changed my profile picture on facebook. its not modest, but sometimes you just have to do that sometimes.
today was an emotional day, and i've kind of felt like crying. i described it to jacob and melinda as "sadness mixed with daydreams." i feel whirled up in a lot of emotions.
i've been thinking a lot about celebrating things like halloween and thanksgiving as a kid. when i was younger, there was so much excitement in the air when holidays came around. the days seemed to creep by as i waited anxiously for the day i could dress up or run downstairs for presents. I don't know when it changed, but it did. I mean, they happen, i'm happy to be with friends and family again, but i don't harbour those feelings of excitement. Which i think is just a shame.
So i'm trying my best to find that excitement again. I want to decorate the house so that there's a holiday spirit, and instead of a lame party or something i want there to be a fun event with friends, i want there to be scary movies and candy, cookies, meals full of warmth and seasonal vegetables. I want to take advantage of this time of year because its so beautiful and it's just going by.
i've also been re-reading some old posts, from around 2005 or so. it's like nothing has changed. I still hold the same feelings about wanting a boyfriend, but instead of a boyfriend now i want a husband. There has to be a reason that i've been rejected by so many guys. It's either my personality or my looks. And though sometimes i'm pretty cynical, i think i have an attractive enough personality. So that means it has to be my looks. Either that or someone REALLY REALLY incredible is on their way. i'm trying my best to be patient, but it's really hard. there's a lot of pressure here to get married because you know that there is a small window of time, and then you graduate and you're older, and the pickings become slim and then you have to settle. I don't want that to happen. i really don't.
i know i'm only 22! i know it sounds crazy! i'm not trying to get married before i turn 23 or anything, but i don't want to be 27 and still single, you know? it's a cultural thing. Sometimes Mormons sound crazy, we're not, we're just trying to be the best we can.
anyway. so those are some things on my mind. i miss europe so much. it's weird to think that for two years around this time i was around the world, traveling and learning and growing. and even though i'm here now, i know i still need to do all those things. I know i need to work on progressing. I can't just stop and expect it to happen again when cool things happen. It's sort of like this bad habit of mine where i think, well, good things will happen after this event occurs. like, "oh, i'll start learning that hobby after i marry someone," or something like that. but my life can't be put on pause, my progression and growth can't be put on pause, just because i'm in an unhappy situation.
my situation isn't even really that unhappy. i have an amazing apartment. i absolutely adore my roommates, we have so much fun together. i have great friends that are committed to me and help me out all the time. i am taking classes that interest me and i'm doing pretty well in them. my entire family is alive and in good health. i know i have plenty of things to be grateful for. i know its dumb of me.
i just feel like there's one area in my life that has consistently failed and i just don't know how to fix it exactly.
i'm going to dream of rainy streets, high heels, and red lipstick tonight. i'm going to dream of self control and pretty things.