So This is the New Year

i know i am horrible at posting.
i'm in missouri and it is roughly 1230 of the new year. this trip was pretty fun, i was supposed to be in dallas for the new year but i guess i didn't make it. it was actually the most depressing new year i've ever had. i sat in the corner (dark because my sisters are sleeping) playing jewel and drinking martinelli. no one was awake. no one's awake. i looked out the window to stare at the "kum and go" gas station sign and look at fireworks fifty miles away. then i listened to "the new year" by death cab. and then i listend to songs by alanthebox.
i have gotten so fat on this trip. all we've done is eat. i've listened to stories, taken pictures, stared at peeling wallpaper, and listened to music. i haven't thought about school, i am numb about missing my friends. it's sort of a weird feeling, like i'm frozen in a time zone thirty years ago only the music isn't as bad. i forgot how indian my grandpa is, it's strange. he is so amazing at telling stories, i'm afraid that he will die and i'll never be able to share that memory with anyone else. so many different things have been said i wish i could've written them all down.
i have decided that i am unidentifiable between my friends and family. my friends have no idea what i'm like with my family or even what my extended family is like. i'm starting to doubt if they really know me at all. i'm just opposites and insides outs and whosits and i have no idea. who even came up with the idea of a self-identity? i think it's stupid.
i realized on this trip that most gay people say "that's gay" because that phrase actually, i found out from one, reverts back to the thirties and became a popular way of saying that something is stupid. it's not even slightly referring to the culture or sub-genre. it's like me saying, "isn't that queer?" i'm not referring to the gay population, i'm referring to something as strange or odd. before you know it, saying "that's queer!" will become an insult. i'm so sick of being overly politically correct. i'm alright with people calling me cracker!!!
i miss the days of waking up and not caring, i'm afraid they're gone forever.
when school starts again, hell starts with it. i'm not nearly rested enough to start either.
i'll be seeing you.