I've realized something just now. I've known for the past 6 months or so that i have control issues. Fear of flying is a perfect example of that; its a situation i can't control. I'm not flying the plane, I can't control who is flying the plane, all i control is the destination. I'm not sure where my issues with control stemmed from, but i certainly know they exist.
And if there is something i hate, its when i come head to head with another control freak. Anyone with OCD or some sort of controlling disorder I just can't get along well with. Jordan and I have just had to come to terms with it and we have our bouts, pretty much every day, but we both know that the other is just really crazy and move on with it.
I don't like someone telling me what to do. Every fibre in my being gets really mad when someone tries to tell me what to do. I suppose i should probably work on this. I mean, i definitely won't be able to be in control of everyone my entire life. and i could lose a lot of people that way.
Anyway, on a different note, this week has been all about feel good movies. Aquamarine (guilty pleasure...) with jordan. Contact (starz instant play). and... Charlie St-Cloud. this movie... was just so good. Not only was Zach Efron a total babe, but i really enjoyed the message of the movie, and I really liked the almost dark side that there was to it. There wasn't so much fluff that you were like, "oh man, this is annoying and way to feel-good." It was well balanced. I enjoyed it a lot.
Other than that, I've got a lot on my mind. It feels like if anyone tries to tip me over the edge i just explode and get really emotional. I can cry at the drop of a pin. Knowing i probably won't be able to go to Kelsey's wedding, dealing with my parents pay cut, constantly being on edge about going back to school, dealing with marriage obsessed crazies. I try to explain this to my father but he really doesn't get it. I think in his mind, everyone that goes to BYU is super happy-go-lucky, really nice and family oriented with good morals. But that really isn't the case. Those people do exist, but they can also be, and usually are, extremely flakey, cheap, and very narrow-minded.
A big part of me would just love to transfer out. And if i'm still unhappy by the end of the year, i will. i'll go to SMU or BU or the New School or the American University of Paris or something. But i don't know if i'll be able to remain sane and intact if i continue living in utah. i guess we'll just have to see where the future takes us.
Anyway. that's all for now. I'm too exhausted to say much more.
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