yeah it's been a while. summer is always slower on the updating side because i have 1000 times more of a life. i've hung out with antoinette a lot... watched some movies, lounged at her house, etc. i started watching the series desperate housewives (yeah, i know i'm like 8 years late on that bandwagon). a week ago antoinette and i went to see our friend katie-beth (now katharine) in the dallas theater company's production of CABARET. it was scandalous, of course, and full of drunk lushes, but the singers were quite good and they put on a good show. we got to talk to some survivors from the holocaust era, both around 90 years old or so. afterwards we got to go out for drinks and food and such with some of the cast, and then antoinette, kb, and i all went dancing and bar hopping and whatever else there is to do downtown like meeting a nice 32 year old real estate something or other who buys taco cabana for everyone. that kind of stuff. it was fun!
so now i'm down to the two week mark before i virtually move to new york and try and survive. to be honest, i'm kind of scared. the last big city i lived in was paris and i had a schedule every day, or at least a road map to my future. but my goals for new york are big ones, and i'm obviously very afraid of failure. my mom has expressed many, many times her fear of me dying an early death. as a redhead i basically have every recessive gene from both my parents so any recessive diseases or whatever, I GET. sometimes i just feel like a bag of diseases walking around you know, just waiting to implode, i swear i do.
anyway, in new york, i'm supposed to address all my shortcomings. i'm supposed to make significant life changes, i'm supposed to and want to piece together my sister's happiness again. i want to go on adventures and learn to jog and do yoga regularly. i want to become the social person i once was and regain my personality because sometimes i really do look in the mirror and just don't recognize myself anymore. it's weird how depression can affect you. and how in denial you can be about a significant disease. and how many people don't believe it exists.
i've had so much fun being home. i've been able to hang out with jordan and zach, run errands for my mom (and hopefully lighten her load a little bit). i've gotten to hang out with friends and even got to go to  hawaii, and i've had such a good time. but i'm not sure what i'm even doing with my life anymore. i've just been coasting for sooooo long. next semester, this fall semester, is going to be suuuuch a bummer. MORNING is leaving me, and everyone i know is going on a mission or getting married, seriously, or graduating from college, or whatever but what i'm trying to say is i'm not looking forward to this fall but i want to and that's what's important.
i'll upload photos later. the computer is being dumb.
i'm afraid i'll miss my mom and dad and brother and sister greatly. i know i'll be with another sibling, and that it will be fun, but what can i say. i'm the most spontaneous routined person with excessive creature comforts.

events of this weekend/ week so far:
- us giving my mom the worst mothers day of her life
- watching a swedish vampire movie AND easy a with antoinette in one night
- the cockroach that would not die
- saving a lizard
- planning my trip to new york
- deciding next summer i have to go to greece, croatia, turkey, and possibly italy.

etc. etc. i will write a real post later but i have to get some real sleep

yeah... i haven't updated in a long time.
i finally got home. i made it. life is crazy.
i was able to celebrate my birthday here in dallas. the day of my actual birthday was pretty stressful because we had to move all these medical files from my dad's old workplace. if you've ever had to move medical files let me tell you... they are heavy and cumbersome. afterwards we ate at patrizio's, with margaret, who had just flown in from paris. oh but before we ate there, my mom, me, margaret, and jordan all got pedicures.
then my mom made me a cake and i got some pretty insanely awesome presents.
then mary got in super late and we all went to bed because we had an early morning flight.
our driver the next day was so funny, he was laughing the whole way to the airport and he even sang happy birthday to my grandpa with us all on speakerphone.
the plane ride to hawaii was long, for a few reasons. first of all, the movies sucked. second of all, it's way longer than i expected. and third, they don't serve food on that flight, even though it's 8 hours or so. you have the option of buying food but BLAH, whatever, who wants to pay $500 for a sandwich? no one.
also, my uncle randall and aunt mary joined us on the trip because we had room for like, 12, and they were on the plane, too.
maui was awesome. it was beautiful and the little city we stayed near, lahaina, was so cute. the beach was insanely nice and there were hammocks and pools all over the place. i really liked swimming in the ocean. even though the idea of sharks was terrifying, i really grew accustomed to swimming against the waves. there is something so insane and wonderful about seeing a giant wave looming over you and just jumping with it and letting yourself be dragged under. i also wore goggles and we took pictures with an underwater camera. can't wait for those to be developed.
most days were lazy. we all looked so... vague. our hair was crazy, our skin was always in one of four stages: 1. impossible to sleep on 2. really badly burnt 3. peeling 4. blistered
we drank pepsi we brought over from the mainland, did puzzles, watched random movies on tv, laid by the pool, laid by the ocean, laid in hammocks. some nights or afternoons we would go into the little town that looked like an adorable fishing village, and would grab some food, walk along the pier, and take photos.

obviously borrowed from pacific travel guides.

 it was just cute and colorful. the trees roots never seemed to end, people were chill. they would just all yell mahalo and hang ten. ALL THE TIME. as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

one day we did a roadtrip to hilo, this city on the other side of the island. the drive was pretty long because the road was very small and it wound itself around incredibly thick shrubbery and jutting ocean rocks and such things.

we visited a few other local towns. one night we ordered pizza. most days we just relaxed.

my cousin carolyn flew into town for a few days. she's been living in hawaii for a long time due to a messy divorce and so i haven't seen her in a reaaaaallly long time. so it was funy catching up with her again, too. 

at the end of the week, mary flew back to new york. the rest of us flew to honolulu to see pearl harbour. it was very intense. they show a very emotional video before you get on the ferry to see the USS arizona. after that, the whole thing becomes very real. the ship, essentially a tomb for the some odd 1,000 or so men who died inside the ship, is still leaking oil to this day. i asked the volunteer about it. there were 100 million canisters of oil when the ship sank. roughly 50 million have already bled out. he also mentioned that the ship is rusting, and will, within the next 100 years, fall apart. when that happens, all the oil will spill into the sea. they have ideas of how to control the spillage. we all wanted to know thy they don't just build a sort of plexiglass thing to keep it in, so it doesn't desinigrate and destroy the ocean. but whatevs, what am i, a scientist?

honolulu was very different from maui. very very VERY big and urbanized compared to maui. it was like LA but nicer and with better shrubbery. the mountains in ohau were gorgeous, of course, but the buildings blocked a majority of them. i had a fun time in honolulu but got really emotional towards the end of the trip. not sure why that happened, i think perhaps it was delayed reaction from the personal and emotional semester i had just experienced. i felt like a big failure because all my friends are graduating and here i am, denied from the major of my choice, trying to figure out how much more time it will take me to graduate.

then we all came home. we hung out with margaret for a few days before she had to head back to paris where her dog and boyfriend are waiting for her. the last night she was there, we watched HP7P1 which she hadn't seen before, and then stayed up until 5 am. we found the funniest videos and had a great time laughing and catching up. saying goodbye the next day was hard because it felt just like it used to, and when that finally happened, she had to leave the country.

anyway, now it's just me, mom, dad, jordan, and zach. it's a handful for sure. i really want to help my parents as much as a i can while i'm here. i take jordan and zach to school, pick them up as often as i can. i try to help my mom run errands and stuff. it's hard balancing time knowing antoinette will be going to med school in july and i'll be going to new york through june and july, so really this month of may is the only one we have to hang out together. 

it's been weird not hanging out with morning. i miss her. 

texas is hot. i went to the dermatologist today UGH bad news for me. more medication, this time, a very aggressive one that will force me to make unwanted lifestyle changes.

the other day antoinette and i got mi cocina and then went shopping at northpark. typical dallas day. i got a mother's day present and some other stuff. 

didn't celebrate cinco de failure because plans didn't work out. 

anyway, that's about all i've got. that's a pretty good method of catching up. my brother cut his hair today. me and my parents saw something borrowed which i really enjoyed. the main guy was cute. looked like what tom cruise should have looked like, in a perfect world. 

anyway, i HAVE GOT to sleep. i'm falling asleep standing up. 

i can't wait for the summer, though. i can feel good and important changes coming my way. i feel a re-identification of myself and my former enthusiasm for life. maaaah sleep now.