I Want a Perfect Body, I Want to Have Control

I've realized something just now. I've known for the past 6 months or so that i have control issues. Fear of flying is a perfect example of that; its a situation i can't control. I'm not flying the plane, I can't control who is flying the plane, all i control is the destination. I'm not sure where my issues with control stemmed from, but i certainly know they exist.
And if there is something i hate, its when i come head to head with another control freak. Anyone with OCD or some sort of controlling disorder I just can't get along well with. Jordan and I have just had to come to terms with it and we have our bouts, pretty much every day, but we both know that the other is just really crazy and move on with it.
I don't like someone telling me what to do. Every fibre in my being gets really mad when someone tries to tell me what to do. I suppose i should probably work on this. I mean, i definitely won't be able to be in control of everyone my entire life. and i could lose a lot of people that way.
Anyway, on a different note, this week has been all about feel good movies. Aquamarine (guilty pleasure...) with jordan. Contact (starz instant play). and... Charlie St-Cloud. this movie... was just so good. Not only was Zach Efron a total babe, but i really enjoyed the message of the movie, and I really liked the almost dark side that there was to it. There wasn't so much fluff that you were like, "oh man, this is annoying and way to feel-good." It was well balanced. I enjoyed it a lot.
Other than that, I've got a lot on my mind. It feels like if anyone tries to tip me over the edge i just explode and get really emotional. I can cry at the drop of a pin. Knowing i probably won't be able to go to Kelsey's wedding, dealing with my parents pay cut, constantly being on edge about going back to school, dealing with marriage obsessed crazies. I try to explain this to my father but he really doesn't get it. I think in his mind, everyone that goes to BYU is super happy-go-lucky, really nice and family oriented with good morals. But that really isn't the case. Those people do exist, but they can also be, and usually are, extremely flakey, cheap, and very narrow-minded.
A big part of me would just love to transfer out. And if i'm still unhappy by the end of the year, i will. i'll go to SMU or BU or the New School or the American University of Paris or something. But i don't know if i'll be able to remain sane and intact if i continue living in utah. i guess we'll just have to see where the future takes us.
Anyway. that's all for now. I'm too exhausted to say much more.

BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!!
I'm exhausted. tomorrow jordan and i are doing a cleansing detox. it will be rough. i know its just one day, but its all wheat grass and broth and such stuff. we were going to do it today but we both woke up too late.
tonight jordan and i took videos of us singing (we're cool, guys...) and then margaret came in and we convinced her to stay and record some. but none of the recordings really worked out.
i'm well into atlas shrugged. well, past 100, which means i'm in it for the long haul. i don't just like this book... its consuming my every philosophy. i want to be Dagny. not only that, but i'm beginning to have less and less tolerance for weak or unsure girls. i mean, i know thats harsh, but that is also kind of the philosophy of ayn rand. objectivism, by nature, is pretty selfish.
anyway, i'm really tired. i want to read some more and we have to get up pretty early.

"The Good Times Are Over."

I'm fully aware that all around the world, universally, as a human race, we are struggling. people, loved ones, are dying, people are losing jobs, governments are getting more and more inefficient and corrupt, and fear is all around.
But here at home. boy. is it ever getting stressful. apparently the IRS is wanting a LOT of money from my parents a month, and my dad just got a huge pay cut. so what does this mean? mom is stressed. and when mom is stressed, everyone is stressed. add me reading atlas shrugged and i'm getting super paranoid about the future of not only my life and my family's life, but also my country's and my money's.
also, i really need a job this fall. like, really badly.
anyway, my mom is really fond of, every time we ask for something like to go out to eat or something, to respond with, "girls, no, the good times are over." for some reason this phrase drives me nuts. like, there is nothing positive or happy to look forward too. don't even try.
also, sprint sucks. if you ever need to get wireless, do not get anything from sprint. if they sell you a really crappy piece of merchandise that they built poorly, don't even try to get a refund or exchange it for a new one. you'll be rerouted to an insurance company and they will make you pay... and if they even do give you something, after you pay for it, it's refurbished, so its crappy again. WTF. its awful.
i was so frustrated after everything today, i went for a run in the rain. felt good. i'm exhausted, but in a good way.
tomorrow i'm doing a one day detox with the jillian mckeith diet. just one day of basically broth and vegetables. i'm excited to see how i feel by the end of the day, tomorrow.
i need a vacation from reality.

sunday sunday.... quite the weekend. friday night was an interesting night. it was caroline's 22nd birthday (but she was in dubai) and kelsey called me to tell me that she's engaged. which i wasn't surprised about at all, it was only a matter of time. the biggest suckfest, though, was that i won't be able to go to the wedding. hers is on the 18th of december, but i think i'm leaving town on the 16th of december. in which case, i would miss her wedding. so, to celebrate/ mourn, i went out with antoinette. we ended up at lizard lounge (only the hippest 18+ club in dallas. since club purgatory was shut down). there was a crazy expensive cover charge, and the DJ was from sweden. which means instant coolness. we ended up being out dancing until 3:15 in the morning. no one else came with us cause annie and anthony didn't feel like going to greeneville (where we were earlier) and ian had to "stay home because maggie [his dog] was sick." there was only one photo from the night:

careful. you may be blinded by coolness?

saturday we saw toy story 3 as a family. and... then i started feeling kind of sick and the next morning i felt even worse so i stayed home from church and attempted to nurse myself back to health. (still feel kind of gross).
now i am reading atlas shrugged. someone commented (since i made it my status on facebook) that it was "so shitty they couldn't read past the first page." i beg to differ. i think a lot of great works kind of start out a bit sluggish and you have to work your way into the intricacy of it. and then, once you've figured out the plots and characters, you can start to understand the beginning. the next read around, it isn't so boring anymore. and i didn't even think it was bad. from the first page on, it's like reading a roadmap of exactly what our country is dealing with right now. the strange feeling and need to, for some reason, put other countries above our own while our infrastructure crumbles. stuff like that. its great to read about competence and people that work hard for quality goods. since everything is cheapened now, and everyone hires friends, leading to horrible companies (and governments) that are run inefficiently.
its a must read for any intelligent person. in my opinion.
i go back to utah august 11th. CANNOT believe it. also, have to start eating healthy. i think i'm beginning to actually hear my liver crying.

Dog Days

Well we're at the peak of july here in Dallas, which means constant heat and humidity. But i'm not complaining too much, because i love being home. Even if everything is falling apart, we are alive and there are leaves on the trees.
I've found out some frustrating news, medically. I don't have all the answers so i'm not allowed to be relieved or frustrated yet, but not knowing is getting really frustrating. and the doctor's office gets a giant fail for not answering the phones reliably. Basically, this could be the answer to a lot of problems i've been having over a long span of time, or it could not, in which case i just fail all around.
Currently listening to: Dog Days are Over by Florence and the Machine. SO GOOD!
I had to make a frustrating decision recently. Antoinette turns 21 (finallllllyyy) in august. Since i was going to be in utah for summer term and come back august 13, i was set to be home until august 30th. but then i found out that my sister and her husband are going to graduate (and walk) in august, around the 13th or so, and my oldest sister mary and her gem of a boyfriend mark would be flying out, along with my younger siblings and my mom and my dad. so if i didn't go to this, i would be missing out on a lot of family time. but this would mean i couldn't go back home at the end of it. meaning, i would miss the roadtrip to notre dame and thus antoinette's excessively fun birthday. talk about dilemma!
but i had to make a decision and decision i did make. i decided that missing that much family time would just be unforgivable. i had to tell antoinette and her mom that i could not drive with her after all. which was a bummer.
but let me tell you what wasn't a bummer: girls night!!!
last friday, antoinette came over to my house to pick me up. she and i went to eat at blue goose (best quesadillas (with guac and beans) and tortillas. which are endless). so that was super yummy. then we drove down to her house and went to get our nails done. the ever glamorous courtney met us there and we all got pink berry and then get pedicures and manicures. afterwards, courtney went home to shower (since she had just been at the gym) and antoinette and i went to the grocery store (to buy cookie and ice cream supplies). after arriving at her house, we watched bridget jones' diary and courtney showed up. that movie gets better every time.
after that we went to eat a super good dinner at mango thai. this place has really good yellow curry, but even better sticky rice. after our super glamorous dinner (we definitely stayed past close) we went to samar's in downtown dallas for drinks and to chat. then we got back to antoinette's, made the cazookie (mmmm) and watched the saint. courtney fell asleep on the couch and didn't want to move so antoinette and i went back and slept in her room. for the record: i am obsessed with antoinette's bed. i would take it to college with me if i could.

this is what i wake up to every time i sleep over
i love antoinette's house. that dog has been around forever
and we always add more things to its head. i love it.

the next day we woke up bright and early at 1130 (or so. we went to bed at like 4). antoinette's dad was pounding the wall all the way to her door, which sure woke us up. me and anto and her family went to eat at taco diner (courtney disappeared to work out sometime in the morning. that's dedication). it was super good, as usual. then antoinette and i went to northpark, and spent way too much time and money that we didn't have. i waited at her house for someone to pick me up and was quickly immersed into a rather panicked environment. such is our family- chaos.

this was on the screen of antoinette's computer when we opened it the next morning.

outside at samar

and for the cuteness factor... röschti celebrates her first birthday
with cake jordan and i cooked.

a few days ago i went back to northpark to see inception. everyone is all abuzz with this movie, "was he in a dream, was he awake, etc. etc." personally, i think he was still in a dream at the end. but i have to admit it was so fun to watch. the whole time i was thinking, "wow, this is a movie that isn't shoving a message down my throat (avatar, ahem, michael moore ahem), is making me think, and is actually well done in all aspects." it was thrilling to watch because i didn't know what to expect and i was genuinely entertained. good all around.
other than that, i have recently, as in this very night, been emancipated. the final string that attached me to a wanna-be-would-be relationship that never happened was snapped off. and i felt so great, i felt so free i decided to blog about it. because nothing beats the feeling of finally overcoming something or someone that has been upsetting you for years.
i succeeded at something!
go carol.

a story my uncle just told.
i was wearing my hair down when this black dude game up to me, and i mean black and he's like black black. and he's like, 'how'd'ja get your hair so wavy?" and i said, "it comes natural that way." and he was like, "you got waves for the women and curls for the girls." and then he said, "you mixed?" and i said, "yeah." and he said, "with what?" and i said, "cherokee." and he said, "i'm a mix of everything. puerto rican, mostly." and then i said, "right on, dude."
I LOVE MY FAMILY.

Oh man. you know what always makes me want to be better? vogue magazine. i want to eat better, work out harder, and dress better. i want to do better in school because i want to get a job doing something i love and i want to live my life without regrets and with maximum joy and ease. i want a freaking garden with a picket fence and lots of herbs and vegetables. i want to live up north and if that doesn't pan out, i want to live in europe.
my family is amazing and the idea of going back to utah is awful. blah blah blah.

yes, great aunt, i am aware i am overweight.
no, you do not need to point it out. i know i'm fat.

What things have happened? i'll give bullet points since i'm so tired.

- i've heard from a lot of my friends who were on missions. it feels really weird to hear from them again.
- i really want to take off a year, follow in my sister's footsteps, and teach in paris for a year. it would be so much fun.
- margaret and john are in town (for a few days). its good to see them again, but we will all miss roeschti when she leaves.
- i'm going to attempt to make traditional french croissants soon. if not tomorrow, monday or so. they are nearly impossible i hear.
- eat pray love = what i want my life to be.

so sleepy, must sleep.

Just a few quick thoughts.

I'm way burned out because of a three day trip, two days of which were full of 13 hour drives to and from Portland, Oregon. My friend Lauren came with me so i wouldn't be making the drive alone. she's going on her mission to Rome, Italy soon so it was absolutely fantastic to spend so much quality time together. we stayed at her family's house, and her parents were total gems. They cooked us dinner the first night we were in and got DELICIOUS thai take-out the next night.
Lauren and I went to two wedding receptions and then went to wunderland (i.e. like a nickelcade) with her old boyfriend (?) matt and two of his friends, cash and craig. it was actually pretty fun, lauren and i played a down-hill japanese bike racing game? it was really hard!
afterwards we went to matt's house and hung around in his crazy forest/ backyard and then built a bonfire. it was awesome. everytime i've been in oregon two things have happened: i've gone to burgerville and i've had a bonfire. its a tradition i intend to keep alive.
i fell asleep during the second harry potter movie and was awoken at 5 o'clock in the morning. pretty much totally burnt out. so i slept another four-ish hours before lauren and i had to get back on the road. then we got back to provo, i had about ten minutes to throw stuff into a suitcase, and then i drove all the way back to salt lake city. i got in at around two and woke up at six thirty for my flight. BLEH!
on the way back to SLC we got to talk with jacob m. who is now back from his mission. it was really weird hearing his voice and yet really natural at the same time, like he never left. it was also cool cause he's not an awkward phone-converser anymore!

in other news, my mom and dad don't come home until tomorrow. jordan and zach have been really intense. jordan made us watch "paranormal activities" which freaked both the kids out. just what we need. i made them watch "an affair to remember" but they wouldn't really sit still through mine and i got super annoyed. regardless, i was sobbing because the story is totally beautiful and it's so good.

being home is nice. even though the turbulence on the plane was bad (and i hate turbulence) i was so happy passing through the clouds. they were so big and fluffy and it felt like i was home. it smells better to me, and my meat feels good.

p.s. oregon is so beautiful as was cait's wedding reception. photos soon, hopefully.