what the heck is my life.

i'm going to go out on a limb here and say very few people actually check this blog. so most of what i say is to remind myself of past mistakes, and to track how far i've come. for example, reading entries from, say, 2005, i feel like i've come pretty far, both in social eloquence and in controlling my emotions (at least publicly).
i don't have the hardest life, by any means, but dealing with an overwhelming depression that seeps through me in the winter time is something that makes everything in life ten times more difficult than it should be.
that being said, not only was i denied from my major, but my study abroad was cancelled. after a lot of tears in anger and frustration, i think it's been decided that i won't be going on a study abroad this fall. i'm angry about it, incredibly angry about it, but at least i'll be getting some classes out of the way and i'll be one semester closer to graduating.
i talked to my parents on skype tonight and it was extremely difficult. partially because i could see their faces and i knew they could see how overwhelmingly hideous mine was (tears). it was hard to realize how much i've been internalizing this whole time. my dad just kept pointing out how happy and bubbly i was in high school and wanted to know what happened. to be honest, i think it could be a slew of different things, but in a lot of ways i've been jaded. it's not something i necessarily like about myself. i've developed into somebody who is very shut off, isolated, quick to judge, and non trusting. i don't socialize anymore, i don't go out of my way to introduce myself or drive all over town with a car full of friends looking for something to do. i don't try and get to know people, i don't even attempt to excel in school. who knows. i've been rejected more in college than any other time in my life. i've felt more judged, misunderstood, and mistreated in a lot of ways.
there are some things i like about utah that i know i'll miss. the snow can be pretty, and it's interesting being around so many people who are of the same faith i grew up in. blah blah blah. but i feel stunted here. i'm sure i'll miss some things about college when i graduate but for now... for now i just want to move out. get a job, be with family.
anyway, now i just feel guilty for making my mom so sad.
i just want to go home.