Reconnecting

My sleep schedule for about three weeks now has been completely decimated. I never know when i'll fall asleep and i never know when i'll get up but whenever those two events occur i am tired and drained and feel disjointed, disconnected, utterly out of it. i sit and stay in my room, in my bed, and i write things or read things, i find new music, i delete old files, i contemplate and grow quiet. but motivation never comes, motivation to go and do and see and be among people and taste new things and try and change.
so last night after pulling the covers up to my chin and staring at that halo light above my head for an hour, after putting on my sleep mix and waiting for thirty minutes for the steady beat to lull me to sleep, i decided enough was enough. i sat up, grabbed my computer, and chose to not sleep.
around five thirty i decided to take an adderall to help keep me awake and focused through the day, to last long enough so that i can finally fall asleep and wake up at a normal time.
and then i decided i needed to drive. if there's one thing i hate about driving around here is that the lights are so plentiful that you can never really turn up the music and cruise because you always have to stop and turn down the music respectfully otherwise whole bodies turn and they stare and stare because you're doing something different and you're disrupting the peace and gosh who do you even think you are?
so i found myself fully dressed for ballet class at 540, driving down open roads, unchanging lights, and darkness. i turned to the thermals, who just make me want to bend over and stomp my foot and scream out words about everything, just raw raw raw. so i did, i turned it up as loud as i could get it and i drove with the windows down and let the cold get to me and just sang my heart out. and it was the best idea i ever had because finally, finally, finally i felt like myself again. it was one of those moments where you see this other part of you, this part of you you haven't felt or seen in so long you forgot it was even there, and all of a sudden it just attaches itself to you, like a glowing puzzle piece, and you don't feel as lost or out of order anymore, life feels good again and you feel like you can conquer the world.
so i went to ballet, and i danced and bent my body and arms and felt ethereal even though i don't have the body of a ballerina, and even through the exhaustion and the baggy eyes i felt light. 
it was great.