wow
all of my friends packed up and left for san diego today (i am not included in this adventure. it's complicated) i'm surprisingly indifferent and glad i'm not going.
so today i had to go to the dentist office because i'm getting surgery to have my teeth implanted. it was scary. the giant titanium screws that will be drilled into my gums, and later on, the gumline that will be LASERED AWAY sounds really painful and i'm not very excited for this to happen. however, it's happening. and sooner than i expected.
mary and mom are coming home today, i haven't seen my mom in like three weeks, but i only see her for a day and a half before she leaves with my dad for an adult family reunion.
i'm still confused and lonely. it's really confusing. i have so much stuff to do, so many appointments and checking to make sure things don't conflict. and i'm worried about college applications and getting rejected. because i hate rejection, and i fear the looks on my parents faces when they see where i get rejected from.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
18 is kind of a confusing time. because you really aren't a kid anymore, but no one really views you as an adult either. but then i see some 18 year olds, like miss universe, who are like. drop dead gorgeous. and then i see myself and i'm like... gross. what is this? why do you insist upon eating so much and doing so little? i don't know.
what i do know is that i want to make a movie. i want to take pictures. i want to live in europe. i want to build something. i want to make a song. i want to kiss again. i really miss that. that was fun. i want to cook something. i want to explore.
i wonder how differently i must come across to people. i mean, i know what i'm like to me, but what do i look like and how do i come off to other people? do i seem desperate? do i seem needy? too loud? nosey? i don't know. do i come off as adventurous and childlike as i feel? do i come off innocent? or do i come of as sexual? i don't know. it's really weird when i lie down and think about it for long periods of time.
you know what's also weird?
the fact that a week ago at this very hour (only 7 hours ahead in german time) i was lying down in annikas backyard, cuddling between caroline and antoinette and looking up at the most amazing night sky i've ever seen. and i felt so comfortable and so content, and as i said then, it looked like the sky had serane wrap (spelling?) spread over it and someone had sprinkled glowing salt all over it. it was incredible, it really was. it was so vibrant and there were just so many stars. and to think that was just one week ago. how much can change in a week.
you know, that's another thing. so much can change in such a short amount of time. in a minute. in a second. someone can die. someones life can change. marriage. babies. death. jobs. new opportunities. tragedy. it's hard to explain. it's just weird that, while i can go a full day lying around on the couch seemingly doing nothing, thousands of peoples lives are changing. in incredible ways. i mean, just one week ago i was in germany. two weeks ago i was at ludwigs house. we were talking and partying and who knows what else. and now i'm sitting in my house. and there is no breeze outside. and the days seem filled with stiffled boring air that doesn't move or intrigue or inspire. and someties i just lie there, on grass, on a bed, on a couch, staring up at the white ceiling, or the sky, or the window. and just staring. and wondering. and thinking. and going over memory after memory after memory, wanting to relive moments and change others, wanting to see people, and go certain places. wanting to be the person i've always imagined myself being, but couldn't because of the lack of resources and money and time.
time time time. don't even get me started with time. it runs out so quickly and before you know it moments are over. years are over. childhood is over. lives are over.
July 25, 2006
July 23, 2006
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
i've got so much on my mind it's insane.
i'm back in america and i'm so. hallow. i'm so scared about the upcoming schoolyear and all the requirements that come along with it. it's senior year and no one has signed me up for an SAT review and i feel like my parents don't even realize what i still have left to do. i have the SAT and the ACT and i don't want to do either. i'm so scared about college applications and if i'll come across the way i really am and if colleges will accept me and what college i'm going to and all of that.
not to mention the fact that i am so emotionally confused right now. i. have no bike to ride anywhere. it's hot and the people are fake and all dress up too much. everyone is injected with plastic or some synthetic and clothes and make up hide true personalities. teenagers are obsessed with boring things that don't require any thinking or intellect. i have no more ludwig to have deep late night discussions with, i have no cool castles to climb to or parks i can have picnics in. there isn't a train station nearby where i can just get on and visit a city filled with more history than my state is. it's horrible and i just want to go back. not to mention i don't know how long it will be until i see these people again. i would love nothing more than to visit all of my friends in germany in christmastime, when it's snowing and beautiful and even more memorable than the summer but i think my parents would rather me stop talking about my feelings and/ or germany. i just love it so much, i really do, and i keep on getting made fun of for it. my family sees nothing redeeming in the food there, nor do they find anything about the country very fascinating. a couple of days ago i went out and bought a book to teach myself german. i'm on chapter three. progress is mediocre.
that doesn't change the fact that i'm so depressed though. the time difference doesn't help either. whenever lisa, charlotte, fabian, or annika are on, i'm asleep or at lunch or something. and ludwig is in who-knows-where bavaria and i don't know if he'll ever be on the internet again. so all contact seems virtually shut off.
just to add on top of ALL OF THIS... i have nothing left to look forward to this summer, i haven't seen any of my friends since i got back, and they're all leaving for san diego in a couple of days.
i just need a hug from charlotte or ludwig or even FABIAN or annika or lisa but they are all more than 5,800 miles away. and that is MORE THAN AWFUL. and not knowing when i'll see them again makes it even MORE worse, because i've got nothing to look forward to, it's not sure.
so i'm stuck staying my sisters room which is full of moths that don't seem to die, which just leaves me full of fear that i'll inhale/ swallow some while i'm sleeping so i can't seem to fall asleep out of paranoia. i also keep on watching the life aquatic with steve zissou which makes me cry at the end everytime and i'm not sure why, i don't know if it's because he has to overcome the thing that killed his best friend, or because he's lost the boy he viewed as a son or if it's because everyone at the end just sort of touches him out of comfort and i'm jealous that i don't have that sort of comfort right now or what. i don't know what it is for sure but sigur ros mixed with that ending and klaus + the little german boy just doesn't help .
and so here i am, awkward and 18 freaking years old and more confused about life than i ever thought i'd be, and hoping that somehow everything will fix itself even though i know it can't and won't and hoping that all the moths in this room will somehow be obliterated and mourning my loss of germany and wishing that i was just awkwardly sitting in a restaurant with ludwig and fabian on the night of the world cup when everything seemed to glimmer with hope and anticipation and nervousness.
i've got so much on my mind it's insane.
i'm back in america and i'm so. hallow. i'm so scared about the upcoming schoolyear and all the requirements that come along with it. it's senior year and no one has signed me up for an SAT review and i feel like my parents don't even realize what i still have left to do. i have the SAT and the ACT and i don't want to do either. i'm so scared about college applications and if i'll come across the way i really am and if colleges will accept me and what college i'm going to and all of that.
not to mention the fact that i am so emotionally confused right now. i. have no bike to ride anywhere. it's hot and the people are fake and all dress up too much. everyone is injected with plastic or some synthetic and clothes and make up hide true personalities. teenagers are obsessed with boring things that don't require any thinking or intellect. i have no more ludwig to have deep late night discussions with, i have no cool castles to climb to or parks i can have picnics in. there isn't a train station nearby where i can just get on and visit a city filled with more history than my state is. it's horrible and i just want to go back. not to mention i don't know how long it will be until i see these people again. i would love nothing more than to visit all of my friends in germany in christmastime, when it's snowing and beautiful and even more memorable than the summer but i think my parents would rather me stop talking about my feelings and/ or germany. i just love it so much, i really do, and i keep on getting made fun of for it. my family sees nothing redeeming in the food there, nor do they find anything about the country very fascinating. a couple of days ago i went out and bought a book to teach myself german. i'm on chapter three. progress is mediocre.
that doesn't change the fact that i'm so depressed though. the time difference doesn't help either. whenever lisa, charlotte, fabian, or annika are on, i'm asleep or at lunch or something. and ludwig is in who-knows-where bavaria and i don't know if he'll ever be on the internet again. so all contact seems virtually shut off.
just to add on top of ALL OF THIS... i have nothing left to look forward to this summer, i haven't seen any of my friends since i got back, and they're all leaving for san diego in a couple of days.
i just need a hug from charlotte or ludwig or even FABIAN or annika or lisa but they are all more than 5,800 miles away. and that is MORE THAN AWFUL. and not knowing when i'll see them again makes it even MORE worse, because i've got nothing to look forward to, it's not sure.
so i'm stuck staying my sisters room which is full of moths that don't seem to die, which just leaves me full of fear that i'll inhale/ swallow some while i'm sleeping so i can't seem to fall asleep out of paranoia. i also keep on watching the life aquatic with steve zissou which makes me cry at the end everytime and i'm not sure why, i don't know if it's because he has to overcome the thing that killed his best friend, or because he's lost the boy he viewed as a son or if it's because everyone at the end just sort of touches him out of comfort and i'm jealous that i don't have that sort of comfort right now or what. i don't know what it is for sure but sigur ros mixed with that ending and klaus + the little german boy just doesn't help .
and so here i am, awkward and 18 freaking years old and more confused about life than i ever thought i'd be, and hoping that somehow everything will fix itself even though i know it can't and won't and hoping that all the moths in this room will somehow be obliterated and mourning my loss of germany and wishing that i was just awkwardly sitting in a restaurant with ludwig and fabian on the night of the world cup when everything seemed to glimmer with hope and anticipation and nervousness.
July 19, 2006
germany 2006
ohhhh man. im in germany right now and i leave tomorrow and no words can describe this trip...
i have changed significantly but in not so obvious ways, and i have done and eaten things i never thought i would have the guts to. i had to say goodbye to ludwig a couple of days ago, and when i was running beside the train crying and blowing kisses towards each other, i realized i dont want to leave this place. i really fell in love with this country and the language and the people and everything. i loved münster so much, it was such a cool city. i dont know if it was the hugely large amount of bikes everywhere or if it was the awesome night scene, but i loved it. ludwigs house was so nice and his family was so awesome, and every morning his mom would make me such delicious müsli with delicious fruit on top and we'd have bread and nutella and it was sooo grood.
i only wish i had said thank you more often. i just sort of got out of the habit and never thanked ludwig for helping me when i felt sick, and i didn't tell his mom thank you enough. and he brought it up in switzerland and i felt aweful when i realized that it was true, that i was ungrateful. i felt aweful and i wish i could go back in time and relive it and fix everything. because that half of the trip was just so surreal and amazing.
no words.
more later.
i have changed significantly but in not so obvious ways, and i have done and eaten things i never thought i would have the guts to. i had to say goodbye to ludwig a couple of days ago, and when i was running beside the train crying and blowing kisses towards each other, i realized i dont want to leave this place. i really fell in love with this country and the language and the people and everything. i loved münster so much, it was such a cool city. i dont know if it was the hugely large amount of bikes everywhere or if it was the awesome night scene, but i loved it. ludwigs house was so nice and his family was so awesome, and every morning his mom would make me such delicious müsli with delicious fruit on top and we'd have bread and nutella and it was sooo grood.
i only wish i had said thank you more often. i just sort of got out of the habit and never thanked ludwig for helping me when i felt sick, and i didn't tell his mom thank you enough. and he brought it up in switzerland and i felt aweful when i realized that it was true, that i was ungrateful. i felt aweful and i wish i could go back in time and relive it and fix everything. because that half of the trip was just so surreal and amazing.
no words.
more later.