i am not writing this for anyone and i'm not worried that the person this is about will read it and take it to heart. i foolishly gave my heart away. i didn't know it at the time, but i did it. it was silly and childish of me the way i behaved, and i'm not even postitive he's that great of a guy. my opinion keeps changing you see. anyway. i talked with serge about it, told him almost the whole story, and he told me, last night on my boycotting of sleep, that i have been played. that i finally felt special and i had been played. when i read this, i knew what he said was true. i was listening to Gretchen Ross on repeat and the song combined with the knowledge and englightenment i'd just received caused me to break down and cry; let me get my anger out. all night i thought about it, and by sunrise i was calm. only until a few minutes ago did i think about it again. i think i have come to accept the fact, and hopefully i'll be able to forget everything. i'm just upset that i was stupid and clingy and foolish and i thought irrational thoughts. i hope i didn't hurt any of my friends or annoy them, and if i did i'm sorry.
When i was with my dad in the international pancake house, an old lady cut in front of the huge line that had formed. this place is a very busy place you see. she told the young man working at the desk that she wanted him to put her down, rose i believe was the name, for one. just her. no one else stood by her side. i looked at her crinkly withering hand as it stood by her side alone and wondered if she had always been this way; without someone to share her life with. i wondered if she had married a nice young boy in the 1950's and if they had glorious memories together and i wondered if he had died in a heroic way, and if all of their memories together were running around in her mind. she interrupted my thoughts though, to try and request a booth seat as well. for one person. this my rose; she made me smile that day with her seemingly crazy requests and the curiosity she made me feel.
i am not quite sure what childish conclusions i have formed about society and capitalism and relationships and emotions. i don't know if i'm even sure of what i think or if i even know if it's valid or not. last night i debated and discussed many of these topics with glenn and serge. the way glenn viewed life fascinated me because, as he said, it was truely binary. emotion wasn't envolved, humanity wasn't, it was simply that he tore everything off down to the bone. i wanted to agree with what he said because his points were very valid, but when i said them to myself they just sounded so selfish that... that i felt like a jerk for believing them. it was crazy. serge talked with me about relationships, friendships, and how true friendships are gained, what they are made of. society and capitalism however, those i will save for another day.
people ask me if i think that having a boyfriend or a husband or a man or whatever you want to say will make me feel whole. i don't know the answer. on one hand, i know that i could very well live a nice corprate life, living in a pent house in new york and working very hard and partying with the girls on weekends. but the other part of me thinks about the completion i would feel, and though i know i am complete now, a man would make me more whole? i mean is this possible? that either way i'm whole, i would just rather choose having a guy then living alone? i don't know if i'm even making sense now, my eyes are starting to blur and go out of focus.
i enjoy ranting and raving, maybe too much. i would maybe find it boring to read, but perhaps this is a selfish thing. perhaps i'm just doing this for me, so i can go back to it in later years and recall the things i thought, which could maybe change me or affect me in later years. this i do not know.
i know that i have not been the best friend; i have shirked christmas and birthday gifts, i haven't gone to all my friends' activities, i've proabably said mean stuff. i'm working on those baked goods annie, it's all in a matter of time. i'm working on repaying everyone else too. i'm sorry i've made you wait so long, i just want you to know i'll pay you back for everything you've done someday.
my last little rift of random phrases and words is the following. many days i wake up in a groggy cloudy state of mind. i go through the day, and when, at four twenty, i drive up to my house, i look at our now rusting mail box. i think, did i get a letter from someone? did i get anything? there usually isn't ever anything. but almost everyday, i sit and wonder if people ever sit and wonder about how sending a package to me or sending me a letter could change my life and i wonder if those wondering about me wonder why i'm wondering all this. this makes so much more sense when you're going on 42 hours of no sleep.
I don't wanna be alone
1 comment:
Surely you must know, Julia, that not giving us presents, not coming to "activities", etc. doesn't make you a bad friend. Don't worry; I'd let you know if it did.
Post a Comment