It had simple cursive writing on it, no return address, just my name followed by my address. No slanting. perfectly lined up and parallel to eachother

I got a letter in the mail today. It was cold outside, and so the mailbox was cold, and so the letter was cold. the handwriting on the front was so neat, the stamp so... refreshingly untexan and artsy, the whole design of it so neat and orderly; no return address or little drawings or anything. it was from bess. it was a nice surprise and it made me happy. things like that make me happy. i wish i got more handwritten letters.
school started again. this is a good thing, and a bad thing. both for obvious reasons.
i'm finding things to distract me. i'm finding lots of things. sometimes i can't block it or stop it, but now i have lots of stuff to read and i'm painting and i'm joining tech crew for annie's musical and i'm... i'm trying.
i'll say this. mary says that calling yourself ugly, or thinking it, affects the water inside you and you become... well... uglier. she says that this is what's happening to me. i view myself in a severly harsh light. i find myself... one of the ugliest girls in my school. i don't want a bunch of comments telling me, "oh julia, you're not like that! come on, you're beautiful!" because pu-lease. anyway, the point is, i don't think of myself in a positive way and mary says that i have to and i'll feel better and maybe my life will get a bit more normal and i won't be as depressed and stuff. well that's all in good, it's just i've actually got to start thinking it, which is really hard to do.
i'm going to eat indian food with my dad and mary during school lunch tomorrow. i'm really rather excited. indian food is freaking awesome.
the clouds have replaced the sky and they are constantly dropping cold water and little ice pellets on me. they, the clouds that is, are deep grays and very little white, just mostly grays. it makes life more interesting. and it makes my hair look insanely red too, which is kind of annoying, but what are you going to do about it.

Is it possible?

This week has been quite the adventure for julia. what with the bollywood movies and late night college-kids-visiting dinners and me thinking my heart, or perhaps it actually was, being thrown back and forth and twisted and torn and maybe even messily mended back together. this week i've been enlightened and i've seen things in a totally different way. right now i'm running on 41 hours without sleep, so maybe this is the only time i'll think of life this way. i can't exactly express it, but my mind, if it is possible, is almost totally at peace. and now, for more ramblings like the one you are currently reading followed by some observational vignettes which occured throughout my day.
i am not writing this for anyone and i'm not worried that the person this is about will read it and take it to heart. i foolishly gave my heart away. i didn't know it at the time, but i did it. it was silly and childish of me the way i behaved, and i'm not even postitive he's that great of a guy. my opinion keeps changing you see. anyway. i talked with serge about it, told him almost the whole story, and he told me, last night on my boycotting of sleep, that i have been played. that i finally felt special and i had been played. when i read this, i knew what he said was true. i was listening to Gretchen Ross on repeat and the song combined with the knowledge and englightenment i'd just received caused me to break down and cry; let me get my anger out. all night i thought about it, and by sunrise i was calm. only until a few minutes ago did i think about it again. i think i have come to accept the fact, and hopefully i'll be able to forget everything. i'm just upset that i was stupid and clingy and foolish and i thought irrational thoughts. i hope i didn't hurt any of my friends or annoy them, and if i did i'm sorry.
When i was with my dad in the international pancake house, an old lady cut in front of the huge line that had formed. this place is a very busy place you see. she told the young man working at the desk that she wanted him to put her down, rose i believe was the name, for one. just her. no one else stood by her side. i looked at her crinkly withering hand as it stood by her side alone and wondered if she had always been this way; without someone to share her life with. i wondered if she had married a nice young boy in the 1950's and if they had glorious memories together and i wondered if he had died in a heroic way, and if all of their memories together were running around in her mind. she interrupted my thoughts though, to try and request a booth seat as well. for one person. this my rose; she made me smile that day with her seemingly crazy requests and the curiosity she made me feel.
i am not quite sure what childish conclusions i have formed about society and capitalism and relationships and emotions. i don't know if i'm even sure of what i think or if i even know if it's valid or not. last night i debated and discussed many of these topics with glenn and serge. the way glenn viewed life fascinated me because, as he said, it was truely binary. emotion wasn't envolved, humanity wasn't, it was simply that he tore everything off down to the bone. i wanted to agree with what he said because his points were very valid, but when i said them to myself they just sounded so selfish that... that i felt like a jerk for believing them. it was crazy. serge talked with me about relationships, friendships, and how true friendships are gained, what they are made of. society and capitalism however, those i will save for another day.
people ask me if i think that having a boyfriend or a husband or a man or whatever you want to say will make me feel whole. i don't know the answer. on one hand, i know that i could very well live a nice corprate life, living in a pent house in new york and working very hard and partying with the girls on weekends. but the other part of me thinks about the completion i would feel, and though i know i am complete now, a man would make me more whole? i mean is this possible? that either way i'm whole, i would just rather choose having a guy then living alone? i don't know if i'm even making sense now, my eyes are starting to blur and go out of focus.
i enjoy ranting and raving, maybe too much. i would maybe find it boring to read, but perhaps this is a selfish thing. perhaps i'm just doing this for me, so i can go back to it in later years and recall the things i thought, which could maybe change me or affect me in later years. this i do not know.
i know that i have not been the best friend; i have shirked christmas and birthday gifts, i haven't gone to all my friends' activities, i've proabably said mean stuff. i'm working on those baked goods annie, it's all in a matter of time. i'm working on repaying everyone else too. i'm sorry i've made you wait so long, i just want you to know i'll pay you back for everything you've done someday.
my last little rift of random phrases and words is the following. many days i wake up in a groggy cloudy state of mind. i go through the day, and when, at four twenty, i drive up to my house, i look at our now rusting mail box. i think, did i get a letter from someone? did i get anything? there usually isn't ever anything. but almost everyday, i sit and wonder if people ever sit and wonder about how sending a package to me or sending me a letter could change my life and i wonder if those wondering about me wonder why i'm wondering all this. this makes so much more sense when you're going on 42 hours of no sleep.

I don't wanna be alone

Time for a little drama...

ok so, today really would've been an OK day. well, the day itself was ok. went to movie with family, did some stuff, went to see the new bollywood movie (WHICH WAS AWESOME) and got to hang out with some relatively good people. now it's time to let off some steam.
hey, mary, it really was not cool to go to mom and dad and biatch about how i downloaded donnie darko, and to keep bringing it up. i don't know what kind of weird sisterly world you live in. it's not like i was smoking pot or drinking or swearing. you know, you could've let that one slide. and by not doing that, you just proved to me how heartless you can really be. bravo! now mom and dad have taken my mouse away, and everyones being really nice to me. but it's ok. i figured out how to navigate around my computer with a mouse or without.
to anyone that cares, i'm so effing sorry if you don't like my new "eye make-up" or my new "attitude" or if you don't like how "i'm rebelling." and i don't want to hear the words, "what happened to the good, sweet spirited julia we used to know?" again. because i'm sick of hearing it. and i'm sorry that i'm not meeting up to everyones expectations and i'm so sorry that i'm not being the perfect kid i used to be. maybe it was a bit wearing after a while. perhaps? i don't know. just an idea.
i'm sorry that i have an addictive personality. to everyone. i'm sorry about that. really i am. maybe, maybe after locking myself in my room and not really talking about my real emotions to people, maybe all i want is some kind words. annd i'm kind of not getting that. the few people i actually do talk to about my real feelings are either too self absorbed to care (no offense, but it's true) or they live really busy lives and don't have time for my pesky problems (no offense, it's true).
my posts are always a tad bit dramatic, and this may be overwhelmingly so, but a kid can only take so much before they lose it. and i think i'm losing it! i don't know if school will help or make this worse... i simply don't know.
i'm just really really tired. i'm tired of people who think they're they have the right to believe themselves to be higher than me. i'm tired of all the people who wish i was my old self, and all of those fake people, and all of those really airhead texas people. i'm sick of the south, and the ugly ugly yellow green fall colours here, and i'm sick of everything and everyone. everyone around me. they've all just pushed me to some serious limits.
oh and also. i'm still feeling rather sick. just the little... cherry on top.

The freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned

Facts:
1. Ninjas are mammals.
2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.
3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.

An update of my life, in short.
let's see, sunday i went to church, mary chewed me out for wearing "punk rock eye make-up," i went to choir, went home, slept until like, seven thirty or eight, woke up in a daze, shuffled around, went upstairs, stared at my wall for a while, probably talked to serge, mary's internet friend, and then went to bed.
monday i woke up early, went to seminary, came home, got zack some doughnuts, came back home, went to bed, woke up at about one thirty, shuffled around, stared at the wall, wandered around the house, downloaded music, talked to annie a bit, talked to serge a bit, went out to chiles with the family, and after i got too full, i went out to the car with zack.
we sat, listening to death cab for cutie's photo album, and passed eachother notes back and forth. i told him about what he was like when he was a baby, and got all teary, and he seemed to quiet down a bit and sat there contemplating whatever his childish thoughts are. when the family came back out to the car, mary and mom sat in the middle, and mom made room for me even though there wasn't any room, and this is how we quietly reconciled. i enjoyed it greatly. i just sat and cuddled up next to her arm, and semi-cried. death cab will do that to you. went upstairs, tried talking to glenn although he was busy writing, so downloaded more music, listened to the postal service, got all depressed, painted a bit, probably cried a bit, and then, after listening to the song below, i fell asleep angry and depressed.
today, i woke up, went to seminary, stopped by and got chloe and myself some doughnuts, drove home, fell asleep, and at eleven something jordan banged open my door to tell me she was using my computer to play a video game. after two minutes of her loud clicking and shuffling, i kicked her out. surprisingly i fell back asleep though i wasn't tired, and woke up at one thirty seven to the best sound ever. i had been sleeping, and then all of a sudden, i hear loud winds and ivy smacking against my window. i open up my shutters, and there outside is a giant rain storm, and i just look at all the circles of water and hear the wind, and then i smiled and sat at my computer, looking outside. then, i listened to "scremo" probably the best term ever, and then, i went downstairs, ate some cereal, went back upstairs, and waited for the parents to come home. they rolled in, and then i got some money for the my chemical romance cd, but i got the new one so not all my songs were on it, and then i listened to that on the way home, and then i'm here.
i don't know what i'm doing tonight, i do know that i called colin sometime today to set up our introduction to emo and culture lunch/dinner, which will most likely be tomorrow. i can't really explain what's wrong with me, i'm not okay!!!, and i think it's sad that i miss glenn because i shouldn't rely on him so much, but it does sadden me that he's distant and has disappered. but i get that way with everyone don't i?
i miss my annie. and she only left for el paso today. sigh.

You are my chemical romance.

EARLY SUNSETS OVER MONROEVILLE
Late dawns and early sunsets, just like my favorite scenes
Then holding hands and life was perfect, just like up on the screen
And the whole time while always giving
Counting your face among the living

Up and down escalators, pennies and colder fountains
Elevators and half price sales, trapped in by all these mountains
Running away and hiding with you
I never thought they'd get me here
Not knowing you changed from just one bite
I fought them all off just to hold you close and tight

But does anyone notice?
But does anyone care?
And if I had the guts to put this to your head...
But would anything matter if you're already dead?
And should I be shocked now by the last thing you said?
Before I pull this trigger,
Your eyes vacant and stained...

But does anyone notice?
But does anyone care?
And if I had the guts to put this to your head...
And would anything matter if you're already dead?
And now should I be shocked by the last thing you said?
Before I pull this trigger,
Your eyes vacant and stained...
And in saying you loved me,
Made things harder at best,
And these words changing nothing
As your body remains,
And there's no room in this hell,
There's no room in the next,
And our memories defeat us,
And I'll end this direst.

But does anyone notice?
But does anyone care?
And if I had the guts to put this to your head...
But does anything matter if you're already dead?
And should I be shocked now by the last thing you said?
Before I pull this trigger,
Your eyes vacant and stained...
And in saying you loved me,
Made things harder at best,
And these words changing nothing
As your body remains,
And there's no room in this hell,
There's no room in the next,
But does anyone notice there's a corpse in this bed?

i am emotionally exaughsted. and it seems that all my stability has gone on an eternal coffee break. awesome. three cheers for being an emotionally unstable needy fag hag of a sixteen year old! woot!
if only i could go back in the past.
no more airplanes or speedtrains or freeways. there'd be no distance that could hold us back.

Eisley!

Click here to become a member of E-merge!

oh my gosh i wanted this too. and this is the last picture. of my pirate friend. probably more pictures later. i don't know.

yeah the lighting was really dark. at least you can see them. really cute couple. it was great, i was talking to meredith, the hottie on the right, and i mentioned something to which mereidth responded, "yeah you look really hot tonight. actually, i'm kind of getting a crush. no, i mean. it's just a little one." i laughed. because, who doesn't? i kid. there's a small society of people who don't think i'm hot. we're working on converting them though.

i HAD to put this up because of the look of extreme pain i am expressing. it's just too perfect. i HATED that dj for not playing my song. oh and the song was blitzkreig bop by the ramones. didn't play it until the effing end. UGH.

The jellyfish light intrigued me. i loved it. i wanted to steal it. i didn't, but i should've.

haha. anna simon decided to start taking pictures of me "modeling." i didn't really know what was going on until a while later, so really, these are me in my natural state. i'm not even kidding. oh and i'm really sweaty from all the dancing. it was insane. i was a dancing MANIAC after i got some caffeine in my system. true story, ask annie or caroline

MOVING ON: the senior party was a blast. sure, there were some drunk guys, and i got tired of that one kid who kept coming up and grinding into me. i didn't even know him and he wasn't hot! gosh. oh, and a major trend was flip flops with mini skirts and large 80's socks. i was like, all of you are so lame.

LUNCH. Well at least i know it's better then DC public schools food apparently it bites.

LUNCH LINE

i gave an inspiring speech. YES that's my vocabulary book. NO my speech wasn't from it. i wrote a rough draft earlier, then lectured courtney and annie, while standing on two chairs and a mysterious beetle fell down my shirt that i didn't see until lunch, which reminds me lunch pictures next, about the importance of being totally awesome like myself. it's so hard doing inspirational talks and trying to boost others self esteem. i kid. they already have high self esteem.

So, this is going to be the last picture from the school day i think. Oh wait no it's not. Courtney slept, yeah thanks a lot courtney, while i...

dun dun dun dun the walker dun dun dun dun!

we were playing with a geometry computer program. which ema, the other person half in the picture, screwed up. so walker had to help us.

oh wow. our school parking lot is so beautiful.

Driving the kids to school. i always feel like a soccer mom when i'm driving the group. like i'm driving a whole soccer team to a match, what with the screaming and asking for juice boxes.

On the way to school. We had to learn sometime. Unfortunately. At least we all had first period off. that was freaking awesome.

Nah, that's not futbol boy. but he was the only good one to look at since my boy kept on moving around! trying to sell shirts and stuff. after like, the fiftieth time he asked us he remarked, "aw man i keep for getting, i've already asked you guys like ten thousand times if you want to buy one... and you already have!" it was funnier if you were there.

Step team or whatever they were called performed. i wasn't really paying attention. i was seeing if there was such a thing as a st. marks punk rock boy. nope, doesn't exist. well. one that's totally adorable and stuff.

McDonalds week will be explained in a few pictures. It wasn't productive the last day, but it was worth it, because my futbol boy was there.

blurry i know. but i just thought everyone should know, this is officially the worst intersection ever. i'm not even kidding. ack. just thinking about it makes me shudder.

I want to feel you from the inside, i want to f--- you like an animal. my whole existance is flawed, you get me closer to god

Baby I've got the shovel, and I know that you've got the dirt, so c'mon, honey, let's get together and let's get down to work.

yeah, it's a little sexual tonight. sorry kids.
so, i was looking over old posts, the ones where i'd get like, five reviews, and i realized that the reason no one reviews anymore, or so i assume, is because i've just given up on life really. and i'm sorry about that. today was kind of a downer. kind of sucked a lot. family didn't help. i'm working on my mass capital state plot. we'll see how this turns out.
i wanted to finish my homework tonight, and i'm dead serious when i say this, but something was blocking me from writing my paper and studying for math. i wanted to apply myself SO BADLY but this stupid ADHD prevents me from getting anything done after the medicine wears off, and gosh dang it i just could NOT do it. and i got really frustrated really fast because of it.
i'm still at a loss for why that week and a half at the end of october through the beginning of november was so awesome. no, i'm not kidding. i was so effing happy. i just have no idea why that was. i wish i knew, i miss that giddy feeling i'd get all the time. it was an exciting feeling to have.
perhaps it's just a lack of love? je ne s'ai pas. i'm not saying i need a boyfriend to make me complete, i'm not saying that at all. i'm just saying that i don't feel love from my family right now, and friend love isn't the same, and so i just kind of want that feeling perhaps? i don't really know. i don't know a lot about me actually. i'm confusing myself so much.
deepest apologies to those of you who are not julia drama queen fans. i do not mean to act mellodramatic nor am i trying to behave like that. i actually wish and hope that i don't sound that way. i hate listening to people whine and therefore i hope i am not coming across that way.
if i could have anything to make me happy, if i could go anywhere and do anything and be with anyone, i'd probably go up to either new york city, boston, or chicago, and spend time wandering on the sidewalks of the big cities. i'd probably go to museums and look at artwork and sculptures and then i'd go see various parks and little vintage shops. and i'd go with whoever can make me happy. maybe i'd go by myself. maybe i'd go with annie or antoinette or glenn or caroline or or or... i don't know who! but i think that what i need right now is to leave this place. unfortunately that is not an option for the near future. i have to wait at least... seven bloody months. oh my gosh. shoot me now. all i can do is hope and pray that i get into the oxford program and city term. man i want to be in those programs SO BADLY. well. it's late. i should probably end this rant and go to bed.

I wish the world was flat like the old days
Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speedtrains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that can hold us back.

I LOVE YOU ALLIE! she made my day so much better.

I3eetlebum: julia!!!
Shootingstar0107: allie!
I3eetlebum: how are you my love?
Shootingstar0107: terrible
Shootingstar0107: you?
I3eetlebum: same
Shootingstar0107: awesome
I3eetlebum: heh
Shootingstar0107: margaret got her tongue pierced.
Shootingstar0107: mom's in jail
Shootingstar0107: i'm fantastic!
I3eetlebum: she went back???
Shootingstar0107: yeah. "wreckless driving."
I3eetlebum: oh man, i'm sorry
Shootingstar0107: mary and my dad are downtown trying to bail her out
Shootingstar0107: haha
I3eetlebum: thank god i didn't call mary then
I3eetlebum: i was about to call her and whine
Shootingstar0107: i think i've come to the point where i block everything out. yeah good idea she probably would've snapped or something
I3eetlebum: how are you with everything?
Shootingstar0107: mmmm... i don't know how i'm taking it
Shootingstar0107: i think what i'm doing is
Shootingstar0107: pushing myself deeper and deeper into isolation.
Shootingstar0107: i wear a lot of black. and i don't talk to the family as much. and i spend a lot more time writing and drawing. but other then that, i'm pretty much the same
I3eetlebum: are there friends at school who you can talk to?
Shootingstar0107: ummm kind of
Shootingstar0107: no not really because most of them are a little too caught up in their own dallas worlds
Shootingstar0107: the lack of hindi films doesn't help
I3eetlebum: :-(
Shootingstar0107: i know
I3eetlebum: we still have a date for this dilwale
Shootingstar0107: it's sas isn't it?
Shootingstar0107: sad
Shootingstar0107: oh YES
I3eetlebum: what about people at church?
Shootingstar0107: mmmm
Shootingstar0107: they don't really care i don't think
Shootingstar0107: meh it doesn't really matter. i'll just write it out i suppose. SIGH.
I3eetlebum: haha, and publish a novel at age 18, much like s.e. hinton's the outsiders
Shootingstar0107: YES
Shootingstar0107: that's the plan... HOW DID YOU KNOW?
I3eetlebum: because i'm that good
Shootingstar0107: dang it. i wish i were as good as allie.
I3eetlebum: and my angst is way jealous of your angst
Shootingstar0107: haha
Shootingstar0107: yeah everyone wishes they could pull off the dark eyes and black nails like i can. and the new CARTILADGE PIERCING
I3eetlebum: woooooohoooooooo
I3eetlebum: pictures?
Shootingstar0107: nah. not unless i steal mary's camera.
Shootingstar0107: hold on ONE SECOND and i'll find it
I3eetlebum: rawk
Shootingstar0107: nevermind she's out of BATTARIA
I3eetlebum: boourns
Shootingstar0107: boouurns?
Shootingstar0107: wha'?
I3eetlebum: simpsons reference that my friend john always says
I3eetlebum: i've never actually seen the episode
Shootingstar0107: haha
Shootingstar0107: that's awesome
Shootingstar0107: whoever said they were a wanker, cause they were better then most people, yeah well...
Shootingstar0107: i'm better than them. so there.
I3eetlebum: GreatClippership: Oh fuck a bunch of that business!
Shootingstar0107: haha
Shootingstar0107: HAHA
Shootingstar0107: was that in response to what i said? and who is GreatClippership?
I3eetlebum: yes, and clippership is matt woody
I3eetlebum: aka "wanker"
....
Shootingstar0107: i hate waiting
I3eetlebum: please don't keep me waiting
I3eetlebum: i can't hooooooold out
I3eetlebum: much longer
I3eetlebum: please don't keep me waiting
Shootingstar0107: wait what song is that?
I3eetlebum: i can't looooooove you
I3eetlebum: any stronger
I3eetlebum: olivia newton john
Shootingstar0107: OH YES
Shootingstar0107: please don't keep me waiting
Shootingstar0107: I CAN'T TAKE THIS KIND OF PAIN
Shootingstar0107: take me back... in your arms... once again
I3eetlebum: i watched that last weekend
Shootingstar0107: you know how you made a CD with just that song on it?
I3eetlebum: oh yeah
Shootingstar0107: yeah well margaret used to torture me by playing it over and OVER on the way home from school
I3eetlebum: oh i remember
Shootingstar0107: and now when i'm mad with the passanger, guess what we listen to? THAT'S RIGHT. olivia newton john
I3eetlebum: glad to have passed the legacy on
I3eetlebum: did she torture you with the huey lewis tapes as well?
Shootingstar0107: oh yes you have. oh yes i believe so
I3eetlebum: hehe
Shootingstar0107: man now you got that song stuck in my head
Shootingstar0107: i even posted some of the lyrics on my chatterboxxx
I3eetlebum: haha, sorry
Shootingstar0107: it's ok
Shootingstar0107: i've decided that everything which has an "x" in it will now have thre "x's"
Shootingstar0107: xxxanga. rice boxxx
Shootingstar0107: xxxavier
Shootingstar0107: sexxxy
I3eetlebum: good call
Shootingstar0107: boyzzz
Shootingstar0107: oh wait that's z
Shootingstar0107: woops
I3eetlebum: i'll forgive you

a winter song

someone explain why i feel this way please:
i get downstairs and sit at the library computer and stare at the screen. immediately, i click over to alans website and go to the music section. some of the songs i had downloaded onto my computer weren't on there anymore, like two years in five and a half minutes. so, i listen to a winter song. and for no apparent reason, i got all teary eyed. like, where did this come from? since when am i attached to alan saunders' music? i had all these odd flashbacks of sitting at my computer, talking with glenn about philosophy and stupid stuff and sorting through my pictures and listening to allll my music. and i got really depressed. i mean, i'm nostalgic about my old hardrive. is that possible? i mean, this is an all time low for me i guess. i just want everything back like it was.
colins party was fun. i don't want to go into full blast detail. i've thought about it and said so much to people it's not even worth the time it would take to type up. i'm feeling very cynical now i guess. maybe it's because for a few amazing weeks at the end of october and beginning of november, i was the most happy i had ever been in my entire life. and i don't know where it came from or why it left, but i wish it would come back. i sure as heck can't explain what caused it. i just know that every morning i would wake up with a smile on my face and that i was always laughing and people were like, "omgz julia you're glowing." yeah. julia's not glowing anymore. julia's not anymore. i feel like such a shell or something.
i swear this routine comes around every few weeks; julia crying about something, then stating how she just wants to curl up and die, and then whining about how hard life is when really she's got it easy and is having a blast.
we're not leaving for christmas.
i've lost hope in a lot of things.
i've given up on a boyfriend.
i've settled that now is obviously gods "let's spite julia time," and i'm just going to go along with the game i guess.
well this bites.

ok this is not the best picture of a sunset, but really it's just the road i care about. just the road. the prettier one will come later maybe.

and that is not cool

It has come to my attention that our Housekeeping staff is cleaning up messes they have not made. I'm asking that you be sensitive to a few particulars:
--Clean up your trash. This includes lunch trays, finished drinks, any and all trash. And this means in the lunch room after you've finished eating, in Tarry House, outside, any- and everywhere.
--Do not use glitter on posters. The glitter adds many hours of frustrating work cleaning the carpet, and that's not cool.
This should be an unnecessary conversation; please take care of this.
Many thanks.

Cathy Murphree

i have decided that older people trying to sound younger usually do not sound hip at all. in fact, they sound really stupid. except for mr. long, when he says like a lot and stuff. he does it with pizzaz. i like that. he's a keeper.

OK. this is by far the hottest picture of annie... ever.

Me and Antoinette with her porcelin dog. the picture was supposed to be a joke at the time, i forgot about what, but it turned out kind of cute...

Oh my gosh, annie looks so hot here. i mean, what's WITH the seductive poses? i just don't know.

Ok so this is at antos after her house party. you can tell it's late because my right eye (left eye in the picture, but it was MY RIGHT) is all blood shot and antos eyes are all watery. meh.

Ann ann at caroline's 16th birthday party. she so cute!

Whenever antoinette and i were at school august 14th, this picture was taken. but i don't know WHY we would be there. i mean, i still had my braces on...

Am i wrong on this one? gosh, i'm so confused...

here's the story i wrote during Y period. because Y stands for yawn. since it's an hour and twenty minutes of do-whatever-you-bloody-feel-like-doing-'cept-the-following-story-apparently:

It was one o'clock on a Thursday school day. i was sitting with my friends, annie, antoinette, caroline, and courtney. caroline was lying on the floor with me, both of us dipping our fingers into the jar of peanut butter caroline brought, both of us forgetting the no-food-in-the-academic-research-centre-policy, both of us working on the webassign due at 5 pm central time. suddenly, there was a slight knock* on the door as Mrs. Seaman**-- one of the librarians-- walked in. the familiar smirk on her cheap pink lipsticked face made me want to repeatedly kick her in the shins until she fell to the floor and we could jump over her body waving a flag of victory, emphatically high fiving and jumping around, peanut butter smeared all over our face and hands. "excuse me girls, but i believe you know that there is a no food policy here. i don't know who the perpetrators in this act were, but whoever took part in it, you and the food can leave this premicise." i stared wide mouthed at antoinette and caroline as i began packing up when i was interrupted by her shaky i-verbally-beat-up-kids-for-fun voice wandered through the air as she started talking to no one in particular, " i remember... this reminds me of a song (small laugh with mouth hidden behind hand) when i was a child (another laugh) about a, about a man who committed a crime. and the song was about the crumbs being clues to find him, and the village people (another great laugh) found the perpetrator lying in the gutter with rum (laughs) rum soaked all over his body. so just remember that story. gosh, i forgot all about that..." she stated, her voice slowly wandering away along with it's source. the whole time she told that story, we all surpressed laughter. i couldn't contain it though, and ended up laughing the whole time, wide eyed and wondering where in the world this was coming from. as caroline and i left the ARC, peanut butter in hand, all i could think about was wanting to break the rules again, so maybe another crazy lady can tell another crazy story about a crazy man soaked in rum and crumbs.

and that's what you get when you mix julia with fifteen minutes of free time. a worthless story, but it was hillarious. oh yes, the stars.
*- actually, she didn't lightly knock. she more like slammed the door open and freaked EVERYBODY out.
**- yes, it is pronounced how it is spelled. SEA-men. that is such an unfortunate name.

Boy, one day you'll be a man. Girl, he'll help you understand.

i've given into peer pressure. thusly, i will post one. ONE. ONE poem. and though i don't like most of it, i like the ending in a certain sense. i don't even think it's a poem. it's just a thing.

isn't water amazing? How it glides down your body and the way it makes your hair look. how little droplets run down your chest stomach and legs, finally dropping off your toes. how it makes up so much of our bodies and we must drink it to survive. how it cleans things and reflects things and magnifies things. how it relaxes us and makes us think. perhaps the reason water falling over our bodies is so relaxing to us is because we've got so much of it inside us that the feeling of it pouring over us makes us forget the shell we live in and thereby feel free.

there. gosh dang it. i'll regret this tomorrow morning. the random things i do at midnight. mind you, this isn't edited ok. so yes it's rough. is it coherent? i don't know. does it sound good? i don't know. i'm half asleep. there you are.

Ohh, ahh
i would die for you
i would die for you
i've been dying just to feel you by my side
to know that you're mine.
i will cry for you
i will cry for you
i will wash away your pain with all my tears
and drown your fear

i will pray for you
i will pray for you
i will sell my soul for something pure and true
someone like you
see your face every place that i'm walking
hear your voice everytime that i'm talking
you will believe in me
and i will never be ingored

i would burn for you
feel pain for you
i will twist a knife and bleed my aching heart
and tear it apart
i will lie for you
beg and steal for you
i will crawl on hands and knees until you see
you're just like me

violate all the love that i'm missing
throw away all the pain that i'm living
you will believe in me
and i can never be ignored

i would die for you.
i would kill for you.
i will steal for you.
i'd to time for you.
i will wait for you.
I'd make room for you.
i'd sail ships for you.
to be close to you.
to be part of you.
cause i believe in you.
i believe in you.
i would die for you.

hello sunshine... come into my life.

this week at school was the most stressful i've had this year. you can tell just by looking at my effing face. moving on.
i'm not even going to bother with random frivolities of the school day. ok, maybe like one or two. antoinette and i were sitting with our hands behind our heads during a free period passing back random phrases, which continued on when we went to advisory. some classics: "i wonder if bill gates wakes up with a smirk on his face," "why buy orange tile?" "horses are fuzzy," etc. i forgot a lot of them. maybe you had to be there...
so yesterday after school i went home and like, ten minutes afterwards i find out the families going to see the incredibles! YES! so, i bid glenn goodbye and trekk to the theatre. the movie was fun if you count me running back and forth between the concession stand and our family fun. the popcorn and coke was really good. well, what i had of it. anyway, so after the movie, we were herded to double dip where jordan took my shake so really i just sat there and talked with whoever was talking to me. we left and i packed and left with mary to go house sitting. i wanted to watch office space but mary's all, "no! they have titanic, i never saw it!" and i'm like, "uhh! it's terrible!" but she forces me to let her so i order some chinese delivery and they don't tell me the total and we start the movie. it was freaking terrible and i loved it. my favourite line? ohh let's see... right before they're about to have sex in the car in the basement of the boat, her going, "put your hands on me jack." i don't think i've ever laughed so hard in my entire life. the total for the food was twenty three something. some rediculous amount of money. i was upset but i think mary was more so. i was gonna go skinny dipping (alone of course, no boys were invited) but the pool thing was there and i am FREAKED out by those. also mary said the water was freezing. i was disappointed to say the least. we finished the movie at about twelve forty five and i teach myself how to play some classical music piece on the piano and finally mary yanks me into bed and so i sleep. she leaves at seven thirty and i've got the house to myself. unfortunately at nine forty five the painter guy knocks on the door and wakes me up and then i couldn't fall back asleep. so i cleaned up, fed the dog, ate a cinnamon roll and orange juice (SO GOOD) and then i left. it was enjoyable.
so now, i am listening to music and waiting for my dad to go get his hair cut. at pauls. my hairs gross and i feel gross, but i'm too lazy to shower. that's so lame i know. leaving leaving leaving.

I don't know when this picture was taken. i have no idea whatsoever. i like it, antoinette doesn't like how she looks. i think it's adorable, but whatever. oh, and i posted something earlier today. so scroll down and read it.

and for some reason, this had to make it in the select few. i don't remember why. it was possibly because i was driving antoinette home, but i can't really remember.

antoinette and i. shirt buttons still all the way up. and my teeth are gross. better than braces. but not perfect.

this is during advisory, i remember that much. we were filling forms out for some reason. for some reason, i thought i should wink for the camera, an incredibly obvious and terrible wink.

Yeah, we're too hot for school and we know it. especially when i've got my aviators AND my shirt buttoned up all. the way. to the. TOP. oh yeah. and annie, you need to use that face in pictures more often. 's hot.

and the lovely and glorious school year begins. my locker does not look like this anymore.

thanks caroline, for taking this picture. i think it's funny that annie looks all sultry. ha ha, and that she looked like that in every picture from that day.

Moving towards the end of summer, i just got my braces off but only have my temporary retainer. AKA my teeth look like an effing chipmunks. i kid you not.

There's all of us. except, i hate my teeth. antoinette and annie look really really pretty though. seriously guys. gorgeous.

OK moving on to antoinette and sisters' house party. that night i slept over. i remember because it was a freaking blast. oh, and so did annie. we ate junk food and almost died from the sodium intake and i don't remember the other funny thing we did, but it was AWESOME.

This was antoinette and i at burger house. it was our last RAK thing together, and we were with sr. arandia and everyone. it was fun. i've got a bunch of chocolate syrup in my mouth though, thus the chocolate shake in my hand.

we'll start with the oldest photos and move up to the newest. i can't get over how clear our skin is in this picture. annie, that's totally hot. well, here i still had braces. it was at the finding nemo dance, which sucked really. that was freshman year. yeaaahh...

from chasing all the ants and worms

it's finally cold here and i couldn't be more excited. i never wear my sweatshirt, unless i'm inside oddly enough, and it's freaking awesome. anytime i drive somewhere i roll down all the windows and i don't wear gloves or a sweatshirt or anything and i just let my fingers get purple and numb with cold and i let my hair get insane tangly from wind and i totally have been blasting ozma a lot recently.
i went running for about an hour tonight. it was already dark, the sun had completely set, and my parents actually let me go by myself. i ran and ran like a maniac. i don't know where i got the endurance for it, i guess i just really needed to run, because i don't know how far i went or where to, i just went where my feet took me. i ran through sprinklers and enjoyed the pleasent feeling of my hot skin with the cool night air.
i don't think you could ask for better weather. i cannot wait until it gets colder and darker and the leaves start turning fiery colours. this is freaking awesome.
i don't have much else to say. sunday night colin came over and we watched darkness falls, which was enjoyable enough. monday after school bess, caroline, and i went to my fencing pizza party, which, instead of the coaches giving moving speeches, was for tournament announcements. so, i dropped caroline off at school and bess and i departed to eckards and such and i got a freaking awesome raptar key ring. but she got in trouble cause we didn't call and people were out looking for her and everything. but it was so worth it. it was freaking awesome.
i've been cheating on you ever since we broke up
i've been dreaming about you ever since i woke up