a winter song

someone explain why i feel this way please:
i get downstairs and sit at the library computer and stare at the screen. immediately, i click over to alans website and go to the music section. some of the songs i had downloaded onto my computer weren't on there anymore, like two years in five and a half minutes. so, i listen to a winter song. and for no apparent reason, i got all teary eyed. like, where did this come from? since when am i attached to alan saunders' music? i had all these odd flashbacks of sitting at my computer, talking with glenn about philosophy and stupid stuff and sorting through my pictures and listening to allll my music. and i got really depressed. i mean, i'm nostalgic about my old hardrive. is that possible? i mean, this is an all time low for me i guess. i just want everything back like it was.
colins party was fun. i don't want to go into full blast detail. i've thought about it and said so much to people it's not even worth the time it would take to type up. i'm feeling very cynical now i guess. maybe it's because for a few amazing weeks at the end of october and beginning of november, i was the most happy i had ever been in my entire life. and i don't know where it came from or why it left, but i wish it would come back. i sure as heck can't explain what caused it. i just know that every morning i would wake up with a smile on my face and that i was always laughing and people were like, "omgz julia you're glowing." yeah. julia's not glowing anymore. julia's not anymore. i feel like such a shell or something.
i swear this routine comes around every few weeks; julia crying about something, then stating how she just wants to curl up and die, and then whining about how hard life is when really she's got it easy and is having a blast.
we're not leaving for christmas.
i've lost hope in a lot of things.
i've given up on a boyfriend.
i've settled that now is obviously gods "let's spite julia time," and i'm just going to go along with the game i guess.
well this bites.