man, it has been an awful week... margaret went back to college today. we didn't really hang out very much the last couple of days, and no one really seemed to care if i wanted to or not, so... oh well. last night i had an incredibly awkward night at dinner. another family was there and i was crying half the time thank heavens they didn't notice... i felt embarrassed because everyone was bringing up faults about me... from my bathroom sink to my make-up... it was horrible. it made me miss germany and the love i felt there so much that i went into the bathroom and just sobbed. it was horribly embaressing for me personally, just because i wish i could get over it. but you know how it is... when everything seems to go wrong, that's when you miss the utopias you've experienced... i just didn't want to be there. and then today... gosh. i've been babysitting all night, and i call one of my friends to see what's up, and she's like... we're going to accepted... you should come! it's at ten. and i was like... well i haven't seen my friends in days... i've been emotionally unstable and depressed, and i've been working in my room a lot and babysitting A LOT, so my mom should probably be ok with this... i call my mom... she says no. AGAIN? WHAT THE... mom?! what? it didn't make sense at all. and it wasn't even like she sounded like she was sorry... there was no tone of regretfullness in her voice, she just dismissed it. she dismissed all my problems all my feelings with a simple no. and i just don't know how it's ok... i don't see why i need to be punished so much. who knows how much i've missed by not hanging out with my friends. and it's not like next week is easy either... or like i'll see more of them. i'm doing fencing pre-season. getting shots. getting year book photos taken. getting surgery. all of which i'm incredibly nervous about... especially the surgery bit. as we all know.

i just want to re-wind to april and may again... when everyday was filled with secret messages and such love and. GOSH i'm. i'm losing my mind.