oh... pain.

ok...
sooo....

two days in a row now and i've talked to annika. and it's SO bittersweet. i mean, she's back in germany and i'm so excited to hear from her, and to plan my trip to germany, but i'm also so nervous about what the future holds. when i'll see her again and what will happen.
i'm also really depressed now that ludwig is gone from the US completely now. when he was in boston etc. he was far away, but not too far, and fairly easy to stay in contact with.
i just talked to him yesterday, but i don't know if his plane got in alright and i miss hearing from him. i got used to the nice thoughtful sweet text messages, and they have ceased completely. it's totally depressing me. i. don't know.

don't get me wrong. i couldn't be more excited for germany. however, i'm worried about what happens after that? what happens after two blissful weeks? i won't see these people again in who knows how long. what will happen? what will i miss? i will crave their hugs and their kind words and i will get so upset. the hallways of school won't be the same, and the flood of uniforms at our brother school will be eagerly searched for a tall german who is no longer there.

it's so horrible i can't even describe it. when the phone rings i have to force myself to not rush to it, and when a local area code shows up i get sad. i check any and all sources of communication in the hopes of just hearing from them, knowing that there ok and alive and maybe thinking of me from time to time. there's a strain in my heart and my body aches every night and every morning. it's a complicated feeling to describe, but i think it's heartbreak. and it really hurts.

everything in the city has some sort of memory attached to it. if not directly, it reminds me of something and indirectly has a memory attached to it. every starbucks, the malls, the movies, so many songs, my car, my school, jamba juice, lakes, houses. streets. everything has a certain memory or string of memories with it, and it's aweful. i hate bringing it up so often around my friends because i know their tired of hearing about it, but it's one of the most difficult hurdles i've ever had to jump in my life. i didn't expect the pain and anxiety to last this long or be this intense, but i have surprised myself yet again.

to top it off, i never get to see my friends. if i want to hang out i'm reminded of germany, and if i want to save up for it or not, so i can't even go talk to friends and get consolation from them. i miss seeing them, some of them i haven't seen at all this month.

for all of them, but most specifically ludwig, i have developed a special place in my heart for these people, and a certain connection. me and him were so similar, and it was strange, the feeling that we'd known each other forever. i really did grow to love him dearly, and having him leave is like having a part of my heart ripped out.

annika and i went to florida together and shared a full week of vacation with my family. it's so hard not having her here, hugging me when i need it, or talking or just being crazy. making cards and cooking and doing dumb stuff. when i need to call someone to talk, i pick up my phone and scroll through and pass by names and numbers that will never be activated again.

it is a frustrating and depressing time for me, and i just seem to work and work for nothing. i haven't received a reward for my work in such a long time and i often feel like most of the work i do is overlooked.

there isn't that much else to say. obviously i have a lot in my mind and am very emotional.
i just. i wish they were coming back. and it's so hard on my heart to imagine they won't.

HAVE I MENTIONED YET HOW MUCH I LOVE THREADLESS AND THEIR T-SHIRTS?

http://threadless.com?from=mynameisjulia


buy them from that link.

so i get credit for my street team.

look, i don't really see the point in posting if i've got nothing to talk about (MARY)

so. i slept over at antoinettes house cause i left my keys in her cabana. where the grandparents were sleeping...

so. jesse jazon anto and i went to slyns party. which was a sophmore party. and thus, fairly boring. involved a lot of awkward dancing far away from eachother and fake flirting. frankly i was rather embarressed for the lot of them.

'cept slyn that is.

then there was also the horribly unfavorable game of sorry. which got no where.
so we made hot chocolate and then jesse left and then jason stayed for a while and then he left and then antoinette and i got into cozy clothes and talked about summertime and other funny things and then fell asleep. and woke up FACETOFACE it was so scary.

and liz, antoinette, and i made waffles this morning and then anto and i went to the bible camp orientation thing.
and then i came home.

and we sat around.

and my parents grossed me out.

like what every weekend is like, really.


so now i'm bored and really hungry and so me thinks i'm going to make some pizza.
and. like. sleep.

ELOUAI DOLLS ARE AMAZING.

I HAVEN'T wow. decided which one looks more like ludwig. i mean, i guess this is him, only in asian anime form. the shirt, jeans, and shoes uncannily match his wardrobe though.

I ALMOST made them khaki shorts and a t-shirt, but i didn't.

in other news. umm... i cleaned the kitchen again today.
iiiii.... listened to music a lot.
checked my facebook.
got a really bad migrane and got sick. so i stayed in bed for a while.
today we're celebrating zacks birthday. annnnddd...
that means cake and stuff.
i hope i get to leave the house soon. i'm pretty much bored.

to my grandpa:
cheers. you lived longer than i probably will.

well. mary yelled at me this morning because i WASN'T UPDATING ENOUGH. so here i am.

there really isn't that much to update unfortunately. i will not be revealing details about my personal life (mary). i'm still working a lot to save up money for germany. i'm so freaking excited. like... no words. i get to see my little muesli again.
what else? i've been cleaning a lot. seeing a lot of really bad movies. WHEN WILL SOMETHING GOOD COME OUT?
iii.... have been text messaging a lot? or should i say, sex messaging a lot? heh.

uhh... i got a bad stomach... um... virus? a couple of days ago. my stomach is probably mad at my fatty liver for not eating groodly. yeah, i should probably fix that.

what else? ummmm. i've been. sleeping not much. and. watched lost in translation a couple of days ago which really confused me. emotionally. i feel like i already said that... last post maybe.

my grandpa is dying. i have mixed feelings about the bets that are being placed by family members about when he will die. "i bet he's going to die on tuesday. he's gonna pull this one out."

downloaded some more death in vegas and magnetic fields today. grood shtuff.


i. just want to go to germany now. why must my time there be so short?

aaahhh.

somewhere a clock is ticking. download it. REALLY REALLY GOOD.

mit dir is also good, but its german. german hotness.

I KNOW I KNOW

it's been forever. 'm srry.


i feel horrible, normally me blog is SOOO up-to-date. i just haven't been caring enough. I'M BUSY NOW, OK?

updatez:
1. my room is still a complete wreck. it has been such since... like... before spring break. now that's just emberassing.
2. i'm my moms slave for one month, and then more later on, so that i can go to germany. i'm not complaining, i do feel i need to work for the money. it's legit. i just wish that i were allowed to sleep in on somedays instead of waking up at 8 or 6. during summer. oh well. it's worth it if i get to see annika and muesli again. and lisssa.
3. i offish have a plane ticket, so i'm totally legitly going to germany. w00t.
4. it's also official (official is my word of the day) that.... my sisters are insane. and so is the rest of my family. i mean, i'm cool with that, it's just like. they are totally. insane.
5. omygness.
6. UM MY TOP TEN FOR THE WEEK?

1. angel (acoustic) - jimi hendrix
2. see you soon - coldplay
3. somewhere a clock is ticking - snow patrol
4. put her in your pocket - the white stripes
5. fix you - coldplay
6. ein kompliment - sportsfreunde stiller
7. east of eden - babyshambles
8. music when the lights go out - the libertines
9. be gentle with me - the boy least likely to
10. commissioning a symphony in C - cake


GOOD STUFF.

runner up: macarthurs park by richard harris, and a man, me, then jim by rilo kiley.



sigh. i miss me luuufi. we were such good friends. wtf am i talking about, we still are such good friends.
nervous giggle....
haha...ha.

annika called me yeserday and ludwig called me today. it was bittersweet.
maybe more like. BITTERsweet.