LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT.

i'm not really that mad, just a little sad is all. first of all, let me preface this with the fact that this week was really challenging, exhausting, and all around stressful. A lot of papers were due this week and i know a lot of tests are coming up. i have yet to even buy my books for some of my classes! what the heck self. i gotta get my act together. also, super stressed and freaking out about the advertising thing. if i don't get in... not only will i feel like i've failed myself, but i'll be embarrassed and not know really what to do.
anyway, i, of course, have been reading over old journal entries. story of my life. this is a good and bad thing. i like reading over them because i go into SUCH detail about the events of my life, i literally feel like i've walked into my past. i mean, suddenly i remember everything-- how i felt about who and what they did to me and why things ended and started and so on and so on.
anyway, so antoinette is done with school at notre dame and i've been calling her a lot lately. i'm not sure why, i just miss her, i didn't see her much over break and i didn't see her much over the summer, and besides, i just like talking to her. she's my friend after all. so i was looking over journals from 2001, which were hilarious, and then i was looking over journals from 2006 when we all went to germany together. it was so funny because all these events that had happened, all these weird restaurants or bars we had forgotten we went to, and it was just fun to reminisce.
so i sat on the floor of my room and poured over all these things, just laughing to myself about all the things that had happened. and i came to a conclusion. 1. i've had a pretty cool life and 2. i should really stop expecting things from people. i also got annoyed because i read this entry that talks about this friend of mine and i. it said that they told me that soon, eventually, i would forget the details and i would forget about them, and it would never be the same. i was annoyed, unbelievably so, but reading this. because it was not me who forgot but it was them. i tried, i really did, to keep things the way they were. but they forgot. they forgot everything we did together, all our jokes, how insanely and incredibly close we were. and that bothers me. it bothers me because a part of me thinks they have misunderstood my intentions ever since, and it bothers me because i have yet to have a friendship that close and unbelievable since. and they were right, they were right all along. its just like that camp thing, you know, in the movies when the kids are like, "i'll write to you EVERY DAY. promise me you won't forget, promise me you won't forget how much fun we had this summer!" and then of course you know they go home and for a week, maybe even two, they are melancholy. but school starts and they see their old friends, and before you know it, those old camp friends are a vague memory, to be chuckled at and thought fondly of, but not contacted, not called.
i hate that kind of stuff! i really do!
i don't think reading catcher in the rye helps. for one thing it makes me want to say the most ridiculous things all the time. it's so incredible, it really is, it's like it was written from my brain. talking about all the phonies in the world and talking about feeling blue, just feeling really depressed, and wandering around and doing crazy things, trying to find old friends and have a good time but everyone you talk to just doesn't get it and they just think you are crazy! and you know, having the potential but not the drive because everyone around you is so damn phony! do you know what i mean? that's the kind of thing he says in the book, and it's exactly how i feel. i'm in the epicentre of phony-ness. seriously! i'm going to dress like i'm humble and innocent and blah blah blah but inside... i really think i'm better than you. i feel like i'm taking crazy pills! all the time!
anway, i should stop rambling. i mean, i really am rambling. i just hold a lot of frustration within me right now. my muscles are sore, so sore, from my ballet class. i love it to pieces, i really do, but boy does it make you wish you had a masseuse or a boyfriend.
so here is what i've been thinking. i think i really want to go on a study abroad to berlin. i've never been to berlin, and i really do want to work on enhancing my german. we'd also get to travel to some super fun places. like prague, which would be so cool, and strasbourg and salzburg and stuff like that. i mean really, it would be a blast. so i could do that program, and antoinette and i could go backpacking through europe before hand. sound fun? i think so! if i could save up enough, i think it would be so worthwhile. we talked last night. croatia, austria or germany, spain, southern france. amsterdam? the possibilities are endless. i really hope i can get a job and save up enough. here's hoping!
so other than all that.... not much is going on in my life. i need to find new housing because my room has to be remodeled to fit the "school's standards." yeah ok. it's great because i finally found a place i like living with roommates i actually like aaaaand i have to move! cool life. cool. life. i hate moving. i'm so sick of moving the idea of doing it again makes me want to vomit.
so those literally ARE all the things i've been thinking about.
i'm in the process of making a killer playlist for my friend ludwig. i'm jealous of my own mix, that's how good it is.
aaaand i'm done. gotta finish this before my computer shuts down again! number of times it shut down in the middle of me posting = 4.

TONIGHT:

girls night. charlie st. cloud (don't judge me), italian food, gossip. morning and i just get along so well, its great. i cleaned pretty much all of my room tonight, which is quite an excellent feat if you ask me. FINALLY unpacked from christmas (don't judge me, again). 

had french class and shakespeare class today. kind of gazed off during both of them, daydreaming and the like, but they're good classes and i enjoy both teachers immensely. i'm honestly thinking about doing a study abroad in berlin this fall. it's a difficult decision. i'll miss my friends a lot. i'll miss angela getting back from her mission and study abroads are always vaguely hard with all the homesickness and such. but i've never been to berlin and we would go to so many cool cities! prague and poland and dresden and salzburg and strasburg! which also is really close to fraaaance. and is also really close to freiburg, i think, which would be really fun to see ludwig again. 

i don't know. i've got a week or so to think about it before applications are due. i don't know if my parents are fully sold on the idea. maybe i should wait another year after i've gotten some of my advertising classes out of the way?

anyway, i better go. girls night starts soon. 

i honestly should be doing my french/ shakespeare homework, but tonight i'm just not finding the motivation. all DAY today i haven't had the motivation.
this weekend i went to los angeles. it was super fun. the weather was perfect pretty much every day. i went to the beach twice... venice beach and some random beach in malibu. it was beautiful. i went to the beach in malibu after visiting the getty villa. it was an incredible moment in time... dolphins (literally) were jumping close to shore. the sun was beating against my shoulders. i felt happy and beautiful. i went to some USC parties and made some friends, lost some friends, and then came back to utah. where it's freezing and not nearly as friendly or joyful. but today was eventful. i talked with my roommate heidi, went to in n' out to celebrate melinda's decemberists day with her and daniel, got home, sat and thought, talked with my mom and dad, went to a friend's mission farewell, had a good talk with dan, hung out with him and the jacobs for a while, went home. talked with parents. thought about study abroad. thought about getting a job.
this semester... homework is just not working out for me. i have no motivation to do it. what's my deal? i'm not even taking that many classes but i still have no motivation to do anything. i actually googled "how to get motivated to do your homework." that had some valid ideas on there, but it's all do tomorrow and my brain feels too foggy right now. so foggy.
i submitted my application to advertising. knowing my luck i won't get in, but it's something i'm really passionate about. so i really hope i do. also i would be really embarrassed if i were 1/3 of the people denied. i put a lot of work into that application.
anyway, that's all for now. i should probably say other things but i'm feeling kind of empty right now.

it has been too long since i've updated. finals kind of got ahold of me and then me getting home was very complicated and i was really only there for a few hours (long enough to eat at mi cocina) and then hop on a flight to paris. it was very surreal. everything was very surreal. getting off the plane and smelling it. the pastries at paul, the RER with the same ads, the countryside, the sounds of the city, everything. europe is just so intoxicating. it really is. my trip was awesome. we had a lot of bad luck (dad's wallet got stolen, i got sick on Christmas eve, etc) but it was still great having the whole family together again.
So after a brief stint home, I am back in freaking Utah. Let me just say this has the potential to be one of my most depressed semesters yet. All of my classes are crazy challenging and I'm thinking I'll just have to postpone Japanese because it's too hard to deal with right now. I will miss all the cute guys in my class though. That's a bummer. But its not like I'm trying to make friends this semester anyway, right? I've kind of settled on the fact that guys are superior to girls, that loyalty doesn't exist here, and that me attempting to be attractive is a fruitless and ridiculous endevour because I am just not what guys are looking for. I'm not fishing for compliments or looking for a hand on my shoulder, I'm just venting.
Also my ballet class is amazing.