a visit from a friend

well this weekend went by insanely fast. antoinette has somehow already come and gone! it was so wonderful. we didn't get everything we wanted accomplished, but we got much of it done. the first night she was there, we had dinner with morning, ryan, cait, justin, jacob m., and sydni. it was a delicious meal (how could it not at india palace?) afterwards, morning, antoinette, and i got dessert at this place. we all ate at laughed and then antoinette and i retired. the next day, (did i mention when she was here i missed virtually all my classes?) we got up and began our roadtrip.
had breakfast at ihop. it was delicious. we literally sang our way to vegas (i had six mixes created for the road trip). there, we ate at el segundo sol or segundo del sol or something like that. we'd had it the last time we were in vegas and it was so. incredibly. delicious.
anyway, by the time we got to los angeles it was pretty late but we went out and did karaoke anyway. i won't go into all the details but the whole trip with her was such a blast, it really was. we got back and spent all monday going out, watching movies, eating delicious meals, and just sleeping.
it was hilarious because i haven't been able to sleep well all semester but with her sleeping in my bed i fell asleep instantly. literally. the next morning she'd be like "you fell asleep SO FAST." after asking her how she knew i was asleep she'd go, "i could hear your sleep breathing." so it was an ongoing joke after that. her presence alone would lull me to sleep, and my sleep breathing would lull her to sleep.
i need to get married.
so she came and today she left. the drive back was surprisingly lonely. i didn't think i'd be that sad with her gone but for some reason it was just difficult. i found myself flirting with waiters and introducing myself to people. i'm just myself when she's around. it's been so long since i felt comfortable in my environment. haven't felt judged or put out or whatever. whatever stupid thing.
so i was left contemplating the things i learned during our time together. i watched eat, pray, love. i know it's gotten it's criticisms and rightly so, but there are aspects to that movie that i really enjoy. for one it gives me travel fever like WHOA. it also makes me think about my relationships with people and how i want to live my life.
and i mean actually live my life, not just talk about how i'm going to live it and then do the same thing every day. so here are some things.
1. i can't just keep escaping. it's ok to have a movie marathon weekend or to lie in bed all day and eat chocolate, but just not every day. it's important to have something to work on, a social environment, so that you get out there and feel the weather and deal with people. because hiding away all the time will get you no where.
2. people don't make who you are, but certain people can bring out who you are. and it's important to remember that when they aren't around. and it's ok to miss people and it's ok to be alone, and it's ok to meet new people and it's ok for friendships to fall apart. it's the natural order of things. that's one thing i like about the movie. you can miss a person, you can love them. and if you miss them a lot, then send them some light and love and then let it go.
3. documenting time together with people is so important! i took tons of videos and pictures when antoinette and i hung out, and i only wish i had done more! going through the videos is so funny. i remember things i would have forgotten and some of the best moments are captured. i was also reminded that you should document your life in an interesting way. different mediums and formats, different films and cameras, stuff like that.
4. it's time for me to start saving up some money to go on a serious adventure. i'm talking jet setting from one exotic locale to the next. some people are afraid of traveling or they're afraid of settling down or something like that. but it's important to do those things you're afraid of, it really is. the unexpected could very well be the best thing that ever happened to you!
5. you should do what makes you happy. even if that means wearing a wolf shirt for four days straight and getting weird looks from people.
that's all i've got for now. here are some photos of our trip.

seriously what is up with my moon/ asian eyes?

the best pals. from japan. run the saloon/ karaoke bar. so wonderful.

this dog is so ashamed of the dress it's forced to be in.

did i mention it was snowing almost the whole road trip there? craziness.

You know what I'm weird about? When an event is coming up and I've been so excited for it I could burst and then when the moment comes where it's about to happen I get incredibly sad. It's like, I'm already preparing for saying goodbye and already miss the company or trip or whatever before it's even happened. Odd, huh? I wouldn't really recommend it, not a very healthy way to live.so yeah, I'm in einstein's (which is playing the jonsi album. Weird, huh?) eating and attempting to study but failing. ive cleaned tons and tons and slept very little and just tried to make everything perfect but I probably failed. I'll still have a midterm to take and an outline to write and stuff while Antoinette is here, which is kind of a bummer.
And tonight she and I will eat with the strangest group... Jacob m., Justin, cair, morning, Ryan, this girl justin likes, and maybe cait's husband. SO strange.
Better try and study.

Reconnecting

My sleep schedule for about three weeks now has been completely decimated. I never know when i'll fall asleep and i never know when i'll get up but whenever those two events occur i am tired and drained and feel disjointed, disconnected, utterly out of it. i sit and stay in my room, in my bed, and i write things or read things, i find new music, i delete old files, i contemplate and grow quiet. but motivation never comes, motivation to go and do and see and be among people and taste new things and try and change.
so last night after pulling the covers up to my chin and staring at that halo light above my head for an hour, after putting on my sleep mix and waiting for thirty minutes for the steady beat to lull me to sleep, i decided enough was enough. i sat up, grabbed my computer, and chose to not sleep.
around five thirty i decided to take an adderall to help keep me awake and focused through the day, to last long enough so that i can finally fall asleep and wake up at a normal time.
and then i decided i needed to drive. if there's one thing i hate about driving around here is that the lights are so plentiful that you can never really turn up the music and cruise because you always have to stop and turn down the music respectfully otherwise whole bodies turn and they stare and stare because you're doing something different and you're disrupting the peace and gosh who do you even think you are?
so i found myself fully dressed for ballet class at 540, driving down open roads, unchanging lights, and darkness. i turned to the thermals, who just make me want to bend over and stomp my foot and scream out words about everything, just raw raw raw. so i did, i turned it up as loud as i could get it and i drove with the windows down and let the cold get to me and just sang my heart out. and it was the best idea i ever had because finally, finally, finally i felt like myself again. it was one of those moments where you see this other part of you, this part of you you haven't felt or seen in so long you forgot it was even there, and all of a sudden it just attaches itself to you, like a glowing puzzle piece, and you don't feel as lost or out of order anymore, life feels good again and you feel like you can conquer the world.
so i went to ballet, and i danced and bent my body and arms and felt ethereal even though i don't have the body of a ballerina, and even through the exhaustion and the baggy eyes i felt light. 
it was great.

Poems

I'm not very vocal about this but i absolutely love poetry. I have lots of books for a college student, and many of them are books of poetry. Collections of various authors, books of neruda and billy collins, nothing too crazy, nothing that deems me super cool and edgy. but it's better than nothing. some of these books have poems that have brought me to tears, made me wonder about myself and the earth and the interactions between people and why and how we can be so flippant about so much beauty around us that it hurts me, it hurts me on a deep level.
so tonight i started poking through frank o'hara poems (thanks beastly). after reading having a coke with you i moved on and started reading more. then i found this poem and i loved it.


Animals
have you forgotten what we were like then
when we were still first rate
and the day came fat with an apple in its mouth

it's no use worrying about Time
but we did have a few tricks up our sleeves
and turned some sharp corners

the whole pasture looked like our meal
we didn't need speedometers
we could manage cocktails out of ice and water

i wouldn't want to be faster
or greener than now if you were with me O you
were the best of all my days

he doesn't often use punctuation and i love that! he has another poem you should look at that i love called a true account of talking to the sun at fire island. it's so great, it just makes you want to live better, you know? and then somehow i stumbled on this poem by Pierre Reverdy and it's called for the moment. i liked that one, too! and then i remembered this very small lecture that i just happened to attend with a friend last semester. a man named brian doyle, who lives in portland, came and talked with us and read to us. and i loved him. i really did, no joke. the way he read his writing is exactly how i read mine out loud to myself, i felt like he was one of those people i could sit at a restaurant and talk to for hours and hours and hours and absolutely never want it to end! what a rare gift. he read a piece i have yet to be able to track down, but i found this little mini-essay he wrote about getting fed up with his son. i'll only put a little bit of it on here:

Yes, he was picking on his brother, and yes, he had picked on his brother all morning, and yes, this was the culmination of many edgy incidents already, and no, he hadn’t paid the slightest attention to warnings and remonstrations and fulminations, and yes, he had been snide and supercilious all day, and yes, he had deliberately done exactly the thing he had specifically been warned not to do, for murky reasons, but still, I roared at him and grabbed him and terrified him and made him cower, and now there is a dark evil wriggle between us that makes me sit here with my hands over my face, ashamed to the bottom of my bones.

I do not know how sins can be forgiven. I grasp the concept, I admire the genius of the idea, I suspect it to be the seed of all real peace, I savor the Tutus and Gandhis who have the mad courage to live by it, but I do not understand how foul can be made fair. What is done cannot be undone, and my moment of rage in the hallway is an indelible scar on his heart and mine, and while my heart is a ragged old bag after nearly half a century of slings and stings, his is still new, eager, open, suggestible, innocent; he has committed only the small sins of a child, the halting first lies, the failed test paper hidden in the closet, the window broken in petulance, the stolen candy bar, the silent witness as a classmate is bullied, the insults flung like bitter knives.

it's just so passionate and beautiful and so full of feeling. i relate to it a lot. the writing style and voice i mean. not really the essay, although i have definitely felt this way before. 

i'm trying to figure out how on earth i'll be able to afford my roadtrip/ time with antoinette. i really can't see the amount of money i presently have helping me get very far. and my parents didn't seem too keen on the idea of giving me more. they seemed to like the idea of the money being taken out of what would be given to me for my birthday. ugh. i hate restrictions! 

anyway, at school, not always, but specifically this school year, i've had plenty of alone time. i used to absolutely detest being alone, i really did, it would put me in a panic. and now, i feel a little stressed if i don't have tons of time with myself. to unwind, look at the websites i want to, listening to whatever sad or moody music i want to, or justin bieber and lady gaga on repeat if i want. i like being able to stare off into space and daydream, constantly daydream, although i guess that's not fully healthy. i should be living more in the moment, and i will soon, very soon, but for now i'm going to get the last of the winter blues out of my system. 

it's that weird time of (school) year where the days are going by so quickly you almost can't keep track of the days, and the tests and expectations start piling up but finals still seem so far away. it's a weird sensation, but it always happens.
but as the day goes by, one day also continues to get closer. (yes my 23rd birthday shudder) but more IMPORTANTLY, the arrival of one Antoinette Day. Ahhhh I cannot wait! We're going to have so much fun i can hardly stand it. And pretty much all the work will have been turned in right before she gets here so i won't even be stressing about school (for the most part). we'll be road tripping, which means spirit journey and hopefully finding amazing wolf shirts or indian jewelry or some such treasure. maybe a trashy shot glass or something, one that harkens back to the kelsey and julia days (an i caught crabs in california shot glass was, indeed, purchased once upon a time).
we will also be having a pit stop in las vegas where perhaps we will eat at the delicious restaurant me, antoinette, tina, and alexa went to in october when i was in vegas last. that mexican food was delicious. we will also be stopping at any/ all "world's largest" monuments. maybe even a ghost town, depends on the time. and then we will get to LA where the beaches and weather are great. we'll go dancing, to beverly hills, santa monica, the works. anto has never been to los angeles (somehow) so it should be a good time. and then we'll hang around provo until she leaves.
my whole family (other than margaret) is in new york right now. bummer.

happy saint patricks day from j dawgs

today i spent seven hours working on two stupid sculptures for my sculpture class. i love the class, i do not love my inability to make actually cool things. hopefully my bronze sculpture will turn out well. that one i intend to gift to my father. i made it with him in mind. 

holy smokes in a little over a month i'll be on a plane to hawaii with my entire family. the thought just blew my mind with excitement.

alright. i'm going to go read vogue and pretend like i'm actually thin enough to look good in the outfits. 

and yes, i know what you're thinking, but the hot dog was cheap-as-free and i can only eat that way until antoinette visits because i'm trying to budget here. priorities, gotta have priorities. 

and YES i ate dinner at home tonight golly. 

i hate sleeping because i know i'll have to wake up and i hate the exhaustion of waking up.
i saw liquid bronze today, right before it was being poured into our sculptures. it looked so incredible, no pictures could do it justice. it was so hypnotizing, no joke, i just stared at it even though i'm pretty sure that's bad for your eyes.
i wish people looked outside their boxes every once and a while.

what a drag it is getting old.
-the rolling stones

today was one of those days where you have this assignment due and you don't want it to happen so badly that you just wish you could whither away or run away or something.
that being: the great french debate. a debate in purely french on the laïcité in france that became a law in 1905. i was for it. so we had to sit in front of the class for, oh, fifteen minutes and go back and forth about why we were right and they were wrong. but oh the relief, the sweet relief you feel when, having finished, you stand up, sit down with shaky legs, and realize you don't have to do that again ever. 
best feeling in the world.
i rewarded myself by doing nothing of importance for the rest of the day. not the best use of my time but my brain turned to mush afterwards. my sleep schedule has been ca-aaa-aaarazy. i've been absolutely incapable of falling asleep at a normal time (i blame netflix) and the past few days would find myself not being able to fall asleep until seven or eight am. on sunday i woke up at 8. PM. the weirdest feeling in the world.
i've been talking to myself more and more lately. a sure sign of my impending insanity. i just wish there were someone i could share all these reflections and feelings with. a natural human response to be sure, but i can't help but think back on the days when boys were attracted to me and asked me out to things, to dinners and dances. and that was at an all girl's school! how crazy is this life. i mean, i'm not stupid, i know i've gained weight in college. i'm not ignorant. i guess i don't seem to have a stellar personality so i can't fall back on that one. because here i don't really have a personality. and if i do, i sure don't like it. it will be interesting to see if people perceive me differently when antoinette comes to visit next week.
can you believe it?! NEXT WEEK. my best friend will be here, in utah, next week. i can hardly contain my excitement. we'll be going to LA for the weekend, and we'll be having so many adventures i can hardly stand it. and then maybe i'll introduce her to my friends. oh wait, what friends, i've either alienated them all, ceased to talk to them because of boy drama (can somebody say jacob and javier?) or they've just moved on into their own lives (melinda, kelsey, anyone who got married). but there's morning. and maybe i'll introduce her to the jacobs just for kicks, and maybe i'll introduce her to my classmates and such.
ugh, all i want to do is DANCE.
here's a photo from my library i found that i had forgotten about. it's from japan. july, 2007.

the deer are sacred and allowed to roam free, so they feel no qualms in presenting themselves to you.
i wish we could all be that way.

Virgin Suicides

What a day. What a week. What a month and what a school year.
Today was quite the day. Not in one of those ways where you did so much and you feel so accomplished. Or where you and your friends went out and you laughed really hard and had hands out the windows and life was good. Not those kinds of days. It was one of those druggy hazy kind of days where nothing feels real and you feel ambient, you feel all the moments happening around you slipping through your fingers and you don't see a point to anything around you, but it doesn't matter. You know, just like, whatever happens it just happens and it doesn't really bother you.
Anyway, so i woke up late today. I've been having a hard time sleeping lately and it's making me bloated and have red eyes so i feel even more like a druggy. Anyway, the point is I woke up late. I'm always sick in winter semester, chronically ill, you know what i mean? So I woke up and went and got a sandwich and ate it in the booth alone. I talked with Jordan, listened mostly, and watched the guy clean the floor and watched multiple obese women come in and order bagels with large amounts of cream cheese. Like, they asked for more than usual. I mean, Einstein's already puts a lot on, I can't imagine wanting any more on my bagel.
So I drive back home determined to get stuff done. After showering and shaving my legs and feeling pretty damn proud of myself, I went to my room in the hopes of getting some shakespeare reading done. Boy did i ever... not. I didn't. It's so thick, you know? I have to be in a shakespeare mood. So i decided to watch Hamlet. Which version? Why the 1948 version of course! With Laurence Olivier! I got about thirty minutes into it and couldn't handle it any longer. I picked up some things in my room. I talked with jordan and antoinette and my mom, all briefly, and then I sort of sat around and listened to music. And then I tried watching a bunch of movies but they didn't really work out.
So I ate Chinese food and decided to watch the Virgin Suicides. I did my research, and it seemed pretty solid, no unnecessary nudity or sexy time or gore or whatever so i said why not. I loved it. I loved so much about it.

it made me feel all dreamy and stuff. you know what i mean? it really made me want to lie all over the place. on the ground, on the grass, in a field. it made me love the mystery of being a girl. it made me not want to try so hard to impress boys (its not like i do anyway, but it made me want to attempt to be alluring). the soundtrack was great. air (the band not the substance) has always made me feel dreamy like that. And i'd always loved the song "playground love" so hearing it in all these dreamy circumstances was so wonderful. When it was over I just felt like ice cream. So i ate this delicious ice cream cone and laid down on my bed and listened to air and just thought about how much i like being a girl and how much i like sprawling and growing.
i like learning, just not in the conventional sense. i like meeting new people but i haven't been that way in a long time. i haven't been normal. going through all these photos (as i transfer them onto my new computer) of my past makes me realize i've become more introverted. i understand some of the reasons why, i won't share them, but some of the reasons are frustrating. like, depression. it sucks. i only have it when i'm here, really, but people think that's kind of phony. i can't help it. people here are either depressing because they're so good or depressing because they're trying so hard to not be good. you know? and it's so depressing to see, it really is.
and another thing this movie reminded me of was kissing. i watched Gone with the Wind about a week ago or so and loved it as i always have. it just never gets old. it's one of those great sweepingly romantic movies. but not romantic in the sense that the couple is so happy together, but romantic in the ideals and the way it's shot.

see? sweepingly romantic.
and this is where kissing comes into play. one of the best lines is in this movie. other than the famous, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn," is the better, "No, I don't think I'll kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how."
Very true, Rhett Butler, very true. Kissing is one of those things i've just always been fascinated with. Even as a kid I could see the difference between on-screen kissing in the forties, the eighties, and the present day. It's so interesting to see how it's changed. Let me see if i can find some examples.

from seattlepi.com

In the forties it was this sort of, face smashing thing, you know? it's like, their lips meet and then they just hold it there, forever, until the shot is over with. For me, at least, it never fulfills that urge you have when you're watching a movie in anticipation for the couple to kiss. It's always kind of a letdown. But it's also a trade-off because movies from this time are also some of my favorites, the forties and fifties, you know, you've got Gentleman Prefer Blondes, An Affair to Remember, Breakfast at Tiffany's (which is pushing it time-wise, i know), etc.

In the 80's you get crap like Ghost, or stuff from like, Risky Business or whatever. Pick any 80's movie you want. You get a lot of head moving. I'm guessing with some of the heavier stuff you'd get some intense tongue but I feel like french kissing really got big in the 90's. In the 80's there's always this head moving back and forth really fast kind of a kiss. I always laugh at these. It looks so goofy.

And then you get.... the french kiss. the ever mysterious and seductive french kiss. this, i'm pretty sure, is the most common kiss in movie's now. especially big in the 90's. personally i think the present method of kissing in movies is perfect. it always builds up well, and the guys always puts his hand around her neck (the best) etc. etc. Anyway, i think i've proved my point. Kissing is a fun past time, and it doesn't happen near often enough. Probably because I'm single but it's just such a shame to not be able to practice something I'm so good at. You know? Not like I'm bragging much here, it's not like i have much else going for me.
anyway, finished watching the Virgin Suicides (what a tangent) and then i decided to watch Dhoom: 2 BECAUSE IT'S ON NETFLIX?!? always a great movie. i love it. rhithik roshan give me a call any daaaaaay.
oh wait, he's married.
“I was about half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty... you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are.” -j.d. salinger
so that's all i've got, really. stay mysterious. if you're looking for some kissing tips, i came across this wonderful page that i completely agree with. 
http://www.topyaps.com/tag/french-kiss/

computer thing = finally figured out. after using the last macbook pro and then upgrading to the new one, i'm going to have to say, i'm not sensing much difference. other than the camera being updated and having facetime and all the updated ilife programs, it's not too different. but i'm not complaining. it's shiny and beautiful and i love how it types and having a keyboard light up is the coolest and most convenient thing ever.
so, antoinette arrives in two weeks. i have a HECK of a lot of stuff to do before she gets here. finish our roadtrip playlists, clean my room, pack, oh and then all the tests, make-up papers, a debate in french class, quizzes, etc. etc. etc. i think i might die. oh and all my sculpture assignments being due. EGAAAAA.
so this weekend i must catch up.
what else. jordan got dumped by her boyfriend rhett. i'm calling shenanigans right here! also, mary and mark broke up. that one is more frustrating and confusing. i sort of understand why he did it, its just so hard to see them be on the verge of engagement and then split up. he needs to find himself and all that, but i just can't bear the thought that he won't come back and realize that they are so perfect for each other and that my whole family loves him and he's so optimistic and positive and what she needs. they are intellectual matches for each other and they get along so well. i can't really imagine her with anyone else. so this is something we are all sorting through. mary is unbelievably distraught so i'm trying to decide if i should not get a job this summer so that i can visit her for a month or so or if i should take fall semester off and go live there or what. i'm not sure what to do. i just know that i want to be with her and i can't stand seeing her sad because she always knows what to do and she's always so calm and rational.
hawaii in t-44 days? omg it can't get here fast enough. well, that's all for now. i need my energy tomorrow because i'll be doing a lot of studying and organizing and chiseling and writing of letters etc. etc.

you know what i don't like? writers that are too flowery with their language to the point where it sounds unnatural. if you use big words in everyday situations, use them. but when you bend it to the point where you lose your voice in the hopes of sounding more intelligent, i'm annoyed.
school sucks. but whatever, that's the way it's been since before the dawn of civilization, you know? i'm here and i'm queer. or whatever. i'm ready for march to be over. oh wait it just started. antoinette will be here in.. 18 days? i wish i could be in new york with my family this weekend but i won't be.
i'm becoming a ballet fiend. after my one hour class is over i stay and to another one. i'm contemplating going to the monday/tuesday classes as well, meaning four days a week of ballet, for about one to two hours a a day. ahhh, what a dream! i love how i feel doing it. i love how graceful you feel and in control. and the way your body moves so fluidly. and i love my classmates! we've all gotten close and shared stories and our fears and i feel like i'm a kid in the ballet classes i should have taken long ago but never did. because of fear. which is so stupid, it makes me wonder how different my life would be if i wouldn't let fear get in the way.
i'm returning my computer tomorrow and getting the BRAND NEW macbook pro. it will be beautiful and will work at top speeds and i will name it something very clever and fitting.
i was at starbucks and a man in a trenchcoat near me and morning stared at me the entire time he was sitting there. not in a flattering way. but morning walked in after he left (she'd been on the phone) and was like "dude that guy was flat at staring at you the whole time." i'm aware. creepers always stare at me. not fun ones that are like 22 and in a fraternity, like 40 year old men still living with their mothers with weak jawlines and a fetish for the matrix.
i'm kind of catching up on my work for school but not really. it's impossible to convince myself to do work that has no REAL deadline, just a "turn it in as soon as you can" stamp on it. i'll do my best to convince myself otherwise.
watched blue crush, pumped for hawaii.
is there any other news? not that i can think of.

first of all. anne hathaway, failure host of the oscars, what was that dress that looked like a sea monster threw up some blue metallic tape thing.
second of all, mom and dad said i could go home this semester if i wanted to. since antoinette is coming to visit slash the semester is a little over half way done, i have a hard time convincing myself it's ok to go home. but if they had told me i could four days ago, i'd be withdrawn from my classes and out of here.
i think i found new housing. it's farther away from campus, though, which sucks.
i'm becoming increasingly more and more addicted to ice water with lots and lots of ice. its so good for the soul.
did the rowing machine at the gym. soreness.
want to go home.
bought groceries.
had dinner with morning.
watched gossip girl (wtf what was that ending. SUCH a tease).
took a shower.
hawaii = 55 days.
ugh, maybe i should've taken the parents offer... this semester is just so unsuccessful. i'm tired just thinking of all the things i have to get done. ugh.