oh... pain.

ok...
sooo....

two days in a row now and i've talked to annika. and it's SO bittersweet. i mean, she's back in germany and i'm so excited to hear from her, and to plan my trip to germany, but i'm also so nervous about what the future holds. when i'll see her again and what will happen.
i'm also really depressed now that ludwig is gone from the US completely now. when he was in boston etc. he was far away, but not too far, and fairly easy to stay in contact with.
i just talked to him yesterday, but i don't know if his plane got in alright and i miss hearing from him. i got used to the nice thoughtful sweet text messages, and they have ceased completely. it's totally depressing me. i. don't know.

don't get me wrong. i couldn't be more excited for germany. however, i'm worried about what happens after that? what happens after two blissful weeks? i won't see these people again in who knows how long. what will happen? what will i miss? i will crave their hugs and their kind words and i will get so upset. the hallways of school won't be the same, and the flood of uniforms at our brother school will be eagerly searched for a tall german who is no longer there.

it's so horrible i can't even describe it. when the phone rings i have to force myself to not rush to it, and when a local area code shows up i get sad. i check any and all sources of communication in the hopes of just hearing from them, knowing that there ok and alive and maybe thinking of me from time to time. there's a strain in my heart and my body aches every night and every morning. it's a complicated feeling to describe, but i think it's heartbreak. and it really hurts.

everything in the city has some sort of memory attached to it. if not directly, it reminds me of something and indirectly has a memory attached to it. every starbucks, the malls, the movies, so many songs, my car, my school, jamba juice, lakes, houses. streets. everything has a certain memory or string of memories with it, and it's aweful. i hate bringing it up so often around my friends because i know their tired of hearing about it, but it's one of the most difficult hurdles i've ever had to jump in my life. i didn't expect the pain and anxiety to last this long or be this intense, but i have surprised myself yet again.

to top it off, i never get to see my friends. if i want to hang out i'm reminded of germany, and if i want to save up for it or not, so i can't even go talk to friends and get consolation from them. i miss seeing them, some of them i haven't seen at all this month.

for all of them, but most specifically ludwig, i have developed a special place in my heart for these people, and a certain connection. me and him were so similar, and it was strange, the feeling that we'd known each other forever. i really did grow to love him dearly, and having him leave is like having a part of my heart ripped out.

annika and i went to florida together and shared a full week of vacation with my family. it's so hard not having her here, hugging me when i need it, or talking or just being crazy. making cards and cooking and doing dumb stuff. when i need to call someone to talk, i pick up my phone and scroll through and pass by names and numbers that will never be activated again.

it is a frustrating and depressing time for me, and i just seem to work and work for nothing. i haven't received a reward for my work in such a long time and i often feel like most of the work i do is overlooked.

there isn't that much else to say. obviously i have a lot in my mind and am very emotional.
i just. i wish they were coming back. and it's so hard on my heart to imagine they won't.