Feel guilty that i haven't posted in a while. probably because all my focus is going to my devART page, but what are you going to do about it. anyway, other then that, well... i was going to say not a lot has happened, but i'd be lying. a lot has happened. i went to the DMA with anna, didn't get any HAM stuff done, but DID visit the exhibit on asia. went to see a bollywood movie today at funaaassiiiaa. with sha rukh khan (SO HOT).
have taken quite a few photos with new camera (it's my baby. it shall now be called giovanni,)have started enjoying waking up at three sometimes for in the afternoon, and frankly don't care about what people think anymore. which is refreshing.
perhaps now i'll be comfortable wearing an all black dress with a corset to winter formal. sigh.
i also took a shower! YEAH!
and ate! EVEN BETTER!
i can't quite thing of what else... saw some movies, watched "le divorce," finished all three seasons of alias on DVD... AGAIN.
have broken off almost all contact with almost all friends during break (namely, antoinette, caroline, courtney and annie,)which shall leave paallenntty to talk about once school has started again.
did some other stuff... humm hum humm... which i will mention only in person to only specific people only in certain locations at certain times... when acceptable. hehe.
don't get any ideas though.
i want chips ahoy... but i've eaten all the cookies. and now i have no way of retrieving them. sigh.
my life is just so hard, i know.
December 30, 2004
December 23, 2004
December 22, 2004
i wish i were special. you're so very special.
oh the alias addiction is so back. christmas is just around the corner and i suppose you could say that i'm getting excited. i have no idea what i'm getting this year so we'll see how this goes. normally i know what i'm getting but they've hidden things well this year/ i don't feel like rummaging to go and find stuff.
an update? i couldn't tell you really. it's something along the lines of
saturday- dinner with jennifer and bunches of other people at blue mesa where i stuffed myself to the gills while having delightful conversations with anna, antoinette, annie, and caroline. then i drove the troop (a.k.a. my soccer team) to starbucks where the cute waiter realized i was photographing him and made fun of us so we left and i don't ever want to go back there again. we then went to annies house where we played cranium for quite a while until i drove everyone home before going to my own house, watching alias, talking with the flynn, and going to bed. oh and i missed community service that morning. meh.
sunday- choir performance, church boring, not much happened.
monday- cleaned until about seven when katie came over, we went to see a series of unfortunate events, then we went to pei wei (she payed) then over to starbucks (she payed again) before going to my house, watching some alias, watching donnie darko, and then staying up talking about nick and boys in general and "how to spoon," which was interesting and unecessary and hillarious. then today we woke up at about eleven thirty, she changed, cancelled lunch with nick (probably over the whole "i want to eff your effing brains out" fiasco) since he was going out with someone, so we drove around plano then over to frisco, went to stonebriar for a bit, then drove back to plano, then went to see oceans twelve, then drove home, then she went home, and then i pretty much just watched alias for the rest of the night. ryan lauck came over, which was rather amusing, i went out for a latenight run to starbucks, had no real dinner, and now i am up at two forty updating my blog. i lead a sad life.
katie left stuff at my house. she's coming by at 900 in the morning to get the things she left. but it's ok. apparently she's bringing along breakfast for me, delightful little girl, so i'll let her come.
oh man my mom thought my earring was infected and she tried messing with it and it turns out it was a blood blister. man blood was everywhere and it seriously hurt like a mother. but whatever. i just hope it doesn't get infected now.
an update? i couldn't tell you really. it's something along the lines of
saturday- dinner with jennifer and bunches of other people at blue mesa where i stuffed myself to the gills while having delightful conversations with anna, antoinette, annie, and caroline. then i drove the troop (a.k.a. my soccer team) to starbucks where the cute waiter realized i was photographing him and made fun of us so we left and i don't ever want to go back there again. we then went to annies house where we played cranium for quite a while until i drove everyone home before going to my own house, watching alias, talking with the flynn, and going to bed. oh and i missed community service that morning. meh.
sunday- choir performance, church boring, not much happened.
monday- cleaned until about seven when katie came over, we went to see a series of unfortunate events, then we went to pei wei (she payed) then over to starbucks (she payed again) before going to my house, watching some alias, watching donnie darko, and then staying up talking about nick and boys in general and "how to spoon," which was interesting and unecessary and hillarious. then today we woke up at about eleven thirty, she changed, cancelled lunch with nick (probably over the whole "i want to eff your effing brains out" fiasco) since he was going out with someone, so we drove around plano then over to frisco, went to stonebriar for a bit, then drove back to plano, then went to see oceans twelve, then drove home, then she went home, and then i pretty much just watched alias for the rest of the night. ryan lauck came over, which was rather amusing, i went out for a latenight run to starbucks, had no real dinner, and now i am up at two forty updating my blog. i lead a sad life.
katie left stuff at my house. she's coming by at 900 in the morning to get the things she left. but it's ok. apparently she's bringing along breakfast for me, delightful little girl, so i'll let her come.
oh man my mom thought my earring was infected and she tried messing with it and it turns out it was a blood blister. man blood was everywhere and it seriously hurt like a mother. but whatever. i just hope it doesn't get infected now.
December 19, 2004
December 14, 2004
she's baaacckkk
well, other then the fact that the other day was the worst day in the history of my school existance, and seeing as i'm more disappointed with myself then ever, and seeing as i don't fit into the family again, etc. etc. etc. is just more reason for me to further the schism and fall into the nice little hole i've created for myself. yeah that's right, i mentally and emotionally live in a ditch.
so, margaret came home today. she looks so pretty and happy and skinny and tiny as heck. she said i'm totally different and laughed because she thought it was funny that i said i would never turn out the way i have, but all this flack she's giving me for it is just bringing me further into depression about how i don't quite fit in. so anyway, i went through my blog to see what she's missed out on, and about late october is when i started beginning to wear a lot of bracelets and drew random X's on my hand, probably thinking it was cool to look like i had just come back from a concert or something. then in november, at the beginning was the brown-dark eyeliner, and then late november was the black eyeliner, and then the very angry music started and then my clothing style totally changed and my attitude changed and my grades changed and my interests changed. i must seem like a totally different person to her. i mean, i have changed a TON since september. it'd be weird to come back to, but i wouldn't bring an angsty depressed semi wishes she could be suicidal teen but not really cause that would suck child into an angry state.
listening to NIN today
i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
i wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
i am still right here
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way
obviously i'm not a happy camper. you're sympathy and sweet words are not wanted so don't start being all cute with me. i'm fiesty and full of anger. rar.
so, margaret came home today. she looks so pretty and happy and skinny and tiny as heck. she said i'm totally different and laughed because she thought it was funny that i said i would never turn out the way i have, but all this flack she's giving me for it is just bringing me further into depression about how i don't quite fit in. so anyway, i went through my blog to see what she's missed out on, and about late october is when i started beginning to wear a lot of bracelets and drew random X's on my hand, probably thinking it was cool to look like i had just come back from a concert or something. then in november, at the beginning was the brown-dark eyeliner, and then late november was the black eyeliner, and then the very angry music started and then my clothing style totally changed and my attitude changed and my grades changed and my interests changed. i must seem like a totally different person to her. i mean, i have changed a TON since september. it'd be weird to come back to, but i wouldn't bring an angsty depressed semi wishes she could be suicidal teen but not really cause that would suck child into an angry state.
listening to NIN today
i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
i wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
i am still right here
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way
obviously i'm not a happy camper. you're sympathy and sweet words are not wanted so don't start being all cute with me. i'm fiesty and full of anger. rar.
December 11, 2004
your hand in mine we walk the miles
after seeing oceans twelve and eating at dos charros, i went running, probably around 700. at about 745 my stomach, or i guess a little below my sternum, began to really hurt so i stopped running. i found a hubcap in the middle of the road so i grabbed that and stumbled to a road near my house clutching my stomach. i collapsed onto this yard. the grass smelled sweet, and i'd never smelled sweet grass before. i chose the spot because they inhabitant of the house, a little old lady with shocking white short curly hair, was so nice to me when i went trick-or-treating as a kid, and i felt comforted there. and when i got up, i saw someone backing out of the driveway, but it was a guy and he was indian. then i realized that her house was a little farther up the road, where i saw a smiling cheap cartoony natvitiy scene, and then it made more sense that that was her house. i stopped and admired her very bright fairy lights before stumbling home.
turns out i have an ulcer.
BrandFlippinNew (5:47:53 PM): its my favorite julia!
anonymous letters:
1) sometimes your beliefs bother me, and sometimes your openmindedness annoys me, and sometimes you're super forgiveness is a tad bit too nice, but you're the person i trust telling almost everything to. don't feel bad though, i don't tell anyone everything. i now just keep almost everything quiet. i like observing.
2) you captured me, enlightened me, enthralled me, and broke my heart. i loved you and you didn't even know it. i know you don't care, but it matters to me that we will never and can never have a life together. this causes me more pain than you'll ever know. someday i hope we can run away together just you and me.
3) you lie, you cheat, you sleep around, you say catch phrases an annoying amount of times, and you made me stay up late writing papers for you cause your computer was broken, but you have always said how much you love me and because of that, i thank you.
4) i don't know how i feel about you, and i don't know if i like you as much anymore. i used to like you a lot more. you never knew though. and i doubt you ever will know.
5) i looked up to you and still do more then you'll ever know. you inspire me, you annoy me, and you've influenced me more then anyone in the world. whenever you'd leave i would cry. you changed a little bit, and you still are changing, but i've come to learn that everyone changes, and to other people, i've probably changed a lot too. i love you so much.
6) you worry too much about me and you are kind of obsessive. i like it and i hate it. don't worry about me. i can stand on my own two feet. someday i'll learn that i'm an idiot for doing what i do, but today is not that day.
7) you were my first real emo friend. i love the conversations we share and the cute things you say and how you care about every little creature. i hope you know that you're beautiful, and i hope that we never stop with our emotastic discussions.
8) you my friend, took me in and made me feel important. actually, you my friends. i love each and everyone of you. you always made sure mary included me and you made me feel so important. i've learned so much from you and i wish i got to hug you guys more often. you give really good hugs. i hope we get to stay friends for a very long time.
9) i hate you so much. you've made my life and my parents life miserable. you're the reason i hurt myself. you're the reason my dad and mom are in depression. you have caused 90% of my problems and 100% of our families problems. i hope that you die a really painful death and that no one goes to your funeral and i hope that when you get to heaven that they will look at you with disguist and you're stupid rat eyes will fall down to hell with you. i really really hate you.
oh and i blame you for making me wake up in a depressed and dreary state everyday. i blame you for the scars you have caused me inside and out.
10) When i was a kid you made me cry. in eighth grade you made me cry more then i ever have in my entire life. you've caused me so much pain. you make me cry more then anyone i know, but you also make me laugh more then anyone i know. i hope you don't lose that quirky cuteness you have to yourself and i hope that you stop before it's too late.
turns out i have an ulcer.
BrandFlippinNew (5:47:53 PM): its my favorite julia!
anonymous letters:
1) sometimes your beliefs bother me, and sometimes your openmindedness annoys me, and sometimes you're super forgiveness is a tad bit too nice, but you're the person i trust telling almost everything to. don't feel bad though, i don't tell anyone everything. i now just keep almost everything quiet. i like observing.
2) you captured me, enlightened me, enthralled me, and broke my heart. i loved you and you didn't even know it. i know you don't care, but it matters to me that we will never and can never have a life together. this causes me more pain than you'll ever know. someday i hope we can run away together just you and me.
3) you lie, you cheat, you sleep around, you say catch phrases an annoying amount of times, and you made me stay up late writing papers for you cause your computer was broken, but you have always said how much you love me and because of that, i thank you.
4) i don't know how i feel about you, and i don't know if i like you as much anymore. i used to like you a lot more. you never knew though. and i doubt you ever will know.
5) i looked up to you and still do more then you'll ever know. you inspire me, you annoy me, and you've influenced me more then anyone in the world. whenever you'd leave i would cry. you changed a little bit, and you still are changing, but i've come to learn that everyone changes, and to other people, i've probably changed a lot too. i love you so much.
6) you worry too much about me and you are kind of obsessive. i like it and i hate it. don't worry about me. i can stand on my own two feet. someday i'll learn that i'm an idiot for doing what i do, but today is not that day.
7) you were my first real emo friend. i love the conversations we share and the cute things you say and how you care about every little creature. i hope you know that you're beautiful, and i hope that we never stop with our emotastic discussions.
8) you my friend, took me in and made me feel important. actually, you my friends. i love each and everyone of you. you always made sure mary included me and you made me feel so important. i've learned so much from you and i wish i got to hug you guys more often. you give really good hugs. i hope we get to stay friends for a very long time.
9) i hate you so much. you've made my life and my parents life miserable. you're the reason i hurt myself. you're the reason my dad and mom are in depression. you have caused 90% of my problems and 100% of our families problems. i hope that you die a really painful death and that no one goes to your funeral and i hope that when you get to heaven that they will look at you with disguist and you're stupid rat eyes will fall down to hell with you. i really really hate you.
oh and i blame you for making me wake up in a depressed and dreary state everyday. i blame you for the scars you have caused me inside and out.
10) When i was a kid you made me cry. in eighth grade you made me cry more then i ever have in my entire life. you've caused me so much pain. you make me cry more then anyone i know, but you also make me laugh more then anyone i know. i hope you don't lose that quirky cuteness you have to yourself and i hope that you stop before it's too late.
December 07, 2004
I want another first like this. How 'bout another first kiss?
the time between thanksgiving break and christmas break >/= incredible SUCKAGE.
my dad told mary that i had a lot of anger. that he understands depression, but, "she's just so ANGRY. she's got so much ANGER." meh. whatever. i'm kind of angry because he kept on leading me on about being able to apply to CITYterm, but today he informs me that the IRS are taking everything and we'll be lucky to keep the house, so i can't apply. i'm angry because i was stupid in not stopping the application process earlier.
i want to apply for an afterschool job but he wouldn't let me. he says i need to wait for my mom to come home and that it would be too much stress. WHATEVER. i'm a sophmore, i don't do any work. i've got plenty of time to spare.
so, to get all my anger out, and frantically cleaned my room. smells nice, and is freakishly spotless. but i'm still not done with getting all my anger out. i shall find other methods.
i can't find my sketch/poetry/drawing/random thoughts book and i'm starting to get really worried. it's not any of the places i always put it. if that fell into the wrong hands... that would be fatal.
i have a lot of math and english homework to do, but i REALLY don't feel like doing it. i hope this is ok. stupid lack of medication. it will be administered, just as soon as my dad fills up the new perscription with the money we don't have. woot!
why is it that when i want to talk to someone, that person that i really need to talk to is never there? or always busy? argh.
my dad told mary that i had a lot of anger. that he understands depression, but, "she's just so ANGRY. she's got so much ANGER." meh. whatever. i'm kind of angry because he kept on leading me on about being able to apply to CITYterm, but today he informs me that the IRS are taking everything and we'll be lucky to keep the house, so i can't apply. i'm angry because i was stupid in not stopping the application process earlier.
i want to apply for an afterschool job but he wouldn't let me. he says i need to wait for my mom to come home and that it would be too much stress. WHATEVER. i'm a sophmore, i don't do any work. i've got plenty of time to spare.
so, to get all my anger out, and frantically cleaned my room. smells nice, and is freakishly spotless. but i'm still not done with getting all my anger out. i shall find other methods.
i can't find my sketch/poetry/drawing/random thoughts book and i'm starting to get really worried. it's not any of the places i always put it. if that fell into the wrong hands... that would be fatal.
i have a lot of math and english homework to do, but i REALLY don't feel like doing it. i hope this is ok. stupid lack of medication. it will be administered, just as soon as my dad fills up the new perscription with the money we don't have. woot!
why is it that when i want to talk to someone, that person that i really need to talk to is never there? or always busy? argh.
December 05, 2004
the last quiz i promise! so amusing!
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hooray for quizzes!
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Blogging Degree
From Go-Quiz.com
you like it! you love it! you need it!
go visit annie's website for a discussion about what was done friday-saturday. her website is ihaveacrushoneveryboy.blogspot.com
sundays make me rediculously sleepy. theres something about it.
oh! i saw sleepy hallow today. that was enjoyable. i think johnny depp did a really good job in that movie. christina ricci however, sucked.
pheobe did an awesome job with her poetry at coffee house last night. obviously, since it's pheobe, both of her poems (which she wrote) were about sex, but they really were amazing. one of my favourite lines was, "i want your arms around me like a straitjacket and your lips crushed against mine." or something along those lines. she also mentioned the way her back arches like a parabola...
well this tires me now. so i am off to find another source of entertainment to distract me from the simple, truthful, fact that school must be starting AGAIN tomorrow. two more weeks. that's the only thing that keeps me going. two weeks.
sundays make me rediculously sleepy. theres something about it.
oh! i saw sleepy hallow today. that was enjoyable. i think johnny depp did a really good job in that movie. christina ricci however, sucked.
pheobe did an awesome job with her poetry at coffee house last night. obviously, since it's pheobe, both of her poems (which she wrote) were about sex, but they really were amazing. one of my favourite lines was, "i want your arms around me like a straitjacket and your lips crushed against mine." or something along those lines. she also mentioned the way her back arches like a parabola...
well this tires me now. so i am off to find another source of entertainment to distract me from the simple, truthful, fact that school must be starting AGAIN tomorrow. two more weeks. that's the only thing that keeps me going. two weeks.
December 04, 2004
disorder! disorder! disorder!
so annie slept over last night. we had crepes for dinner and we watched donnie darko and talked online with some people for a bit, and watched gi joe psa's and alan videos and the rejected! movie among other classic pieces of work. and then i got really tired, and we went to sleep, and then she woke me up at 137 or so because she had to go home and so we left, and i dropped her off. oh man, i forgot the part where we made brownies and ate crunchy hot fudge sundaes. oh well.
coffee house is tonight and i am totally excited. we go to get our christmas tree today. there was this box in my moms closet and my dad and mary both started accusing me of opening it up. this i did not do at all, but they think i did, which is really annoying that they don't believe me. and ughhh. whatever. i don't care about anything at this point.
i'm living for christmas break. that's what keeps me going. it's sad really.
when angels deserve to die.
serge sent me some books. sweetest thing ever. thanks serge! i'm going to start reading them today.
coffee house is tonight and i am totally excited. we go to get our christmas tree today. there was this box in my moms closet and my dad and mary both started accusing me of opening it up. this i did not do at all, but they think i did, which is really annoying that they don't believe me. and ughhh. whatever. i don't care about anything at this point.
i'm living for christmas break. that's what keeps me going. it's sad really.
when angels deserve to die.
serge sent me some books. sweetest thing ever. thanks serge! i'm going to start reading them today.