Seven Swans.

Oh my goodness do I ever feel drained. I know that every semester I say something along the lines of "this is the most challenging semester ever." but i think this one could very well be. if not number one, its at least number two. because so much stuff is going on all the time. not necessarily academically, i'm getting by just fine academically, but mostly just personal life. family and friends and health and guys being jerks and girls being jerks and kelsey getting married and me not being able to go and nothing really working out like it should.
maybe some semester everything will just go PERFECTLY and i'll be blown away and life will be perfect. but i'm banking on probably not. so i'll just prepare myself now. but plenty of good happens all the time. let's focus on the good:
heidi kept me company as i got a late night fix of some frozen yogurt.
kelsey and i got chipotle for dinner together and she kindly paid for me. (i'm spoiled, i know).
i had lunch with jacob k. and got to vent A LOT.
talked with my mom.
mom got a facebook.
listened to sufjan and florence & the machine all day.
i got half of my room cleaned up.
i'm done with school for the rest of the weekend.
tomorrow is cait's fall party.
i get paid tomorrow (even though it won't be very much).
i get to go to paris for christmas. but more importantly, i get to see my sorella, margaret.
i go home (even though its for follow up testing) in less than one week.
i get to sleep in AS LONG AS I WANT tomorrow. first time in ages.
so those are all positive and great things. and after thinking about all of them i feel much lighter. even though people are still mean and selfish and break hearts, there is still some good out there. right?
it's just such a weird thing. i spent all summer thinking this semester would turn out a certain way. i felt like i knew what was going to happen. i had a whole idea, a whole vision planned out. and it's just so weird because not only did it go wrong, it went horribly wrong. i do this all the time, idealizing things. and that's not to say that great things haven't happened this semester. obviously wonderful things have happened. but everything i felt would go right most certainly didn't. i didn't find love, almost all my family moved away, friendships fell apart (although unlikely ones were strengthened). i didn't have crazy roommates (i'm not complaining) like i thought i would. i haven't studied or exercised like i thought i would. test results came out way differently than i expected. i didn't adapt to medications as well as i thought i would. etc. etc. etc. you know? everything is changing. but i don't feel the same. i feel different every day. ohhh, you know what it must be? it must be that its fall. once it starts melting into winter that's when the real concern should rise. because year after year i always get sad in winter. the days are so short and its so cold out and i always feel isolated and weird and alone. and i always attribute this to being single, but that's not really fair, because i can make myself however happy or sad i want.
it's like kurt cobain says. i miss the comfort in being sad.
sure that may sound angsty but i'll take it for now. because maybe i'm just in that kind of a mood.!
oh sometimes i am just too moody for my own good.