you know, its totally decided that middle school sucks. i mean, everyone has told me this. there are a few good memories, but most of my good and happy memories are swamped with bad ones. really really bad ones. everyone thinks there life sucks. everyone thinks everyone else's life is better. so everyone tries to do whatever they can to try and make it to the top, or be like that other "perfect person." or to make their life seem picture perfect. everyone thinks that i'm a really open person. i am open: about stupid things. 50% of my life, past, and pretty much of things that have happened this year, are hidden in only my head. things that only my family and close family friends know what i'm talking about. none of my school friends or even church friends, come to think of it, no one could understand the pain and chaos that this year has been. i've never cried this much in my life, and i've never had to deal with such mean people. i mean, my friends are nice, they really are. on a good day, we get along nicely. we all exchange laughs, then we all decide to gang up on one person and leave them out. at the time, its exciting, "i'm with them! i'm with the group! i feel so important and popular! i love this day!" i love it, in the beginning. then, we leave for class, or even home, and then it sinks in: i am so mean.why did i just do that? is that person going to commit suicide or something today just because of what we did? i wonder if she's like at home and crying on her pillow. and then when they do that same thing to me. i sit on my bed and cry and think, "i wonder if they know what they did. do they care? i wonder if their talking about me right now? who am i supposed to talk to?" and then i try and vouch not to do it again, but other people don't believe me, and still bring up the fact that i exclude people in the past. and i'm sure i do it now. but i think i'm mad at myself about it. and then what about those situations when its somebody's word against somebody's word? who are you supposed to trust? i'm sick of writing. i sound stupid and mellodramatic, and like a drama queen. i'll write later
Jules

i'm at school and i feel guilty because i called my mom and asked if i could go over to antoinettes house, and she said she really needed me to babysit, and then when i called back later to ask why can't margaret, she said because margaret is coming, and she said forget it, she'll be at her house at 730. and she said it all sweet and stuff, and was really nice about it and now i feel really bad.
Jules