what the heck is my life.

i'm going to go out on a limb here and say very few people actually check this blog. so most of what i say is to remind myself of past mistakes, and to track how far i've come. for example, reading entries from, say, 2005, i feel like i've come pretty far, both in social eloquence and in controlling my emotions (at least publicly).
i don't have the hardest life, by any means, but dealing with an overwhelming depression that seeps through me in the winter time is something that makes everything in life ten times more difficult than it should be.
that being said, not only was i denied from my major, but my study abroad was cancelled. after a lot of tears in anger and frustration, i think it's been decided that i won't be going on a study abroad this fall. i'm angry about it, incredibly angry about it, but at least i'll be getting some classes out of the way and i'll be one semester closer to graduating.
i talked to my parents on skype tonight and it was extremely difficult. partially because i could see their faces and i knew they could see how overwhelmingly hideous mine was (tears). it was hard to realize how much i've been internalizing this whole time. my dad just kept pointing out how happy and bubbly i was in high school and wanted to know what happened. to be honest, i think it could be a slew of different things, but in a lot of ways i've been jaded. it's not something i necessarily like about myself. i've developed into somebody who is very shut off, isolated, quick to judge, and non trusting. i don't socialize anymore, i don't go out of my way to introduce myself or drive all over town with a car full of friends looking for something to do. i don't try and get to know people, i don't even attempt to excel in school. who knows. i've been rejected more in college than any other time in my life. i've felt more judged, misunderstood, and mistreated in a lot of ways.
there are some things i like about utah that i know i'll miss. the snow can be pretty, and it's interesting being around so many people who are of the same faith i grew up in. blah blah blah. but i feel stunted here. i'm sure i'll miss some things about college when i graduate but for now... for now i just want to move out. get a job, be with family.
anyway, now i just feel guilty for making my mom so sad.
i just want to go home. 

DECISIONS.

we all have them. well i have some very big ones to make in a very short amount of time. I got into this study abroad in Berlin. then i got an e-mail telling me that the program had been cancelled. Now the lure of travel is starting to hit me hard, but I'm having a really difficult time making this decision. I would love nothing more than to be traveling through Europe this fall, but there are some downsides.

1. my very good friend will be moving close-by, and i would miss spending time with her. (i don't know how long she'll be staying here)

2. my friend angela will be coming back from her mission and the fall semester will be her last one here.

3. it would cost a lot

4. it would mean missing thanksgiving with my family again. 

since the program has been cancelled, i've found out that i could still actually study in berlin, but i wouldn't have a program instructor, and i would really only be friends with people studying in the goethe institute. so i could do that program in germany or there are two other ones. well, three. there's one in norway, in the summer, or there's these international business ones. they go all over the world and they sound amazing. that would be really fun, and it happens in the summer. anyway, not sure what to do with that.

other important things. i got denied from advertising so i've got to apply again/ change my major. but more importantly, my best friend for life, antoinette, is coming to visit me in march. the 24th can not get here soon enough!!!!!

check out prada.com. and then go US. they have a video up that is awesome. both in composition and because they are playing ratatat. they've got my kudos this spring/summer.

how many more days until summer, again?

let's see, i'll be on a flight to hawaii in.... 62 days. and i'll be taking my final exam in 60 days. that's doable, right? because (fingers crossed) antoinette will be visiting in a few weeks which will distract me and then when she's gone, its projects and stuff. then maybe a road trip or something and then it will be last week of classes and then finals. i can do this.
time for a self pump up speech.
so tomorrow i'll clean my room. i'll swallow a million cough drops and hope that my throat clears up and i stop coughing. i'll go to the gym. i'll organize my books and pills so i can feel like my life has some sort of semblance of organization and then i'll catch up on the copious amount of work i've missed.
i've downloaded a bunch of new stuff which always makes me feel pumped. problem is most of it is dance stuff and now i really want to go clubbing. DANG IT. i hate when i get that feeling here. oh well. i'll be home soon enough. and then it will be summertime.

HAWAII

other things to get pumped about for summertime. 

via chicintuation.com. tangerine lipstick will be big this summer.

from elle magazine. what's cooler than a blazer over a swimsuit?

espadrilles. yes. 

if you're a girl and that didn't make you want summer to be right now i don't know what would. bronzer. beaches. dancing. going out with friends. lying out in the sun. popsicles. freckles. ahhhh... summertime. the best time. 

slizzard.

so i'm sick... its a real bummer. i don't think i've been this sick in a long time. i kind of feel like my head has been bashed in. i've been in bed for days. the thing that sucks about it all is that i am missing so much class. it's insane. it's starting to make me feel panicked and super far behind. and i know my teachers won't believe me. i mean really, the flu? that's got to be the most common thing in the book. but i've been talking to my dad about it and he says it's been going around, some cases lasting as long as three weeks. gosh i hope mine doesn't last three weeks. hopefully i'll be better by the weekend.
so in my delirium i've been watching hulu and netflix. my boyfriends, as it were, since being single and alone and sick just doesn't seem fair to me. i've caught up on all the new episodes, all the new shows. i've started heroes again, just because i can't remember what happened and it all ended so quickly. so that's what i've been doing with my time. my room is such a mess and i just kept thinking, "if someone were to find me dead in my room, they'd probably have no respect for me given the state it's in." also, some commentary on a few recent tv shows.
first of all, there's "perfect couples." i saw ads for this in the movie theater and i didn't know if it looked good or stupid but i've found it pretty funny. there's this one couple that's really crazy and fights all the time but then makes out all over the place. all the couples in the show get sick with food poisoning and the dramatic couple are both crouched by the toilet and one of them says, "i don't even remember what feeling good feels like. we're gonna feel like this forever." i chuckled at that one because i had been thinking it the day before, and i'm sure i've said it before. its like when its been winter forever and you're like, "i don't even remember what the sun feels like." one of those types of things.
anyway, that and "off the map." that one is showing some potential. it's like lost and house in a hybrid. you even have the surly sawyer.
anyway, that's about it for updates. no more pity parties. i got a new macbook pro so my life can't be that bad, right? my other computer died. this little biddy is pretty gorgeous.
anyway, i'm going to go get slizzard'd on cough syrup. kind of makes me wish we were out west in the olden days and i could just have honey and lemon with a shot of whiskey. am i right? but whatevs, i'll take the cough syrup.

La colère

Ce matin, j'ai mangé de la colère
à la petite cuillère.
J'ai mis plein de mauvaise humeur
sur ma tartine de beurre.
Toute la journée, je l'ai passé à grogner,
à donner des coups de pieds,
et à dire "C'est bien fait !".

Mais maintenant, ça suffit,
J'ai envie que ce soit fini.
Et avant d'aller me coucher,
je voudrais vous apporter
une salade de baisers
bien frais, bien doux, bien sucrés.
C'est très facile à préparer.
Qui veut la goûter ?


Monique Müller

So. I decided to do the program in Berlin after all! It took a while, and I thought I wouldn't do it for a while but after talking to a whole slew of people, I realised my reasons for not wanting to go where pretty silly. Also, because the program ends so early, I'll spend a month living in Paris with my sister and my friend morning! It would give me a month to travel, wander around, and be alone. Sometimes I worry I like being alone a little too much. But I've been much better about being social lately. Having morning as a friend has been so fun. Since we're both from Texas and went to similar private schools, we have tons in common. We also share an affinity for creeper stalking nordstrom's employees, shopping well and traveling the world. She also convinces me to go to the gym, which is really important for me. I can't depend just on ballet for my fitness.
I've been reading a ton lately. It's been very fun, dreaming up my own worlds and lifestyles. Also fun to pretend like attractive gentlemen still exist. I love imagining. Although with regards to the latter, I do wish that one could be real. I watched the young Victoria for the first time today. I don't know why I had been putting it off, but it was incredible, and the perfect movie for today. I'm really sad prince Albert died so young. He was so precious to her.
So this week will be exhaustive. A lot is due and I'm not prepared in the least. I also have to go home from Thursday to Monday for a bunch of doctors visits. As my mom said, "you just need to lose weight. you're costing us a lot with all these doctors visits and medications." fun life. No pressure.

Oh my gosh is this real life. So yesterday my car got towed (let's not talk about it) which made my life really difficult. I got it back this morning but it really was quite the hassle. Also now I'm 175 dollars down... Bummer. I'm having trouble deciding if I really want to do the Berlin program. Obviously the opportunity is a great one but it just feels kind of off... I can't explain it but I really need to figure out what to do about it.
I'm super tired and really behind in classes. I have trouble falling asleep and the sleeping pills just make me feel groggy and don't reall work fast enough. Gossip girl is sucking this season and I'm bitter. What is with serena's hair? Super ratty.
Anyway! This is just a quick update because my co outer is still broken and I have yet to replace it. Hopefully I'll be able to decide wha I want to do wit fall semester. I already know I have to move out so I don't exactly know what I'll do. Sigh.
Sigh no more ladies sigh no more.
Men were deceivers ever.
One foot in sea
And one on shore
To one thing constant never
But sigh no so
And let them go
And be you blithe and bonny
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into hey, nonny nonny!