man, it has been an awful week... margaret went back to college today. we didn't really hang out very much the last couple of days, and no one really seemed to care if i wanted to or not, so... oh well. last night i had an incredibly awkward night at dinner. another family was there and i was crying half the time thank heavens they didn't notice... i felt embarrassed because everyone was bringing up faults about me... from my bathroom sink to my make-up... it was horrible. it made me miss germany and the love i felt there so much that i went into the bathroom and just sobbed. it was horribly embaressing for me personally, just because i wish i could get over it. but you know how it is... when everything seems to go wrong, that's when you miss the utopias you've experienced... i just didn't want to be there. and then today... gosh. i've been babysitting all night, and i call one of my friends to see what's up, and she's like... we're going to accepted... you should come! it's at ten. and i was like... well i haven't seen my friends in days... i've been emotionally unstable and depressed, and i've been working in my room a lot and babysitting A LOT, so my mom should probably be ok with this... i call my mom... she says no. AGAIN? WHAT THE... mom?! what? it didn't make sense at all. and it wasn't even like she sounded like she was sorry... there was no tone of regretfullness in her voice, she just dismissed it. she dismissed all my problems all my feelings with a simple no. and i just don't know how it's ok... i don't see why i need to be punished so much. who knows how much i've missed by not hanging out with my friends. and it's not like next week is easy either... or like i'll see more of them. i'm doing fencing pre-season. getting shots. getting year book photos taken. getting surgery. all of which i'm incredibly nervous about... especially the surgery bit. as we all know.
i just want to re-wind to april and may again... when everyday was filled with secret messages and such love and. GOSH i'm. i'm losing my mind.
August 12, 2006
first and foremost:
??? ??????? ???? ??? ???? ???? ? ??? ??? ????? ????????? ?? ?? ????????? ???????? ?? ??????? ???? ???? ????? ?? ??? ????? ????????? ??? ?? ????? ?????? ????? ????????? ???? ???? ?? ???? ???? ???? ???? ?? ??? ??????? ?? ??????? ???? ?? ?????!!!!! ???????? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ???? ??? ????????????? ???? ????
???
hows about a l?ttle ?PÜ?Ç:??ÜÜ; TURKISH????
???? ??? ????? ?????? ??? ?? ? ??? ?? ?? ????... ?? ????? ???? ???? ?????. ????? ?? ???¨¨¨¨
????????????????;?????????!!!!!!!!
ok yeah but anyway, back to business.
mary was all, "ok so i'm going out with my friends and you CAN'T come with... but you can update your blog while i'm gone." and me being the sad, sad soul that i am, i am here... updating.
although i don't have too much to say. school starts in a couple of weeks and i'm so. nervous for the college process to start. talked with ludwig. was a mediocre conversation. not a lot of excitement from either side, really.
i schedule my surgery on monday, which REAAALLLYY freaks me out. i just do NOT want giant nails driven through my body, nor do i want my gums lasered!!!!
what else?? babysitting tomorrow night. do i have anything really intellectual to say? i can't decide. what has been on my mind lately is art. i havent had a passion for it in about a year and i kind of miss it. so that's what's been on my mind lately. oh,,, and also... oxford. oxford has been on my mind a lot lately. i really miss that experience. it was amazing. and i would love to see some of my friends from that program again. it was SO AMAZING.
i wish i could go back. not do it again, just go back with the same group and re-live it.
AHHHH.
??? ??????? ???? ??? ???? ???? ? ??? ??? ????? ????????? ?? ?? ????????? ???????? ?? ??????? ???? ???? ????? ?? ??? ????? ????????? ??? ?? ????? ?????? ????? ????????? ???? ???? ?? ???? ???? ???? ???? ?? ??? ??????? ?? ??????? ???? ?? ?????!!!!! ???????? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ???? ??? ????????????? ???? ????
???
hows about a l?ttle ?PÜ?Ç:??ÜÜ; TURKISH????
???? ??? ????? ?????? ??? ?? ? ??? ?? ?? ????... ?? ????? ???? ???? ?????. ????? ?? ???¨¨¨¨
????????????????;?????????!!!!!!!!
ok yeah but anyway, back to business.
mary was all, "ok so i'm going out with my friends and you CAN'T come with... but you can update your blog while i'm gone." and me being the sad, sad soul that i am, i am here... updating.
although i don't have too much to say. school starts in a couple of weeks and i'm so. nervous for the college process to start. talked with ludwig. was a mediocre conversation. not a lot of excitement from either side, really.
i schedule my surgery on monday, which REAAALLLYY freaks me out. i just do NOT want giant nails driven through my body, nor do i want my gums lasered!!!!
what else?? babysitting tomorrow night. do i have anything really intellectual to say? i can't decide. what has been on my mind lately is art. i havent had a passion for it in about a year and i kind of miss it. so that's what's been on my mind lately. oh,,, and also... oxford. oxford has been on my mind a lot lately. i really miss that experience. it was amazing. and i would love to see some of my friends from that program again. it was SO AMAZING.
i wish i could go back. not do it again, just go back with the same group and re-live it.
AHHHH.
August 09, 2006
i'm mad at me because i keep on making friendships and relationships, etc. that only i care about keeping. and i need to get over that. i also don't know if it's my obsessive imagination or not, if these people are really neglecting me, or if i just really want to hear from them and they just aren't talking or what.
whatever it is, it sucks.
whatever it is, it sucks.
August 08, 2006
WOOOOOO.
HOOOOOOOO.
ok so i've set my awesome keyboard to a german keyboard setting, which is trippy because the y and z are changed up, as are all of the ü+äö-.,,#'!"§$$%%&&//()=? buttons. it's really awesome. anyway. so yesterday i hung out with antoinette and jason. antoinette and i ate at bucca di beppo, which was awesome and dericious, and then jason joined us, but, as he admitted later, he was cranky. antoinette and i WANTED to rent pteradactyles or however you spell it, but jason didn't want to watch it. so we watched entrapment. which i remember being pretty good.
today i was reunited with my biffy, anna, and we talked about her trip to china and my trip to germany. it seems so far away now, and i really can't be bothered to think about it anymore.
my mutti took me shopping today which was wicked awesome. she bought me very nice things. i haven't gone shopping with her in a while.
i'm on chapter four in my teach yourself german book!!! WOOT.
other than that, there really isnt much else. i wish i had more energy? that's about all...
school starts soon. mixed feelings.
HOOOOOOOO.
ok so i've set my awesome keyboard to a german keyboard setting, which is trippy because the y and z are changed up, as are all of the ü+äö-.,,#'!"§$$%%&&//()=? buttons. it's really awesome. anyway. so yesterday i hung out with antoinette and jason. antoinette and i ate at bucca di beppo, which was awesome and dericious, and then jason joined us, but, as he admitted later, he was cranky. antoinette and i WANTED to rent pteradactyles or however you spell it, but jason didn't want to watch it. so we watched entrapment. which i remember being pretty good.
today i was reunited with my biffy, anna, and we talked about her trip to china and my trip to germany. it seems so far away now, and i really can't be bothered to think about it anymore.
my mutti took me shopping today which was wicked awesome. she bought me very nice things. i haven't gone shopping with her in a while.
i'm on chapter four in my teach yourself german book!!! WOOT.
other than that, there really isnt much else. i wish i had more energy? that's about all...
school starts soon. mixed feelings.
August 06, 2006
alright, i'm ready for a change. i'm getting my hair cut on the 18th, this is true. i'm also getting that tooth surgery done (shudder) soon. which will change a lot. and... i can just feel it. a good kind of a change. i can feel it in me bones. glad to just be moving on from all that. ugh. all that... stuff.
August 02, 2006
i don't know why i feel like posting suddenly. why, lately, i have written more and more increasingly. i guess it's because i have a lot on my mind, and if i keep it inside me, it becomes dangerous. as i learned roughly two years ago.
WOW does time move quickly. i remember when i was younger around christmastime, it seemed to drag on. and on. and on. the days moved like years to me and i simply couldn't wait to get my presents from santa. and now, days move like minutes. though summertime is hot and slow and the hazy days all seem to blend together, they somehow all just sort of lump into this one time frame, and it all passes fairly quickly. it's august already, and towards the end of the month i'll be starting my senior year of highschool. i remember almost thirteen years ago when i was walked up to my first kindergarten class, following the red foot steps trail to the front door. though those have been torn down now for newer greater architecture, i still feel nostalgic thinking about it. i just don't know how i got here so quickly. and growing up occurs so fast as well. it seems like in the blink of an eye i went from awkward and incapable to talking with boys to awkward and wanting to be friends with lots of boys. but now i seem to use my awkwardness as a sort of shield and identity. i act awkward, but i rarely am awkward. i find myself uncomfortable in very few instances, and i like it that way because it allows me to be more flexible with life. i tend to meet a lot of very interesting people because i'm simply not afraid to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger.
that aside, i read my sisters blog about her healing process over the past two years. i went back and read a couple of the posts from october of 2001 and was surprised. i forgot how poetic her entries used to be- there was such a burn, there was such a fire in her. to become an author, to do something with her life, to smear her ideas and images all across the world. and somewhere inbetween there and now it died. i know that living at home had a majority to do with it. there is no privacy here, really, and everyone is so incredibely observant and critical. with babystitting and the need to make money, etc. there isn't much time for her to do the things she really loves-- scrapbook, create journals, write, take pictures, etc. i realized that i haven't really had a burn or desire to do photography since. well... since oxford. it just sort of faded once last school year started, and i haven't had the drive again. in a long time. and i miss it. because i feel like i was once really hip. once i really thought of myself as artistic, and i painted and sketched and did ceramics and took so many photos. and now i'm just sort of this lump. summer doesn't help. i'm lazier than ever, i drag myself out of bed in the mornings and collapse into bed at night. in the mornings i have to help my mom cook and stuff, so i'm left with a huge chunk of time just to think. which is normally a good thing, but it seems that lately, that thinking time is just used up to mentally beat myself up. with memories from germany, about my weight, etc. i rode my bike for a while today, and it felt pretty good when i got home. it didn't feel good after i ate a whole bag of cookies tonight, but when i had stretched and done some crunches, i felt good about myself. for a little bit. and then i realized that i have no impulse control, and remembered that it probably wouldn't last.
and for whatever reason, i feel like the odd one out of the family right now. everyone seems to be getting along with eachother, except me. jordans obsessive rituals though, her constant name calling and kissing the dog and all that drive me absolutely insane. not to mention zack off his medication is like. hell on earth. the incessent screaming just drives me up the wall. margaret seems off her rocker to me, and seems to be fluctuating from happy to really snappy very quickly. and mary is about to move and couldn't care less about my emotional well being or wherever this "attitude" is from. and when i was looking at the college website from our school, i realized that there are places all around the world i could go to college in. europe, asia, etc. so i looked into it. i thought of hong kong but realized that would be TOO much of a change, so i focused mostly on europe. i thought about germany for a long while, but then i just saw myself in a couple of years, with few friends and my weekends being taken up with wanting to visit old friends from school, but them having moved on to different places, etc. which would be awful and i'd feel so stupid, so i totally ruled that out. i thought of rome and again with the lonely thing. so i focused primarily on france and england. paris would be a dream, as would london. but for some reason, when i brought this up, everyone started taunting me and posing it like i was doing this just to be close to my friends in germany. which was embarrasing and made me ashamed i even brought it up. all i could focus on was the lightbulb above the table and the fork near my plate and i didn't want them too but the tears started pouring down my face. and there is something to be said about the way mary can see where justice is deserved. and i know i'll miss that. i'll miss having her there to back me up when the family gangs up on me. i don't know what i'll do about that. these next couple of months are going to be horribly stressful for me, and i don't think i'm emotionally ready yet for this huge change. i'm going to a different church now, mary will be in college, i'm applying for college, doing fencing, and SAT prep courses, and i just don't know how well i'll handle it all. to top it all of, ludwig got back from bavaria, and never even wrote me hello, so now i just feel even more stupid and more alone and. blech.
i kind of want to run away for a while, just go somewhere and visit people i haven't seen in such a long time, but i know this is impossible. with the large amounts of appointments and commitments i already have set up, there is no way i can break away for just a little bit. i feel like a hollow easter bunny except without the sweet layering. and it's just an awful feeling and i wish i knew how to stop this sadness but i don't.
WOW does time move quickly. i remember when i was younger around christmastime, it seemed to drag on. and on. and on. the days moved like years to me and i simply couldn't wait to get my presents from santa. and now, days move like minutes. though summertime is hot and slow and the hazy days all seem to blend together, they somehow all just sort of lump into this one time frame, and it all passes fairly quickly. it's august already, and towards the end of the month i'll be starting my senior year of highschool. i remember almost thirteen years ago when i was walked up to my first kindergarten class, following the red foot steps trail to the front door. though those have been torn down now for newer greater architecture, i still feel nostalgic thinking about it. i just don't know how i got here so quickly. and growing up occurs so fast as well. it seems like in the blink of an eye i went from awkward and incapable to talking with boys to awkward and wanting to be friends with lots of boys. but now i seem to use my awkwardness as a sort of shield and identity. i act awkward, but i rarely am awkward. i find myself uncomfortable in very few instances, and i like it that way because it allows me to be more flexible with life. i tend to meet a lot of very interesting people because i'm simply not afraid to strike up a conversation with a complete stranger.
that aside, i read my sisters blog about her healing process over the past two years. i went back and read a couple of the posts from october of 2001 and was surprised. i forgot how poetic her entries used to be- there was such a burn, there was such a fire in her. to become an author, to do something with her life, to smear her ideas and images all across the world. and somewhere inbetween there and now it died. i know that living at home had a majority to do with it. there is no privacy here, really, and everyone is so incredibely observant and critical. with babystitting and the need to make money, etc. there isn't much time for her to do the things she really loves-- scrapbook, create journals, write, take pictures, etc. i realized that i haven't really had a burn or desire to do photography since. well... since oxford. it just sort of faded once last school year started, and i haven't had the drive again. in a long time. and i miss it. because i feel like i was once really hip. once i really thought of myself as artistic, and i painted and sketched and did ceramics and took so many photos. and now i'm just sort of this lump. summer doesn't help. i'm lazier than ever, i drag myself out of bed in the mornings and collapse into bed at night. in the mornings i have to help my mom cook and stuff, so i'm left with a huge chunk of time just to think. which is normally a good thing, but it seems that lately, that thinking time is just used up to mentally beat myself up. with memories from germany, about my weight, etc. i rode my bike for a while today, and it felt pretty good when i got home. it didn't feel good after i ate a whole bag of cookies tonight, but when i had stretched and done some crunches, i felt good about myself. for a little bit. and then i realized that i have no impulse control, and remembered that it probably wouldn't last.
and for whatever reason, i feel like the odd one out of the family right now. everyone seems to be getting along with eachother, except me. jordans obsessive rituals though, her constant name calling and kissing the dog and all that drive me absolutely insane. not to mention zack off his medication is like. hell on earth. the incessent screaming just drives me up the wall. margaret seems off her rocker to me, and seems to be fluctuating from happy to really snappy very quickly. and mary is about to move and couldn't care less about my emotional well being or wherever this "attitude" is from. and when i was looking at the college website from our school, i realized that there are places all around the world i could go to college in. europe, asia, etc. so i looked into it. i thought of hong kong but realized that would be TOO much of a change, so i focused mostly on europe. i thought about germany for a long while, but then i just saw myself in a couple of years, with few friends and my weekends being taken up with wanting to visit old friends from school, but them having moved on to different places, etc. which would be awful and i'd feel so stupid, so i totally ruled that out. i thought of rome and again with the lonely thing. so i focused primarily on france and england. paris would be a dream, as would london. but for some reason, when i brought this up, everyone started taunting me and posing it like i was doing this just to be close to my friends in germany. which was embarrasing and made me ashamed i even brought it up. all i could focus on was the lightbulb above the table and the fork near my plate and i didn't want them too but the tears started pouring down my face. and there is something to be said about the way mary can see where justice is deserved. and i know i'll miss that. i'll miss having her there to back me up when the family gangs up on me. i don't know what i'll do about that. these next couple of months are going to be horribly stressful for me, and i don't think i'm emotionally ready yet for this huge change. i'm going to a different church now, mary will be in college, i'm applying for college, doing fencing, and SAT prep courses, and i just don't know how well i'll handle it all. to top it all of, ludwig got back from bavaria, and never even wrote me hello, so now i just feel even more stupid and more alone and. blech.
i kind of want to run away for a while, just go somewhere and visit people i haven't seen in such a long time, but i know this is impossible. with the large amounts of appointments and commitments i already have set up, there is no way i can break away for just a little bit. i feel like a hollow easter bunny except without the sweet layering. and it's just an awful feeling and i wish i knew how to stop this sadness but i don't.
August 01, 2006
well. it has started.
for the most part.
i've started looking into colleges, printing off applications, organizing files, narrowing choices down. i'm looking a LOT into foreign schools, it just feels right somehow, so i'm looking at places in london and paris and i thought about rome but it felt like i would be really depressed there, so i didn't do that. i also thought about germany, but again with the feeling that i would be really depressed their thing. i think i would be happiest in england, but whatever. and of course i'm also looking at schools in america. it's just so nerve racking, because there are SO MANY appointments, deadlines, meetings, flights, etc. that i now i have to plan and prepare for. it's really scary, this is huge for me.
aaaannnnnddd i've been gone from germany for a while. that just-got-back-from-europe shine is starting to wear off and i find myself jealous of friends that are there right now or who are going still. aaaahhhh. i don't know. i just don't know.
i'm also so incredibly surprisingly (or not so) lonely. i miss hanging out with fabian and ludwig. they were so goofy and laid back.
aaaaccckkk. girls have way too much drama. i've just decided not to get caught up in it. it's so stupid, it's just a bunch of hallow shouts and stuff to make yourself feel more important and bigger and better than everyone else. it just seems stupid if you ask me. it's all about attention, and there are so many better ways of getting attention. well.
that's that.
for the most part.
i've started looking into colleges, printing off applications, organizing files, narrowing choices down. i'm looking a LOT into foreign schools, it just feels right somehow, so i'm looking at places in london and paris and i thought about rome but it felt like i would be really depressed there, so i didn't do that. i also thought about germany, but again with the feeling that i would be really depressed their thing. i think i would be happiest in england, but whatever. and of course i'm also looking at schools in america. it's just so nerve racking, because there are SO MANY appointments, deadlines, meetings, flights, etc. that i now i have to plan and prepare for. it's really scary, this is huge for me.
aaaannnnnddd i've been gone from germany for a while. that just-got-back-from-europe shine is starting to wear off and i find myself jealous of friends that are there right now or who are going still. aaaahhhh. i don't know. i just don't know.
i'm also so incredibly surprisingly (or not so) lonely. i miss hanging out with fabian and ludwig. they were so goofy and laid back.
aaaaccckkk. girls have way too much drama. i've just decided not to get caught up in it. it's so stupid, it's just a bunch of hallow shouts and stuff to make yourself feel more important and bigger and better than everyone else. it just seems stupid if you ask me. it's all about attention, and there are so many better ways of getting attention. well.
that's that.