boy oh boy.

Boy. Boy oh boy. I am in a suuuuper weird mood today. And i'm not sure what i think about it. i'm feeling quite a few emotions. i went to lunch with kelsey and aaron today (to mi ranchito, which was better than i remember it being). it was fun to reminisce and it almost felt like we weren't in utah. which was fun. i need to get out of here soon, i feel like my brain is melting in. i got super crazy pumped up for some reason, so we went to the mall and walked around and looked at cute clothes and make-up and i daydreamed i had money. which, as it turns out, i so don't. i have 28 dollars.
then i went home. i went home and i sat down for an hour looking up apartments. apartment hunting here is like carefully slicing off your face and laying it down on a road and then having a race of bikers drive over it. i hate it. i hate searching and searching with another person is even more impossible. i feel really bad, i ended up signing a contract for spring/ summer and fall/winter without kelly. well, i'll probably sign it tomorrow or some such thing. but i have a place in mind. i'm really hoping one of the condos opens and we can at least be neighbors.
after that i ran to melinda's house, ran to my house, and we ran to zumba. i love zumba. today we got to put on belly dancing jingling skirt type things. it was soooooooooo awesome. i love working out with zumba. its just fun.
after THAT i went home and i cooked myself up some dinner. and then i watched a little north and south. and then i thought about how i wish i documented my life in a cooler way. i wish i took more pictures (or at least that i had a good camera). i wish i had the drive to do stuff i love slash i wish i had access to all the tools i would need.
and another wish, i wish i could see the future.
what else? i'm trying this thing called intuitive eating. let's see how this goes. i see my family in 2.5 weeks and i cannot wait. seriously, i can't. i've so needed this.

sorry for the angst post. hopefully, this week will be better. tonight was pretty therapeutic. went to see this awesome korean movie (go home or find home or something?) which totes magotes made me cry. then daniel creepily found us leaving the theater and of course whispered something behind us and terrified us. then we got cafe rio and went to my place and chatted. it was nice. it was a nice distraction from my thoughts. ah well, church in the morning. i really should sleep.

i'm in one of those moods were i don't want to see anyone i've met in the past three years ever again. i miss going home to parents and certainty and i miss being able to trust people. and i miss single friends, and being able to rely on people. and i'm mad at all the guys who are out right now who can't find time to write anymore. and i hate wintertime and i hate feeling lonely and i hate how my brain works. i just want to go home. i just want to leave.

oh tuesdays.

sometimes i wonder why i even write here. its not as if anyone really reads it but me. oh well, its good for me to look back on, i suppose. so that in five years i can be like, "i was CRAZY."
annoying things:
- i don't have a job
- the dog ate my retainer
- no letters
- midterms
- needing to buy groceries
- working really hard and never losing weight
- kelsey graduating in two months
- antoinette not visiting
- it not being march
not-so-annoying things:
-

HAPPYYYY TUEESDAYYYY!

happy things

I watched Stardust tonight. It didn't make me as sad as i thought it would, which is good i guess. Something is keeping me boosted and happy throughout the day. it was a pretty productive sunday, i'd say. i made a wall of happiness. this is something i think everyone should do. i just put tons and tons of things that make me happy. here they are:
aquariums
the oregon coast
sunshine
wind in the trees
my family
prayer
jacob
strawberry shortcake
sanibel island
lillies
random sleepovers at the mortensen's
going to the temple
paris in the summer and fall
bare feet
doves
antoinette
kelsey -- LOTR, food, BFFS
snow flurries
eating at cait's
picnics
car roofs
helping
someone making breakfast for me
a clean room, all fresh smelling
aunt carol
the scriptures
riding in the passenger seat
watercoloring
mexican food
the unicorns
splitting a sundae with one spoon
doing what your mom would be proud of you for doing
sitting cross legged telling secrets
learning about another person
that feeling of liking someone and them actually liking you back
cuddling
being chased (playfully)
ice cream on a summer day
sundresses
laying by the pool
working hard for your own money
trusting someone
earning someone's trust
pizza from chicago
the gospel of jesus christ
exploring
adventures
head out of the car window
growing a garden
laughing until your sides hurt
being carefree
letters
the eiffel tower
kisses.

PRETTY COMPLETE LIST but i'm always thinking of more. this week is a bunch of midterms. i'm tired just thinking about them. i'm ready to get this week over with! maybe the rest of february will be calm?
here's hoping.

What you smell? MAN FLESH.

ok so i'm actually sitting on margaret's couch with kelsey (who is working on her portfolio) watching the third LOTR. it's been a really productive day. oh wait... it hasn't. we've eaten chicken biscuits, been disappointed that diego's was OUT OF BEEF, and had winger's for lunch. i have also gotten 0 letters from 5 or so missionaries. that's failure. and ridiculous. i'm not sure when it became a rule that no one should write to me, but apparently that's the case right now.
ok, confession time. i really miss traveling. it's ridiculous.
other things to confess: eating healthy is really hard. i have 0 impulse control. they need to ship me off to a tropical island where all i can eat is fruits and like, chicken. seriously, i've got to find the drive. it has to be somewhere in my body, right? i have so many cute outfits in my brain that i can't wear unless i was like fifty pounds lighter. BLARG. also a confession, i hate winter semester. its like the slowest semester of all time.
Next week is crazy hectic. i have tons of meetings, working out at the RB, and almost all my midterms. i have projects due. it's ridiculous.
my adopted grandma is doing well. she is extremely lonely, unbelievably so. we visit her more often than we are told to, but its usually fine with me. i just always feel guilty. also, got to the temple at least once a week. sometimes two. its nice, the workers are awesome.
next week i am NOT staying in town for valentines day. i am going out of town. just from friday night to late sunday night. i just don't want to be around provo for that. it sucks SO BAD.
growing my hair out is taking 5,000 years. i'm not sure what that's about. i wish i had a horse named shadowfax that would ride out with me. OH MAN i would love to go horseback riding right about now. or go hiking.
SOMETHING. i feel bored and restless.

February!

The semester is vaguely half over. not really, it will in a few weeks. which is crazy, it kind of has gone by pretty fast, but i can't believe it. this is the last semester with kelsey, which keeps making me really sad. i keep getting excited about things we could do next semester and then i realize that i don't have that opportunity. she will be gone. i really don't dwell on the fact since she's my best friend here, and i don't know how i will function when she's gone next semester.
in other news, i did adopt a grandma! her name is athena and she calls me (and kelsey) her children. one hour of visiting her a week, she says, is not enough, so we kind of visit multiple times a week. she's a character. she shouts "holy tomelos macaronis" all the time, and we're not sure what that even came from. she also loves "stupid pig" "honey" and "goosey." i like visiting her, even though she's really depressing talking about dying.
so i sort of fell of the school bandwagon somehow and i'm trying desperately to get back on. i can't be happy if i know i'm behind in school work. so this post is short because i have lots to do.
watched LOST last night. it sort of blew my mind and i'm really confused now.
i have found lots of good music lately. ahhh, i just love music so much. you know what i don't like? budgeting.
also, some fun vacations coming up that i'm really excited about. can't wait for it. and also, ANTOINETTE IS VISITING ME IN MARCH. i am so excited its not even funny. it will be a total blast. i'm already making out a list of things to do:
1. roller rink
2. dollar theater?
3. diego's
4. lotus garden/ rice king?
5. SLC gateway mall
6. visit friends
7. watch she's too young
8. go to zumba/ aerobics class
i'll have to think of some more good ones.
also, mary epically fails at blogging now, so theres that too.