his best friend, or because he's lost the boy he viewed as a son or if it's because everyone at the end just sort of touches him out of comfort and i'm jealous that i don't have that sort of comfort right now or what. i don't know what it is for sure but sigur ros mixed with that ending and klaus + the little german boy just doesn't help .

and so here i am, awkward and 18 freaking years old and more confused about life than i ever thought i'd be, and hoping that somehow everything will fix itself even though i know it can't and won't and hoping that all the moths in this room will somehow be obliterated and mourning my loss of germany and wishing that i was just awkwardly sitting in a restaurant with ludwig and fabian on the night of the world cup when everything seemed to glimmer with hope and anticipation and nervousness.